VIRB

Curiosity and the pretty, alone girl. Being drawn to the darkness is not special, there are many other people out there that are drawn to it. I used to wonder why/how I became attracted to those dark things. Was it when I stumbled onto my Dad's ridiculously large collection of porn mags at the age of 10? I picked up the one on top and couldn't for the life of me figure out what all of that white stuff was flowing out of the top of whatever that is! I leafed through a few more being mesmerized by enormous breasts, all of the white stuff everywhere, the photos of men, with things that only Daddy has, doing primitive & barbaric acts with these women who, apparently, couldn't get enough. I could have been that or was it finding my Dad's cartoons of men with overly-exaggerated cock sizes and the women willing to take them on? Maybe, I don't know. When I saw "Parents" with Randy Quaid & Mary Beth Hurt, I laughed my ass off during the 'love' scenes because it reminded me so much of how I saw those porno mags. By the way, that is a fantastic movie, one of my favorites. Anyway, everyone comes to this side differently, I think. Whatever it was I don't care at this point and I bring it out when there is an appropriate time & place. Am I conforming? In a way, I guess. I have to work and since I don't work in an alternative music store, for a band, or in the porn industry I can't bring out the fun stuff until appropriate. I learned this pretty early on, specifically when I lived in Austin. My Mom came over for a (surprise!) visit and I was pretty strung out from several days of acid-tripping so things weren't all that pretty around my apartment. This was in '94 and we taped 120 Minutes on a regular basis since that was one of the only places for us to get videos of Skinny Puppy, NIN, Ministry, etc. and I had the tape running when she got to my place. "Mom! You HAVE to watch this video. It is beeeyouuutiful." She beamed at me, being so happy that I loved something so much. So, I fast-forward the tape to "Closer", by NIN, sat down on the couch next to her to watch it. As I sit in awe of the fine-craftsmanship of the video my Mother's aneurysm is bursting. Maybe I was too strung out at the time, or what is probably more the case - clueless, to realize that not EVERY person in the world thinks the "Closer" video is a beautiful piece of art. It was of "the devil". What?! The Devil?! That's crazy-talk Mom! My Mom didn't stay very long after that because I think she needed to get to her church to put together a prayer meeting for me. If she had been Catholic, rather than Southern Baptist, she would have been looking for a priest for my exorcism. That began my adventure of learning when it's appropriate to talk about rubber clothing & snuff films, and when it isn't.

M