Who made the rules? God? Mr. Gates? From birth we're taught rules based on our parent's experiences: don't touch this or that, don't eat this or that. The general rules of 'how not to die as a small child' rules. Then we get rules placed on us by our friends: don't talk to this or that person, don't go to "first base or you're a slut", etc. More rules from parents, friends, teachers, bosses, etc. Some are required to get through life if you want to pay your bills; however, I always failed miserably when I tried to play by any rules. I suck at it. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day! That was the only one I was good at -I fucking hate white shoes and they will probably have to pry my combats off of me when I die. I was taught that I should be social, I should want to hang out with people, have lots of friends, be the prettiest girl at the party. Jesus, it makes me sick and yet I found myself trying to do and be all of those things that I completely suck at and it made me feel like shit when I wasn't able to live up to everyone's expectations. There must be something wrong with me! I couldn't stand going to church where everyone had their "Sunday face" and then would walk out of the church and start cursing at the car that just pulled in front of them as they were exiting the parking lot. Huh? That was so confusing to me. Didn't we just read about not being judgmental, loving our neighbor, basically not being an asshole to everyone around us? Maybe I accidentally picked up a different Bible than everyone else. I couldn't find my voice. Who the fuck was I? Why did I like to be alone? I isolate like a mother fucker if I have any say in it and guess what? I am totally and, in every way, completely satisfied being alone. Go to the movie alone?! Gasp and clutch my pearls! You can't do that! That is so lame and people will stare and point and feel sorry for the pretty, alone girl. Pretty girls shouldn't be alone and if they are then there has GOT to be something wrong with them. Someone told me that, seriously. Something is wrong with me? Egads. I better /wrist now so I don't upset anyone else's life by making them stare at me while buying my ticket for 300, ALONE! But then I think that I am actually giving them something to talk about at dinner. "Did you see that pretty girl all by herself! That is so sad. I know, dear, it is. She probably doesn't have any friends or even a church. I know, dear, it is sad. Dad, can you pass me the new potatoes, please!" See! I am a nice, well-adjusted person! I'm helpful! So I enjoy taking a book to a nice restaurant, have a fabulous glass of wine, some incredible food and a great read. Does that only sound perfect to me? I've been in relationships, plenty of them and even while in a relationship I loved my "alone time". Oh, you want to go out with your friends? OK! Bye! It was fantastic. Shared silence? Ecstasy. Please realize that while I'm alone I am not playing Enya in the background and meditating, not that there is anything wrong with that, but whatever I am playing is loud, something industrial & chaotic but it sounds like bluebirds chirping in my ear. Or maybe a little TripHop, Matthew Good, or some old-skool This Mortal Coil thing. Whatever it is I am still alone. Friends? Most of my friends have sucked or were so completely self-absorbed it was disgusting. So, yeah, fuck friends. I'll hang out with people for a drink or something, put on my 'normal' face and do some 'normal' stuff. What the fuck is normal anyway? Who made the "Normal for Dummies" handbook? There is no 'normal' anymore. Look around people and watch as we slide into further decay while our government straps-on their enormous ass-fucking dildos and we take the big one without even a peck on the cheek. Com'ere big daddy! I'll take the biggest one you have!

M