Didn't Want to Go There (it just happened)

I should be sleeping right now, but when you've already blogged on one of your online pages, and the Lord and you are having difficulties seeing eye to eye on a little matter called sleep, then you compromise and blog on another page instead.

Life is so amazing right now, good friends new and old, new life experiences, new strengths and understandings, I just don't know where to begin, because right now I'm truly blessed. There's really only one thing that's not how I'd like it to be right now but I am happy with things any way.

You see, sometimes when you get to know someone, I think its only normal that you develope feelings for them, after all that's how we get from just friends to more than friends, and its truly a beautiful thing. This last year was amazing, I definately lived it up and had one of the best senior years possible.
Our football team won the big game and I got probably the best photos to comemorate it, I got involved with 2 great, but totally different youth groups, and made some amazing friends, I formed some amazing relationships all across the board, did well on my senior project, sang at Disneyworld for choir and got to go up to receive the award, and by the end of the year had the best night ever with a small group of friends at EMP for "A Night To Remember."

It truly was a good year, especially that last part. There is an unfortunate part in all of this. With all that was or wasn't said and done, I became friends with a great guy on a deeper level than anyone else I'd met up here in two years, except for one lovely girl, she knows who she is, but we started talking here and there, and just got to know each other. It was a nice change of pace.
Somewhere in all of this though, I guess you could say I fell totally head over heals, unfortunatley he wasn't the only one to be the last to know. My friends kept insisting that I had fallen, but I didn't believe it, we were just friends, and when I finally realized they were right it wasn't under the best sercomstances. I decided I'd never let him know we'd be like those movies where the guy falls for his friend or the girl falls for her friend and its only when the friend is about to say 'I do,' that they speak up, I just wouldn't have the gutts to do that. Unfortunately, that didn't work either. Everyone kept telling and urging me to tell him, you'll feel aweful if you don't they warned. Again I decided to deny my heart, constantly telling myself and everyone around me that we could remain friends without him ever knowing and things would be just fine. Unfortunately, the Lord didn't see things my way either, because when a girl denys her heart, its like taking a sledge hammer to his, because our hearts were formed in the image of his own. So time and time again I was shaken out of a deep sleep and there'd be no one there, but I knew. It wasn't until one night, when I was awakened by a loud thump that scared me into falling out of bed, the fall was not the thump, and one gental word was wispered into the ear of my heart, 'boldness,' or lack there of. I began to cry, because I knew that I had lacked the boldness that life desires of us, and if I was unable to handle the matters of my own heart, how could I expect to handle the matters of others?
A few more days passed, and we had talked on and off quite a bit, and ended up playing a guessing game where he guessed I was the girl whom secretly liked him, it was the most mortifying, freeing thing I've ever been through. Over a couple of days, all the things that had built up in my heart overflowed like a sink and I think it made my feelings sound a little different, a little more intence then they were, but I hadn't really felt like this before, I had no idea what I was doing.
We're still friends and we talk a lot, but he's away at school and I'm starting an internship that not only doesn't leave room for relationships, it forbades them. So, right now wouldn't have been right for us anyway, that doesn't make it easier though.
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I still dream and think of what could have been, or about a few months from now, but I don't know. Its like a coworker of mine once said when I showed her a picture, "He's not good enough for you," given I didn't think she liked me, this came as a shock, but she was right, he's not good enough, he's to good, and deserves someone on the same level as himself and I hope he finds that, because nothing makes me happier than to see a friend be happy.
So, in the end, maybe I ruined something that could have been great, but I can't see the future so who knows, I can only dream and hope for something great to happen. I just can't help but wonder what things could be like in a year from now, even though I'm positive nothings going to change between us, sometimes life surprises you.

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RUN AFTER IT!

Remember what we talked about, how sometimes you have to get over your fears and run after the things you want or you'll never get any where, your heart will become so over filled that one day it over-flows and becomes a barrain waste land? It's impossible to keep something barried inside for ever, at least in most cases. Do you want a life to be proud of, or life that was wlked the broken road with no great stories to share later?

So, once you do this, go after what you desire, you have to ask, 'What next?'

Wait. Thats all you can do, is experiment on a leap of faith, and hope that theres a great reaction, one that refills and replenishes you. Even if it makes you a clumsy mess, causing you to fall down stairs and bump your head, isn't that better then to pretend that certain feelings and emotions, certain possibilities, are simply impossible for you? It could take some time though, before you see any results, so don't spend all your time sitting by the phone or checking your mail and your messages every two minutes, because if what you want, what you truly desire, is supposed to be, then it will happen, it just might be when you least expect it.

F.R.O.G,

Nat

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FOREVER

About a week ago, I was out running some errands and for one reason or another I ended up having to make a stop at the mall. I didn't go there to meet anyone or to hang out, just picking something up. As I walked around I noticed one couple after another, pretty young couples that is. Unfortunately, things like, "awww," and, "how sweet," were probably the furthest things from my mind. I was more stuck in the mindset of "oh thats nice, but it won't last," or, "they're to young to even know what love is," and, "there goes another heartbreak just waiting to happen." This went on for a good fifteen-twenty minutes, at least until I saw an older couple, but didn't think much of it.
I ended up seeing them several times in this short excursion, and with each time I saw more and more of who they were, as individuals, as a couple, as one, because thats what true love is, when two hearts are entangled together and no matter what struggles they come across, they work it out, together.
I was given a rare opportunity that day to see the beauty of eternal love, the kind of love that lasts for so long, but is only enjoyed for a short lifetime. I watched as the old man held hands with his beloved, as they strolled around together, not looking for anything imperticular, just enjoying the short time they have together. My heart was warmed and completely melted at the sight of something so wonderful, and yet at the sametime, it was somewhat broken.
I know they had grown up together, that they were "young lovers," and oh how I hope to share in the experiences that they have. Theres one thing we know for sure, is that they'd be no where today, together, if they haden't been a little bold and brave in the process. So, what holds us back, you know, from having that friendship that goes deeper, that love? Is it fear, of losing someone, or of gaining something? Why, do we deny all that we are, all that we are meant to be, when there is so much more to life than that?
Don't let your mind get in the way of your heart. Pray for your deepest desires and listen to the wisdom of the Lord. Perhaps, he's calling you to be bold and put your heart on the line even though it may end up broken. Don't let yourself be lost because you're scared, but rather embrace who you're meant to be and share it with everyone around you. Share the inners of your heart with the one you care for and allow them to see you in all your vulnerability. Keep it light but serious and don't take a chicken way out of the conversation. Make sure they know who and what you're talking about before you're done talking to them, or you might find yourself blushing in a very embarassing conversation the next time you speak with them.
Love can hurt, love can heal. Love is strong and love is bold, so embrace it.

F.R.O.G,
Nat

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Where do you find and when do show your love?

Our heart, my heart, the heart created directly from that of God's, is the strongest, most expressive, and most guarded muscle of the human body. It's impossible to know what our heart is going to do next, because it's a wild and spiratic thing. We are asked to use it in the same way the Lord used his in the short time he hade on earth, but that lasted an eternity.
Now, this doesn't mean you should have yourself crucified as Jesus did, no, it's to love unconditionally, no strings attached. To love those close to you and those you've never even met. Just shooting a gentle, friendly smile across the room at someone can give all the love in the world. However, the unconditional part, that's what gets us. We pour our whole heart and soul into someone or something and when something goes wrong we pull away. Our heart breaks and swells, so much that it feels like it's just barely hanging onto the outside of our chest, and everyone can see our deepest feelings and emotions. That's not such a bad thing though, is it? Your heart will always hang out like this if you can't learn the unconditional side of love, but if you learn that the next thing would be to learn to always wear your heart on the outside, just in a different way.
There's a song that comes to mind, it's called "Without Condition," by Ginny Owens, and it basically says everything you just read, in a symplistic way.
So, let the heart of the Lord our god, shine through a heart that's pure and wonderous. Don't let the lies and heartbreak of man ever penetrate you, but if and when it does, know you can always turn to the ultimate lover.

F.R.O.G,
Nat

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PASSIONATELY

Ever been asked or thought, "Are you passionate?" Are you passionate in every aspect of life no matter what the situation, or do you hold back, and if so, what's the obstacle?
My heart is my strongest muscle and my strongest obstacle, because it holds all my secrets, passions and greatest desires. I half to fight it though, there are just some things we, I can't have, not now, maybe ever. Why do I, any of us, hold back? Is it out of fear, bad timing, etc? And, if its a feeling/emotion, like love, is there really a good or bad time for it? The Lord invites us, pushes us, to live boldly and passionately without holding back and no regrets in the end.
So, is there any way for us to over come our self doubt and live more boldly than ever before, or will you choose to live, like me recently, and deny yourself the joy and adventure that life has to offer just because you don't want to upset someone else's life or cause a disturbence in the sway and flow of the world?

F.R.O.G,
Nat

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THE HEART BEHIND THE STORM

Anyone see the thunder storm last night? It was an amazing phenomanon that in all the time I've ever visited or lived in Washington, I've never quite seen a storm like this one. Our storms are some-what plain and simple; rain, and lots of it, but last night was different, it had the whole town talking, barely anyone could sleep through it. To me, a storm like this is like no other. To me it's the heart and furry of our Father himself. It's something so dangerous/life-threatening, and yet so magnificent, that we have scientists to study it, to give an explanation behind it so that no one has to admit thats it's part of the "unexplainable."
The ocean, the night sky and all it's shimmering stars make us feel so small and insignificant in such a vast world, but I find that same feeling in such a storm. I can feel the power of the Lords heart beating faster and more vibrantly than ever when his anger and saddness pours down on us like it did like that. Maybe its because I feel such a strong connection to water. Sounds weird I know, but I've heard it talked about before.
I've heard so many Christians refer to water and something, like a magnetic force, that attracts them to it. I'm not saying that I neccessarily believe it has to do with the faith of christianity, but water would appear to be the most important resource in the Bible, but don't listen to me, listen to the rain.
I sincerely believe theres more to a storm than meets the eye, and that it really is the pain in the Lord's heart come to wash us clean. When I was a child I was always told, as I'm sure many of you were, that when we're bad or have done wrong in the world the Lord and his army of angels morn and the tears flood the clouds until they over-flow and spill out onto the earth. And, while I do find there may be some, truth in that, I think the story was probably exagerated in order to get us to be have and learn to get along with one another. I do have a fear to truly crush our Father's heart, because I don't know any furry greater than his that could bring down such wonderous destruction. (Just look at Noah and "his" world)
So, next time theres a major storm, surround yourself with it's silence and just see for yourself, can you hear it?, something more, than just the pitter-patter of the rain drops. Do you feel the beating of your heart increase so rapidly, that it's as if God's heart has literally settled in your chest and all the pain and suffering of this world can be felt, and then, it's as if it's all being washed deep into the inner core of the earth. Doesn't it bring you so much peace? It's as if the tears of the Lord are a rejuvenating fountain of life, come to wash away all our fears and bring us a new day, a new start.

F.R.O.G.,
Natalie

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