So, here's the deal . . . I had my regular check up with the Big C doctor. I told him that I was feeling anxious - which I definitely am. He responded by saying that he thought I was only now really acknowledging my feelings about having cancer. He went on to say that he kept thinking (during my treatment), "This girl is not even phased about having cancer."

I am starting on my third year cancer free - just two more to go until I am officially "cured" or whatever the insurance companies call it. I guess Dr. A has a point . . . I didn't let myself feel anything during treatment. Maybe this is a sort-of post-traumatic reaction? I'm not heading for the psych ward or anything, but I have been feeling more stressed out lately.

The thing about being ill - family and friends don't want you to be sick. They love you and don't want you to be hurting. And, in the deepest parts of our minds, I think we all get freaked out seeing sick people because we realize, "That could be me!" So, sicko's like me just put on the brave face. It's too hard to face illness and the fear-filled faces of friends and family.

I guess I need to start allowing myself to own my feelings about what happened during treatment - thing is, I feel guilty doing that. Yeah, I had cancer, it sucked, I had chemo and radiation. BUT, there were a lot of people worse off than I was. It seems kinda like I didn't deserve to be a crybaby.

Maybe just the act of writing this post is helpful. I actually registered and voted this year - never did that before. All the talk about healthcare made me extremely anxious. What if they mess around with healthcare and I can't see my doctor anymore? What if they mess up everything and people die waiting for treatment? It's a crazy, crazy thing. Who would have thunk I would be worry about this stuff while in my 30s?

Take care of yourselves people!
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