You know how at the time you are experiencing something tough or confusing, NOTHING MAKES SENSE? And you ask why? why? why? why? why? why? until even God starts to go "wait, did I get that right?" Just kidding about that last part, BECAUSE, it makes sense to Him at the time it is most confusing to you AND you eventually get to the point where you look back and go "ohh, thats why she said, and I said, and that happened, and, ohhhhh, I see!" Well, I have been in state of confusion for almost TWO years about something in my life and finally THIS weekend it all made sense!!!!! Here is my story...

I have no idea who reads this blog but I did find out this weekend that a few people read that do NOT know the story of my family. The ones that do, I mean come on, it's amazing enough to read again!

I received Christ in the fall of 2004, but didn't really surrender it all until the fall of 2005. Immediately, my dad and stepmom were laid on my heart. They were lost, as was I just a short time before and wanted so badly to show them Christ because I was lucky enough to have friends in college who cared for me enough to lead me down that path. And when I say they were laid on my heart, they weren't exactly laying, the were jumping up and down on my heart as if it were a trampoline or one of those blob things. My heart would pound and almost jump out of my chest at the thought of their salvations. It was the most exciting, terrifying feeling. I constantly thought of what their lives would look like with Christ, but I didn't feel capable of showing them how to get there because I was so new in my faith. On top of that, I was their CHILD. How am I supposed to tell the people that taught me how to walk, talk, use the bathroom, drive, etc. that they have missed the most important thing in life? How as I suppose to show them that they could be forgiven for things they did before I even existed? How could I tell them that their career decisions, financial decisions, relationship decisions, etc. could be SO much better if focused on Jesus when I never dealt with ANY of those things??? But God had a plan. It turned out that He was so much more real to them BECAUSE they saw this change in me and knew it didn't come from them. They knew they didn't raise me to read my Bible, or pray, or really give me any spiritual guidance. God worked a miracle. However, that is only the beginning. If I explained the entire realm of what God did in that next year with my parents, you would have to cancel all your plans for the rest of the day just to read this blog. It was truly amazing. And what I pictured their life looking like with Christ was so much less impressive than what they are living now and it has only been LESS THAN A YEAR!

But this is where I started to get confused. In the midst of my life changing and God obviously wanting to use me to be a light for Dad and Gina, my mom was wandering down a path of destruction. She wasn't any more lost than my dad and stepmom, but she wasn't on the path to righteousness either. However, I didn't get that feeling when I was around her, that "my heart is about to come up through my throat and out of my mouth if I don't show her Jesus RIGHT NOW" feeling. I was still excited to tell her about my life changes, but because of the way I felt around my dad and Gina, when I was around my mom it almost seemed like I didn't care. THAT FRUSTRATED ME TO THE CORE. I asked God why? Why don't I care about her salvation? Don't YOU care about her salvation? I can't show her Jesus unless you are my words and I don't feel you here. (Just being honest). And this was the crazy thing. It would have been so much more convenient for me to minister to my mom. She always wanted to talk about matters of the heart, she wears her emotions on her sleeve and basically BEGS me to share what I am feeling. I dreaded having a conversation with my dad and stepmom sometimes, not because I ever felt threatened by them, but just because up to that point in my life I hadn't shared my heart with them fully about anything and it was uncomfortable.

About the time that my dad and stepmom were so hooked on Jesus that dad was ready to quit his job and live in a cardboard box just so he could make any sacrifice for the Kingdom of God ("Live to Crash" as he says), my mom and I decided to move in together. Now this wasn't something we had planned on doing for a long time. I had no idea that this might happen when I was so frustrated about not seeming to care about her. It really all happened in one phone conversation. It happened so fast that I didn't even get it at first. About a week after we made that deal, it hit me. GOD'S TIMING COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE PERFECT! I was no longer burdened with my dad and Gina AND not only was my mind clear to think about her, we were going to be living together! AND, she was living in Spartanburg before, but now we live only 20 minutes from Newspring!!!! This weekend, she came to Newspring for the first time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She loved it and I know she will be back.

Looking back now it could not have been more perfect. In my extreme state of confustion, God was putting together another #1 Best Seller (at least in my eyes). That chapter was already written, I just had to read it. God calls us to be uncomfortable and desperately seeking Him. He has a plan for our lives, what He wants from us is to seek HIM, He will take care of the rest.

I LOVE MY FAMILY :)