crave.

below are the lyrics to this amazing song called "a sense of touch."
they are derived from an old welsh folk song called "lisa lan."
translation follows, so you may understand.
the words are beautiful, &they play into my life so much right now.

Bûm yn dy garu lawer gwaith
Do lawer awr mewn mwynder maith
Bum yn dy gusanu Lisa gêl
Yr oedd dy gwmni'n well na'r mêl.

Fy nghangen lân, fy nghowlad glyd
Tydi yw'r lanaf yn y byd
Tydi sy'n peri poen a chri
A thi sy'n dwyn fy mywyd i.

Pan fyddwy'n rhodio gyda'r dydd
Fy nghalon fach sy'n mynd yn brudd
Wrth glywed swn yr adar mân
Daw hiraeth mawr am Lisa Lân.

Pan fyddwy'n rhodio gyda'r hwyr
Fy nghalon fach a dôdd fel cwyr
Wrth glywed swn yr adar mân
Daw hiraeth mawr am Lisa lân.

Lisa, a ddoi di i'm danfon i
I roi fy ngorff mewn daear ddu?
Gobeithio ddoi di, f'annwyl ffrind
Hyd lan y bedd, lle'r wyf yn mynd.

Full many a time I came to woo,
Oft, Lisa came a courting you;
I kissed your lips when we did meet,
No honey every was so sweet.

My dainty branch, my only dear,
No woman comes your beauty near;
'Tis you who with my passion play,
'Tis you who steals my life away.

When'er at eve I walk apart,
Like wax will melt my lovesick heart;
And but to hear the small birds sing,
The longing to my soul will bring.

Ah, will you come to bid good-bye,
When in the earth my form must lie?
I hope you too will there be found,
When men shall lay me in the ground.

so today at church, the topic was cravings.
we all got asked what our cravings were.
some people said chocolate, others meeting emery, but i didn't say a thing.
not because i couldn't think of anything, but because i couldn't bring myself to say it.

read that song again; listen to what it's saying!
the woman's name in the song, ironicly, is lisa.
that is what i crave.
above all things.
i crave to be craved.
more than emery, more than chocolate, more than anything else in this world.

i want to be loved, &to feel it.
i've never had that, &it makes me so mad that all of my friends have.
why am i always out of the loop?
am i not good enought?
did i do something wrong?
i just don't understand.

maybe it's good that i'm going to be an assistant district attorney, or an fbi agent, or a detective.
i'll be so busy working that i won't have time to care.

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fault.

i think i'm relapsing.
relapse: 1 : the act or an instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding
2 : a recurrence of symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement

yes, i am definately relapsing.

it's my fault, &that's probably the worst part.
i said too much, i said nothing at all.
i didn't do anything, i didn't do enough.
i tried as hard as i could, but it wasn't hard enough.
i am at fault.

i wish there was somthing i could do about it.
as i sink back into my dark, lonely hole, i really can't see any other option.
it isn't like there's anything that i could say or do that would change the way things are.
that's just the way they turned out being, even though i intended the total opposite.

&it stinks, because i know that i'm at fault, i'm the one to blame.
i suppose the only thing i can do is find a way to live with what i've done.

one more year.
one more year.
one more year.

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apprehension.

on tuesday, i put the 100,000th mile on my car.
next friday will mark the end of the first one-fourth of my last year in high school.
i wasted half a tank of gas on friday driving out to what was basically new mexico to get a water bottle.
i watched seven episodes of the oc today.
my college research paper is currently weighing in at fifty pages.
tomorrow i will be half way to turning eighteen.

so much progress, &in just the past week.
&yet, it doesn't seem to measure up.

i've expected so much, ¬hing has really happened.
i've tried so hard, but that all went down the gutter.

i guess i hold on too much.
not just to that, but to everything.
i suppose i don't like to let things go.
i've always been aggressive, &even unforgiving.
but i see, now, that i am going have to let things go.
there's no other option.
as much as i would like to take the alternet route, i realize i can't.

"i just can't slip away anymore.
i've been losing everything.
you just don't see me anymore."

the worst part is, i've kind of chosen this for myself.
things i've done, what i've said...they've all lead me here.
i wish i could take back that one phrase.
maybe things would be different.

i don't want to forget.
i don't want to release.
but i have to.

"so go, where'd you go? where'd you go? would you ever want to fall?
would i know? would i know? would i ever make it down?
would you say? would you say? would you ever say go?
wanna go? wanna go? wanna know just what i..."

i cannot wait to go to albany.

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secret.

keep it secret, keep it safe.

those words apply to so many a thing in my life.
what's this i have, a thought?
a desire?
a notion?
keep it secret &it will be safe.

i applied for a summer internship/scholarship program through the cia.
if selected, i will spend every summer for the next four years in washington dc working for the cia in a career in relations to my major &in return, recieve up to $18,000 per summer to be put towards schooling, with free room in &transportation to dc.
after i graduate, i will be required to work there for at least one full year.

secretly, i crave to move to washington tomorrow.
to get out of the house &be involved in the national government&justice system at the age of eighteen...
unfathomable.

i went to vist emily at asu last night.
it was amazing.
even just for one night to get the feel of it...
in secret, i find living on one's own must be the best thing ever.
i would love nothing more than to be independent.
to not have to rely on but my own mind &decisions.

but if anyone else knew this, of course, they would think it absurd.
how could i leave so soon?
how could i go into something that might be dangerous?
heaven forbid i leave them.
so it is secret, it is safe.

i have been writing more &more.
seeing the film "becoming jane" has made me want to stick to a pen even more.
knowing the life &let-downs of my favorite author is highly motivating.
but, alas, i am no austen.
i cannot write with such perfection as she.
so my writings are secret, &they are safe.

one day i will whisper these secrets.
someday everyone will know.
when it is safe.

until then...
it is secret, it is safe.

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suitcase.

my parents are out of town this weekend, so, naturally, it's has been just my sister &i in the house.
we both leave from time to time, but we seem to have this canny knack for finding our way back.
anyhow, my sister is going to disneyland this thursday, &she is very excited.
when she gets very excited, she prepares for things as though they are going to happen at any given second because she would like to hasten time.

i walked into the laundry room yesterday, &there it was -- the very suitcase that had held my life in it for a month.
the one that had been on all the countless adventures that i had been a part of.
the one that flew across the atlantic, took a train across france &switzerland, drove the whole of italy, &sailed the mederterranian sea.
the very same suitcase that had gone with me to europe.

a burning arose in my heart.
lust, anger, craving, sorrow, pleasure, hatred, love...
all at once.

that suitcase that, before now, had meant so little, became the most prized thing i had ever beheld.
it was the only thing that had understood my travels as i had.
&now, it stood their, my nametag from the organization with which i traveled, dangling, taunting me, off the handle, containing everything my sister thought she would need to go to somewhere so insignificant as disneyland.

i couldn't handle it.
i couldn't.

i want to go back so much.
europe is like a constant, everlasting fire burning in my heart.
it's beauty, subtly changing over time, waning, then bursting back to life, twice as breathtaking as before...
that is the place that i know.
the place where it seems that all is right in the world, where nothing can touch or harm me.

i crave, i long, i ache to be there.
&yet, i am not.

it always seemed so close, just a hop, skip, &a jump across the atlatic.
i could always reach it.
but now it feels oceans away.
the one place where i feel i belong, where tutto sta bene e bella - all is well and beautiful - is untouchable.
it's so far away.

in the words of emily,
one more year one more year one more year.

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ruins.

a horrible fire broke out in greece.
60 people have died.
half the country is ablaze.

what's more, i saw a picture of the conflagration.
it was taken from the archway into the ancient olympic stadium.
that same stadium that i walked through but two months ago.
the one that lead me into history &appreciation.
that one.

the whole of ancient olympia is at risk.
the historically revered beauty might become extinct.
the ruins just may become, well, ruined.

it absolutely devistates me to hear things like this.
it honestly moves me to the verge of tears.
greece is probably one of the most beautiful places in the world, &something so simple, so unexpected &infintesimal can lead to its tragic demise.

i don't understand how things like this can just happen.
greece doesn't desereve that.
the greeks don't deserve that.
olympia doesn't deserve that.
so why the hell is this happening?

God, why are you doing this?
to greece, to me?
i don't understand you a lot of the time &i hate it.

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haunted.

pasts have a funny little way of magically popping up again when you least expect it.
for example...

seeing gary two years later on my europe trip.
we weren't even really friends the first time around.
shoot, we hardly even talked.
but this time, we were really hard to tear apart!
i did everything with that kid, &we had so so so much fun.
he made me laugh at basically everything &he was always such a gentleman.
&all the little sweet things that he did...
but now i hardly see him.
his phone is apparently disconnected, so i have no means of seeing him.
i don't even know if he is alright.
&it's killing me.

&then there's that one kid who shall remain nameless.
also two years later...
i liked him during sophomore year, when he was going to graduate.
&just the other day, my friend told me he said he would have dated me had he not been leaving in a matter of months.
well, guess who is back in town for a while.
i don't know what to think, or what i even want to think, for that matter.

i am haunted by these two people.
by these two ghosts that are always there, even when i can't see them.
everywhere i go, the former consumes my thought, devouring my every wish &hope, &then stabbing them with wanton worries &remorseful regrets.
&the latter cralws under my skin, invading my mind like a poison, plaguing it with questions of "what if?" &"do i still?".

all i want is for things to be easy, to work out the way i would like them.
i wish for the haunting to end.

but i know it's never that easy.

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contact.

dearest you,
oh, how much i miss the touch of your hand, the look of the eye, the smile of your mouth!
i would give anything to be at your side for but one more moment.
your presence is my protection; your words my sword and your body my sheild.
oh, how you make me feel -- the constant smile of bliss and the trill of my heart in my chest!
i long for you, i yearn for you, i want nothing more than contact with you.
my only wish is that we had contact.
in admiration, me.

hey, you.
yes, you.
you know who i'm talking to.
yes, you know.
where did you come from?
where are you going?
what do you want from me?
i don't think i can make the journey with you.
i apologize.
i don't want that knid of contact.
me.

hello.
i have nothing to say to you other than this:
what the hell were/are you thinking?
you never contact us.
&we don't want it.
regrets, me.

dear one,
you don't understand
the way you think you do.
you don't understand
the way i get things done.
you don't understand
the things i want to do.
you don't understand
the degree of contact
i want with you,
always, me.

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purpose.

as you may or may not know, i am the teacher's aid for mrs carr, my sophomore english teacher.
she is an amazing woman &i wouldn't be the writer or reader i am today if it weren't for her.
anyway, a couple of days ago, she had to leave right after school to go to a wedding, &mrs moore from next door came over to the classroom to make sure mrs carr got out of there on time.
she made sure at happened, &as i was heading out the door, i said to mrs moore, "now where would she be without you?"
"right here," was her response.

that is so true.
without other people that love us &care about us, we would just stay put in one spot forever.
they keep us moving &help us think &grow.
without other people -- friends, non-friends, family, too -- life would be boring as all hell.
there would never be any movement.

&that's really our purpose -- to make sure others never stay put.

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last.

i went to my last band camp over the summer.
i spent my last summer before leaving hgh school this year.
i took my last high school id picture.
for the last time, i procrastinated on summer homework.
&now my last first-week-of-high-school is said &done.

it's quite funny how everyone always thinks last is bad.
last place.
loser.
the end.
the reject side.
but i find things the other way around.

lasts are the best.
they close so many doors, &sometimes that sucks.
but you can't open doors &leave them like that forever; they have to close sometime.
&closing the door gives you leave to open a new one.

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family.

i know how it is.
the feeling that you're going to chuck the knife across the dinner table because they piss you off so badly.
what starts off as a nice conversation ends with you hiding your face behind a book because you don't want to look at them; they make you so angry &demean you so much that you can't even bear the sight of them.

they're supposed to take care of you.
to love you at all times &look out for your best intrest.
instead they belittle you to nothing, making you feel like the scum of the earth.
you take things for granted.
you are so selfish.
you are a very mean person.
you think everything revolves around you.
you are repulsive.
they think they know you oh so well, dear darling daughter, but really, they hardly know how you think, how you feel, how you function -- they hardly know you at all.

you just want to run.
to get away from all the hurt &all the annoyance &all the constant shame they make you feel.
to spread your wings &fly, like a bird with tireless wings ¬hing to care about.

but you can't.
at least, not yet.

instead, you stab your dinner food with the knife.

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home.

well, i have had the most fantastic month, minus this week, of my whole entire existance.

europe was everything i hoped for &more.
everything had its subtle differences &similarities to america, but it was so much more inviting &leisurely.
everywhere was beautiful to the core.
everyone was so welcoming &friendly.
europe is totally cooler than america &i don't even know why i didn't go there sooner.

it showed me that i'm ready to be on my own &that i can really handle it.
it may sound bad, but i didn't miss my family whatsoever &i cannot deny the heaviness in my heart that landing back in arizona brought.
i can do it now, for sure.

it was so redeming to be able to get away ¬ be connected to anything going on back home.
i didn't miss my phone or talking to people i knew or dealing with other people's problems.
i just made new friends &grew closer to the ones that i had, without really caring about anything else that normally weighs me down.

the group that i traveled with really made the trip for me.
we became such a family in such a short amount of time we spent together &i know that i can trust just about all of the other twenty-nine people that i traveled with.
it feels so foreign to be away from them -- i feel as though it's not the way things are supposed to be.
caty &i became closer friends after knowing each other for nine years, which was really awesome.
gary, a kid that i went to aussie &new zealand with, became a really good friend to me.
even people that i had never even spoken to before like jarek &mason &brianna &simmone became so close to me.
it really sucks that we'll never be able to be together like we were again.

being home doesn't feel right to me; it's like home isn't even home anymore.
i feel like i should be back in europe, traveling the whole entire continent for the rest of forever.
it feels so different to be back in the states.
i feel a lot smaller than i did before i left.
i think europe is home.

wildwood was before europe, &it was amazing like it always is.
it felt so refreshing to go back to that familiar, warm place again.
the people are so great up there &i really learn so much.
i miss it.

band camp was this past week.
it's so different from how it used to be, &i hated it until the last day.
everything is changed &really messed up with the program from how it used to be &it makes me so mad sometimes.
it's wasn't fun until megan showed up &stuck around &we did our skit night.
i don't know why i even do it sometimes, &this week was one of those times.

i leave for heber in a few hours with the wildwood kids.
that'll pretty much put paid to my summer.
it's been a great summer that has really helped me finish my final growing stages in high school &has taught me a lot about myself, others, &life.

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limitations.

only 2 days until i get to see these awesome peole at ths awesome place.
i am so excited!
&there's only 9 days or something like that until i go to europe!
awesomenesssssss.

i am really looking forward to the next four weeks of summer.
i think wildwood &time in the middle of foreign countires that don't speak english are exactly what i need right now.

wildwood will be good because it'll bring me closer to God, which is always something nice.
i will admit that i have been slipping lately, &hiking down that mountain into wildwood will help me let go &dive in.

going to europe i think is really going to help me develop as i go into my senior year.
i don't know the majority of the people i'm going with, i'm staying with a family that hardly speaks english for three days, &i'm going to places that i've only dreamed of.
i'll meet new people, hear their stories, grow closer to the people i already know, &learn about other parts of the world &how i fit into them.

both of these places are going to show me my limitations, which i'm looking forward to.
they're both going to push me over the top &out of my comfort zone.
they'll challenge me to think, to understand, to accept, &to grow.
i'll be on my own, which is what i want, &i'll have time to learn about what i want for me &who i want to be.

so bring it.

i'll see you all in four weeks.

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taken.

lisa came over tonight after graduation.
we just sat at the kitchen table &talked for two hours straight.
no awkward silences, just constant talk &laughter.

then emily came over, &there was more talk &more laughter.
we took pictures &goofed around.
it was just so much fun hanging out with them, i love every second i spend with those girls.

&then i had to say goodbye to lisa.
because of all the vacations i'm taking, i won't see her when she leaves.
we hugged for about ten minutes, &we were both in tears.

that was quite possibly one of the hardest things i've ever done.

sure, i've had a friend move before.
andrea left two years ago &we've been bests almost 9 years.
that sucked, too.
&i've only known lisa for a fraction of the time that i have been friends with andrea -- it hasn't even been a year.

but i just feel so close to her, like i have known her for forever, &i'm really going to miss that.
it scares me that she can be taken from me just like that, &i don't know when i'll see her again.
i don't want her to go.

what a sucky way to start summer.

anyway, i'll be in florida until tuesday.
feel free to call or text because i'll be hecka bored.

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strain.

this weekend has been amazing.
i saw pirates 3 &went to chili's, &went to the best grad party ever.
it was great.

there are only 2 days of school left.
then it's summer.

i can honestly not wait for this summer.
no more strain to do well in school, no more strain to have a job, no more strain to have to do anything that anyone wants me to.
all the strain &pressure to do everything that everyone demands me to do is gone.
i don't have to do anything anyone else wants me to.

i think that's one of the main reasons that i cannot wait to get away from here.
i won't have to do anything that i don't want to do, &i can make my decisions completly on my own.
i can dictate my own life, with God's help of course, without the constant pressure from everyone that wants me to do everything their way.

i am so exicted to just be by myself, to just be one.

one week in florida, one week at wildwood, one week in france, one week in italy, one week in greece, one week in flag, one week with my best friend.
one more year of high school, one more year of strain, one more year of arizona, one more year until i can move to new york, one more year until i can pursue the course of a prosecutor.

one really isn't the lonliest number.

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cage.

oh. my. goodness.

graduation is in about a week.
&then summer, &then before i know it, it'll be my turn to put on the cap &gown.

i am only stuck in this cage called chandler, arizona for one more year.
just one more year.
only 365 days left to be spent in the confines of this useless city with no future.
only 12 more months to be condemned to the reign of my parents.
only one more year to be stuck in arizona.

starting with summer, i am honestly going to have the best year of my life.
i can look forward to actually getting out of here.
everything i wanted is starting to become real.

new york, you never looked so beautiful.

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