Ashley

The Adoring Beast

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 21:08:22 -0800

I just came across something else that Shanna left behind. I don't know how I didn't notice it until now, it's been right there in front of me for weeks, but I didn't see it until just now. A dead plant. Not a small one either, it was quite tall when it was growing upwards and now it's spread all over one end of the breakfast bar. It's completely covering where the phone is, which I've used very recently. Until now though, I've been completely oblivious to it. I was just making a cup of tea to take to bed when I thought 'hold on... there's a plant here. And it's dead'. Now I'm going to have to deal with it.

My control of my... feelings is not getting better, it's getting worse. I shouldn't share my thoughts right now, but such is my mood: I want to kiss... to bite, to draw blood... to tear...

The snow was nice. I haven't really been out in it, except for a few minutes at a time. I was amazed how alien it seemed. I know what snow is, I've encountered it several times before, and it seems perfectly normal to see snowy scenes in pictures and videos, but you walk down a familiar road and everything is covered in fluffy whiteness, it is kind of weird. Pretty, but very strange.

Today I rearranged a dentist appointment that used to be on the 12th. I did this, because I now I have other plans: I'm going to London to meet a friend who's name is definitely not Jennifer. I didn't think there was anything unusual in that until she kind of started convincing me that there was - it is rather soon - but I'm looking forward to it. For someone who generally avoids travelling or meeting people, I do get a lot of excitement from doing both at once. My only worry is not being able to keep my guest entertained, but I suspect it will turn out to be less of a problem than I expect, as usual.

Spent most of the day at work trying to install Vista on Darius' computer. He bought a copy and asked me to install it, but the installer wouldn't start, because apparently the 'BIOS is not fully ACPI compliant'. My only chance of resolving that was to hope to find a BIOS update that made the problem go away, but HP didn't make that easy. Even when I found one, the utility only ran on Windows, which I was really impressed with, considering the machine had no existing OS. So I had to install XP, only to then have the flash utility fail for unknown reasons, giving me error messages insisting I must log in as administrator, when I was. I had to find out where the update package extracted it's temporary files, get the ROM image, find an appropriate flash tool, and do the update myself, guessing at most of the settings. The result could've been success, or a dead BIOS. Luckily it was the former.

My sister was also there earlier in the day. She decided to take the interview for a job there. I don't know how it went, but she's coming in tomorrow evening for a trial and I assume that unless she somehow really sucks, she has the job.

I assume LJ's 'planned maintenance' is complete now, so this can stop being 'New Text Document' and have a proper title. As for me, I'm off to sleep. Eventually.

Refraction

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 11:37:44 -0800

I knew I shouldn't have watched that Voyager episode. It was the last of series two, ended in a 'to be continued...', and I don't have series three. I have several things to mention, but I can't seem to find a way to begin any of them. I thought starting with something completely different might help, but it hasn't. Suppose I'll just have to leap right in. Forgive the rapid subject changes.

Today. Work. I was supposed to get there before five because I was going to give a disc to one of the people who work there, but I failed to drag myself out of bed in time (the previous day had been about 30 hours long) and didn't get there until six. I could've made it a bit earlier, but when it was clear I wasn't going to make it before five, I just told Nicky where in my office the disc was and decided not to rush. I was hungry so I went to Subway and had 'breakfast', before heading to the 'bus station' (the real station is undergoing work, so my bus now leaves from what used to be a car park). Waiting for the bus on the edge of that poorly-lit car park by myself, I felt a strange sense of independence... which then reminded me of America, and made me angry.

I didn't do any programming today, it was all spent moving hardware around. The product of the evening's work is that several computers now don't contain the same components they used to. I read a LiveJournal entry of Vicky's in which she expressed a hatred for her job. I suggested that I could get her a job at California, which whilst not very exciting at least doesn't involve cleaning (or any physical effort whatsoever, in fact). She accepted, so I asked Darius, who said they could 'probably arrange something' and told me to ask Nicky tomorrow. Then I remembered him offering me a place for Shanna when she couldn't find a job, and it made me angry.

There's been talk of Vicky and Josh coming to live with us again. It was considered before, but at the time Adele had just left and it wasn't clear whether there was going to be any dispute over who was staying in the house, so they found their own place to live. Now financial reasons have brought it up again, and it seems it would be beneficial to all of us to do it. I think part of me will also just be glad to see the spare room filled. Every time I walk past it, I get a memory of a feeling that Shanna is probably in there, avoiding me. It makes me angry.

The fish which isn't mine seems to be unwell, though better than it was. When I came upstairs a few nights ago it was barely moving, and it's dorsal fin seemed very torn. I cleaned it's tank and held the bubble-emitter underneath it for a while, but it didn't seem very interested in living. I assumed it would have died by the time I came home from work the next day, but it seemed completely unchanged. Today though, it seemed to have recovered a lot. It's fin is still damaged, but it's swimming around and actually responds if I put a little food in, whereas before it was completely disinterested. I really don't know why I have Shanna's fish again. It was at my parent's house after she abandoned it last time, but on returning she begged to have it back, promising to take care of it, yet abandoned it once again. This makes me angry.

I appear to be contemplating a trip to Germany. I've been talking to somebody from OkCupid (towards whom I have only friendly intentions) who's at university there, who suggested I should visit the country. I said I had no particular interest in travelling just to see Germany, but I'd go to visit her. She seemed happy with that idea and agreed to find me somewhere to stay and to show me around, so I'm equally happy to go along with it. She might also come to stay for a few days for her spring break, which'd be nice.

As for the main reason I'm on OkCupid... oh Tux, why am I so attracted to Shannas? Seriously. Out of all the people I could be interested in (and believe me, I've found many), I'm always drawn towards that certain type of girl. I can't even really explain what it is... just a kind of simpleness. It doesn't make sense though. I have nothing in common with these people, they're not like me at all, I've seen that thoroughly demonstrated. Surely I should be looking for something else? I kind of blame Graham, for providing good conversation. With him around, I don't have to care about finding it in a partner. I'm pleased when I do (see: Adele), but so long as he doesn't disappear, it's not actually necessary. I really am too easily satisfied. I've still got about fifty people saved in my favourites list that I haven't even got around to messaging yet, but I'm fully aware that at the first sign of interest from anybody I'll probably forget them all. Which is very stupid of me.

I got a message from Chris Wilson (the person Shanna ran away with last year) the other day, which was... unexpected to say the least. I'm not sure why. He apparently wanted to apologise, to take 'responsibility for his actions'. Perhaps he just realised we both got treated the same. Still, it's a little late, he didn't say anything I didn't already know, and it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference to my feelings.

Nothing particularly interesting to mention about work lately. I'll keep what there is confined to this paragraph, so if you usually don't understand or don't care, you can skip this one. I fixed one of the only two remaining known bugs, which was the somewhat serious issue where the program would forget the quantity of a meal, seemingly at random. I noticed that it always caused a message on the server about missing UpdateTime and GUID attributes in the meal XML, and found that this was because the client was deliberately not sending them, because it believed the meal was in menu context rather than order context, even though it was apparently inside an order. Eventually I tracked this down to the function where meals are removed from an order. The particular statement that was failing was a call to List<>.Remove(), which I couldn't understand. It returned true, but the item it was supposed to remove was still there. I 'fixed' this by checking if the removal actually succeeded manually, and doing it again if it wasn't. I didn't feel confident about it since I couldn't understand why it was failing in the first place, but I put the 'fix' out anyway. That turned out to be a mistake when there came a flood of reports of meals disappearing completely. Oops. So I looked into it again, and this time realised what was happening. I'd overridden Equals() and the == operator on VantageObject<>, the class from which all my business objects inherit, to compare types and IDs rather than instances. List<>.Remove() was using these equality comparisons to determine which item to remove. After I realised that, I was finally able to reliably reproduce the bug, simply by adding two of the same meal to an order. Attempt to delete the second one, and the first one is actually removed from the list instead. However, since true is returned, the function assumes everything was fine, and happily notifies everybody that the requested meal was removed, which is a lie. So I end up with one meal being displayed which is actually removed, and one meal still in the order which is not shown any more, and also no longer in order context. Removed the overloaded operators, and the problem was fixed. Guess I learned not to play with them in future.

I think I've been overpaid the previous two weeks, by about ten hours each time. I've told Darius both times, but he doesn't seem particularly interested. I'm not sure what to do. I shouldn't just keep it, but if he doesn't care, what can I do? It would really help us right now. I suppose I can always pay it back later, if anyone ever actually checks and finds I'm right. Of course I could be wrong, and I actually did work sixty-five hours... but it doesn't seem very likely.

Found a lot of music I like lately. Alter Bridge first of all, which I heard through last.fm on it's 'station' of recommended music. A bit samey, track-to-track, but all good. Then Jonathan Coulton, who wrote the Portal credits song 'Still Alive'. Turns out he has several albums of his own, which are pretty good. If you like that kind of stuff anyway. Then Within Temptation, who I found on the search for 'bands like Evanescence'. They're not really much like Evanescence, but I like them anyway. We got some more Placebo, because the only song we had was a very poor recording of Without You I'm Nothing. I wasn't much impressed by most of their other work (at least the two albums we tried), but I find myself particularly liking Pure Morning. Anybody know some more songs like that? Whilst you're at it, anybody have any comments about Fallout 3? I've been recommended to play it, but it's still priced fairly highly and I want to know if it's worth it.

No points to anyone who spots the hidden message in this entry. Not particularly hard. I'm still really pissed off.

Family II

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 06:01:13 -0800

I have a brother (Connor, antidote074) and a sister (Vicky, vicstaroonie). Not that I've just discovered that fact, but I have been thinking about them lately. About my relationship with them, and theirs with me (which yes, are the same thing, but you know what I mean). I think I've finally noticed how much they've grown, they've reached the point where decisions start to have significance, and I have a great interest in the paths they're taking. I'm the oldest by four years, but I've never been much of a 'big brother' to either of them. When we were all young we used to play together, but by the time I was into my teenage years I had no interest in them. I actually consciously distanced myself from them because I felt they were too immature. Vicky I know looked up to me, but I never wanted to be a role model for anybody. I never had time for them because they were young and I felt so far above them. Their lives seemed so petty, whilst I thought I was doing big important 'real' things, things that mattered.

That isn't true any more. Vicky moved out and has been living with her boyfriend for something like a year now, but I noticed the change a while before that. She's done some silly things, but learned from them. She will probably make choices I don't agree with, but why should that mean anything? She's not stupid, not a child any more, she's making her life. I've found a lot of respect for her and her reasoning. I might not understand the things she'll end up choosing, but I'll feel sure she knew what she was doing.

Connor is eight years younger than me, but I've lost the arrogance of being the 'older, mature one', and instead I just see familiarity. Again another different life, different choices that I might not have made, but equally good ones. His concerns are different; he has school, the few responsibilities of teenage life, doesn't have to worry about a career or paying bills. Still young, but not a child like I always thought of him as until recently.

It's like I'm finally seeing them as individuals. Up until maybe a year or two ago they were just my brother and sister. Now they're unique people, with unique identities, that I want to get to know. People I could imagine meeting out in the world, talking to because we have something in common, not because they're 'family'. Family ties have always meant relatively little to me, I don't have any special attachment to them because of their status, I don't feel anything for them that I don't feel for my friends, and in fact I'd much rather think of them that way - as friends I have because they're good people, not because I have some kind of obligation to stick with them.

I feel a bit bad for ignoring them for so long. Particularly when Vicky was trying to get to know me, and I resisted. I didn't want to share anything about myself with anybody at the time, but I was unnecessarily harsh sometimes. Though, it actually makes me feel a little proud that she didn't let it do any damage; she wanted to 'be like me', but when I didn't have the time for her, she just found her own way instead. I don't know quite how they view me now... we still don't really talk much, and now all three of us live apart, but I've come to like the times when we get together, for birthdays and Christmas and such.

I never really give encouragement either. That's the way I act with everybody, not just them, but I wonder if it has any effect sometimes. I've never needed compliments or approval to feel good about myself or things I've done, probably because I never got them and learned to live without them. I tend to assume other people are the same though, and usually find that I'm wrong. People get the wrong idea because I only point out the bad, but it's just that my standards are high; doing something well should be normal not a special case, so it never occurs to me to point it out, but I am learning slowly that it is appreciated and can make a difference.

I feel I completely failed to make any kind of point there. I just knew I wanted to write something - I'd been reading Connor's latest entry, and ended up thinking about how the way I think of them has changed over the years. From annoying siblings to people with opinions I respect. That's probably as much a change in myself as it is in them, and I think it's noteworthy.

Throughput III

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:18:02 -0800

Today (well, yesterday - Monday) was the second day of my 'weekend'. I managed to do what I failed to do last week, and worked six days supervising running Vantage, this time including both Friday and Saturday night, so I took Sunday and Monday off. Once again, it all went well. There are two distinct recurring bugs that I've seen, one connection-related and one not. Both are annoying to the operators but neither are critical - they're still high priority, but don't actually break anything. Having some performance issues on a couple of the machines, but it's not hard to see why; I don't remember the reason for it, but most of the operator computers seem to have between 128MB and 256MB of RAM. CaliHQ2 was alright with that, but Vantage caches a lot of information in memory to reduce communication with the server and easily exceeds that amount. I could turn the cache size limits down, but I'd rather upgrade the hardware if possible.

I've lost count of the usage hours, but it's been running reliably for some time now, and processed around 10,000 orders (including deliveries, pickups, and the tills). The most stressful part of it all has been dealing with one particular operator. She gets so upset over the tiniest issues, most of which she causes herself, and abuses the mouse in ways I've never seen. She also somehow managed to get into an argument with Graham when she had a problem and demanded he fix it for her, and he didn't know how - she made some speech about how he was there to help and should do what he's being paid for. Err... no, he's there to work for me, as a programmer. Vantage is my responsibility, and though I try my best to help with any issues they discover, problems will still exist. I got very annoyed with her attitude that suggested it was somehow all about her, that I'd put bugs in the software deliberately just to piss her off. Making comments like "it's not what we need on a Friday night, is it?". No, it's not, I'm aware of that thanks. I don't need your pointless observations. I can do you job. Can you do mine?

Still related to work, yet on a completely different subject, I find myself attracted someone there, and this actually bothers me. Whilst it's probably more likely that this is 'typical' and I have been unusual so far, I've... never had this before, and I don't want it now. I've never had petty 'crushes' on anybody before. Even at school I was never particularly interested in anybody, and since then I've always been committed to one person at a time and whilst I am I just don't see anybody else. Now in just this last month or two I've felt attracted to two people I barely know anything about. It seems silly that I'm even noting this, but it's... unfamiliar to me, and I really don't like it. It seems so shallow, knowing that it's based on so little.

I've also been having... trouble supressing my anger about certain recent events and their related history. I really wish Shanna hadn't come last week, and I'd found another way to send her mail and her files from the computer without having to see her. It keeps harassing me, especially when I'm trying to sleep. Any small connection is enough to trigger a memory, and it gets to the point of rage in seconds. I actually wish for her to suffer, and that seriously worries me. I want her to know how angry I am, I want her to feel guilt, reget, to doubt herself. but I know that the reality is that she just doesn't care at all, and that is what's keeping it going. I don't know how to let it go, other than wait for it to fade with time. Again.

We're probably leaving this house in August. I think Graham is keen on leaving now, but the tenancy agreement is due for renewal too soon, so we'll be staying for another six months. I don't really want to go, but I can't afford to keep this place by myself, and he wants to remove the financial pressure so he can concentrate more on university and not have to worry about working enough to pay the bills. It won't be a problem - both of us can go back to our parents, myself temporarily whilst I look for another flat of my own. The idea of staying there is slightly tempting for a moment - it would be a lot cheaper, and let me save up some money, but I don't want to go back to living in someone else's house again. It's just not the same. Still, I might do that for a few months at least, with the aforementioned aim of getting some money together. Anyway, it's a long way off. Six months is a long time these days.

Rachel's coming again in the summer, which I'm happy about, and she also managed to get a ticket to the moved Counting Crows concert, so we can all go together. Seems we have quite a few of us now actually: myself, Graham, Connor, Rachel and Graham's parents are all going. Should be great.

As for today itself, I didn't do much. I was tired having stayed up all morning watching Voyager, and tried to sleep through the afternoon but Nicky kept waking me up by calling and telling me things that really weren't urgent and could have waited. Got up about 6pm and had a bath, which I really wanted, but kind of changed the day. Before the bath I felt ready to get up and do something, but afterwards I just felt relaxed and not wanting to be active. For a about five minutes this morning, I also felt in the mood to write in my diary, but it didn't last long enough to start. I'm still hoping I'll get the feeling for a decent period of time soon; it's a very specific mood, anything else just doesn't work. I'll find a way to get there. Suppose I'll get a little sleep now though. G'night.

Passing IV

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 01:50:44 -0800

Small update, just because it's been a while. My vision is blurry, which is annoying me; I'd understand if I felt tired, but I don't, I feel fine, I just can't see the screen properly.

We didn't run Vantage every day, but that wasn't my fault or it's fault. The days we did run, we ran all day, and it all went very well, including Friday night. That pleased me. I was hesitant to do it, because I spent Thursday making some changes to the protocol library to use asynchronous socket writes, partly for performance and partly to correct a problem that'd come up the previous couple of days. It was untested other than a quick check to make sure it 'still worked', but thankfully it was fine, and the problem is gone. It's now served around three million requests and I'm very happy with it's stability and performance. More than anything though, Friday was symbolic; if it can do Friday, it can do anything.

Shanna came on Sunday, to collect a couple of items of mail and move her files from my computer. It was uneventful, and mildly depressing. She made a couple of attempts to have a conversation, but didn't get far. I found myself being annoyed at her again, just for 'acting nice'. We're not on good terms, why pretend? I had some mixed feelings, a few of them positive, but none of them can be trusted. She's so deceptive. I was glad when it was over.

I'm thinking a lot of things I don't seem to be able to express. None of them have anything to do with anything else I've written here. Maybe I'll find a way, eventually.

Floating

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 01:50:43 -0800

Ah, that didn't take long. I know what it is now. I talked to Rachel for a bit, who told me some things I really already knew, but it helped to hear anyway.

I feel detached. This could be anywhere, at any time - I don't feel tied to anything, there are no points of reference to determine my position from. I'm remembering millions of things with such equally perfect clarity that they could all be yesterday. I could be anywhere between five and fourty, there doesn't seem to be any reason to believe that it has to be 2009, or that I'm twenty-two. Just numbers, relative to other numbers, they don't mean anything, they're not important.

I want to tell people completely useless facts about things I remember. Pointless, insignificant trivia. Just because right now, I can.

I'm really tired now. Staying up was a mistake, but nothing new there. I guess this is going to be another day without sleep. The best approach seems to be to attack it head on, try and get work out the way as early as possible then come home and collapse in the evening. Maybe.

Desynchronisation II

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 13:22:04 -0800

It got off to a promising start, but quickly fell apart as usual. Got up at 9 on Friday morning, had a nice cooked breakfast with Graham and did ten hours at work. Then spent all night wasting time online until about 5am before finally sleeping. Not surprisingly, the next morning I couldn't get up quite so early. Still, I managed about 11, and did about another ten hours, but was very tired by the end of it. Stayed up all night yet again to a similar time, and then it added up to more than my body could take, so this morning I didn't get out of bed until 4pm. Didn't do many hours today, so my total for the week is about twenty-five hours. Twenty-four would've been three normal days anyway, so my attempt at making up for the lost time pretty much failed. Still, this week is going to be a long hard one - I wouldn't be surprised to do between fifty and sixty hours. Darius said that from today, he wants to switch exclusively to Vantage. If problems come up we deal with them as they arise - switching back to CaliHQ2 (the old software) is a last resort only. It's a risky approach, but that's how California does things. Everything is ready, and from the trials in December I don't expect anything serious to go wrong, but it's still going to be a very stressful time, mainly because of the users. I can't stay from opening to closing every day or I will die, so I need to decide how best to divide my time. I will go in for opening tomorrow to begin everything and probably stay to closing the first day, but from then onwards I will probably come in just before the shift change, about 4pm, and stay to closing which is about nine hours (eleven on Friday and Saturday). I'll need to be there Friday and Saturday night for certain, but if it survives those two evenings it will survive anything, so I'll then probably take Sunday and Monday off completely as my 'weekend'. Sounds okay, but we'll see how it goes...

Whilst I was sleeping in this morning, I had a dream that Shanna wanted to come back to me, and I refused. I wanted her to apologise and she wouldn't. I was trying to speak to her sensibly about the things we'd have to agree to face, and she would only argue and try to pin them on me. So I walked away, and didn't feel like I was losing anything. I've really never felt like this before, she really has succeeded in destroying everything this time; last time she failed, and though I was serious about committing to somebody else, I still wished I could still have her. That's all gone now. I don't even find her attractive in the same way any more, which has surprised even me - I've always thought she was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen, right from the first time I saw her, but lately I've actually been consciously noticing that I don't feel the same. I think my physical and emotional appreciation for someone are very much connected. If I think of her now, all that comes to mind is a sexual desire, nothing emotional. I want her for pleasure, but I've no desire to share anything intimate, my satisfaction would not come from any kind of sharing, but would be purely physical. I've never felt that way about anybody, and indeed I've always wanted not to.

Anyway, other than feeling deprived of the sexual aspect, I'm feeling quite contented about everything. I felt a bit lonely whilst Graham was away, but spending time with him now, and my family over Christmas, has fixed that. I'm back on OkCupid again, but not in any hurry this time. Last time I was pressuring myself to prove that I could replace her, but now I know I can for two reasons: I've done it before, and I don't have residual feelings for her dragging me back. I do seem to have developed an obsession over My Favourite One, which is a bit silly, but it's harmless. I don't even know her real name (so if you were wondering who it was, if I know your name, it's not you).

Finally, one small thing I forgot to mention last time: I've decided to make a serious effort to learn Farsi. I took an interest some years ago, and Atieh taught me a few words and I practised writing a bit, but I want to give it a proper effort this time. I'm going to focus on learning the written language in the Latin alphabet, so I can for example hold an IM conversation with Atieh in her language. I'll leave learning the spoken form and the native written form for later (as much as I love the script - so pretty!). I'm planning to get a book to help me, when the financial situation has settled a bit (too much non-earning over Christmas) and I find a good one.

Reflection III

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 13:23:56 -0800

Writing this entry was the only thing I intended to do today, though it's still taken me until almost 3am to get around to it. I'm back to work tomorrow morning, and have arranged with Graham to go for breakfast at 9, so I need to be up again pretty soon.

The post I made at Christmas wasn't really anything to do with Christmas, so I suppose I should mention that. It wasn't particularly eventful. I went round to my parents house on Christmas Eve, and stayed a couple of nights there. Vicky and Josh came over the same day, but didn't stay, so the 24th was the most eventful, most 'Christmassy' day. Connor had got that Guitar Hero game, so he and Vicky and Josh spent most of the evening playing that. I'd been avoiding it, thinking it looked silly, but I did have a go in the end and it wasn't that bad. It didn't really seem to have any connection to music though; other than the rhythm of the song helping with the timing, everything seemed entirely about pressing the buttons in the right sequence, and the whole 'you're a rock star' part of it got kind of lost, at least whilst I was playing it. The theme of the game could've been completely different and it still would've seemed the same to me.

Christmas day itself was quieter. We had a nice roast ham dinner, which I ended up eating most of, I think, and watched whatever was on television. I haven't had a television at home since I moved out three years ago, and I always find myself strangely fascinated to be in the presence of one again, but still never feel a desire to own one. At my parents' house I can sit and watch it quite happily, but in the years I've been without one I've never missed it for one second. Unfortunately, I also saw Eastenders. I didn't want to, but there wasn't really anywhere to escape to except upstairs, but there was nobody up there and nothing to do, so I just stayed and tried ignore it. It depressed me. Are there any characters that aren't lying to at least one other, or keeping some secret for blackmail purposes, or generally trying to ruin everyone else's lives? Someone please tell me that the actions of these people in the storylines are supposed to be met with disgust by the audience... they're not supposed to be accepted as normality... are they?

I stayed up long after everyone else went to bed, and didn't get up until about 7pm on the 25th, which made me annoyed at myself. I'm trying to stop this, but I'm not making any progress at all.

On the 28th, we went up to Minehead. Christmas day was my Granddad's 80th birthday, and the family had organised a surprise for him. Minehead is one end of the West Somerset Railway, which still operates steam trains, something he has a great interest in. It'd been organised for him to sit up with the driver whilst the rest of the family rode in the carriages behind, whilst we went from one end of the railway to the other and back. There were thirty-three of us there, coming from all over the country, so the whole event was split over three days. The first day was mainly just for everybody to arrive, and we had a small dinner in the evening and a chance for everyone to talk. The next day was the trip itself, and a big party in the evening, and the third day everybody went back home.

I was happy to go for the sake of being there to celebrate the birthday, but I wasn't keen on the 'family gathering' part. There's nothing wrong with my family, we don't have any disagreements or anything, but we just don't have anything to say to each other. All my cousins always sit together and talk endlessly, and I just sit by myself. One by one they'll attempt to have some kind of conversation with me, but it's always the same 'how are you' talk where they ask if I'm still doing the same work, where I'm living, and what my marital status happens to be this week. Then there's nothing more to say and they go away. They're just being polite. I don't think they have any real interest in what I'm doing, and I don't have any interest in their lives either. They're all doing okay. They've all got their good moments and bad moments, and they're all pushing onwards like everybody else is.

I'm not sure how to explain this next bit. I kind of wish that none of them ever knew what was happening to me. I was the first of my generation in my family to get married, and of course everybody knew about it. I'm the first to have a child, and no matter how little information I give out myself, they all know about that as well. But my wife is gone, my son is gone, I really don't want to talk about it. I get the feeling that all the rest of them are going to do these things too, but they're not going to lose them. Now I'm the first and only one who's got these things wrong. I'm not afraid of their judgement, exactly, but I feel disappointed in myself when I'm among them, because I've ended up in a mess and they haven't.

I'm probably going to provoke something here. I missed both lives, and wished either of them were a part of this one. The last time I went to a gathering like that was just after Shanna arrived to stay, for my aunt's wedding, and I couldn't escape the memories of that. She was my escape that time - when I didn't want to be around my family any more, it was okay, because I had my own. I remember retreating with her, I remember her being upset because I wouldn't dance, I remember walking around outside with her afterwards, I remember talking in our room, I remember a promise, I remember sneaking out with her in the middle of the night. And the connection to my other life... I remember playing with Brian and Mikey. We left the adults and went to play with the two children. I remember letting them ride on our backs and running around chasing each other, and being so happy with the thought that one day, we'd have our own. I saw them again this time, and though neither of them paid any particular attention to me, seeing them play with Georgina (the next youngest above them) brought the feeling back with such intensity. I don't think I ever realised how big this was until these last few months. I've wanted a family for as long as I can remember, but it's always been there competing against my other ambitions... or so I thought. Nothing comes close now, there is nothing I want more. I missed being a separate 'family', being identified as 'Ashley & X' as a single entity, being treated entirely differently. I almost feel I don't want to be seen again until I they can see me that way. I never want to meet them again as just Ashley. I don't want to go back to that. Feeling that was actually disturbs me a little... but I do.

Finally, the new year. That wasn't very eventful either, but I enjoyed it. It was very welcome after the trip, anyway. I spent it at home with Graham, just playing games (mainly Streets of Rage 3) and listening to music and talking. We didn't even manage to get any food or drink because the shop was closed by the time we tried to go. 2009... I don't like the sound of that. Still, as people keep helpfully pointing out, this year can't really go much more wrong than the last. I don't do resolutions, but I will designate this year with a purpose: this year is for repair. Between 2004 and now, I really should not have ended up here, and this year is for putting it right. I don't expect to achieve anything in particular, but I expect to end it in a good position, standing on a good foundation I can actually work from. I'm going to find a routine. I'm going to make whatever decisions I have to to ensure I'm financially secure - and that will involve choices about where I work. But most of all, I am going to make sure there is no more waste. I am sick of waste. The amount of time that has passed for nothing is too much to think about. Never again do I want to look back at any period of time and wish it hadn't happened. I want to know that even when things go wrong, there is something constructive I can gain from it. 2005 - 2007 must never be repeated.

Parallax

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 11:34:13 -0800

I really miss my diary. I started it on Tuesday 12th September, 2000. It wasn't the first time I'd tried keeping one. I have paper diaries going back to about 1995, but most of them failed miserably. I'd been given them for Christmas, and the first week or two would have an entry for every day... but that would soon fall into weekly and then cease completely, until next year came around and I was given a new one and felt a fresh drive to keep it regularly, only to fail again. The problem was the fixed nature of them - one page for every day of the year, and all the same length - but some days just aren't worth writing about, and when those that are usually should not be confined to a page. It took until 2000, when I got a computer (an old IBM PS/2) in my room that I decided to keep one that could be more flexible - I would write only when I had something to say, and as much or as little as I wanted. My first few entries were barely more than a paragraph each, and frequent. Then the usual pattern set in, and updates became less frequent... but it didn't die. They got longer, and there was a distinct shift from documenting events to recording thoughts and feelings. They grew and grew, until each entry was easily a 25,000 word essay.

It died in 2005, when Shanna came. After she left, I tried to document her two-week stay, and I failed. There was more to say than I'd ever said before, and indeed things to describe I'd never felt before... and it was a busy time. I didn't have the time for it, and it got left for later. Later never came. That last entry was Monday 28th of August, 2005, was the longest I'd ever attempted and was never finished. It lays abandoned at 30,000 words and is not even a quarter of the way completed. Now, it probably never will be; even if I found the time, with the right mood to write in, too much has been forgotten for it to be continued. Oh I remember what happened, and even if I didn't, I took notes at the time to help me when I came to write, but although they tells me everything we did and everywhere we went, the notes I made on my emotions no longer make sense to me. I could write a full account of that visit, but it would be meaningless because all the parts that matter, my thoughts at the time, are lost.

Since that unfinished entry, my life has changed beyond all recognition. I moved out of my parent's house, Shanna moved in with me, we were married, she left me, I dated Adele, she became pregnant, we moved to Poole together, I got a taste of 'family life', I gave it up and took Shanna back, and then left her again. I suffered two severe depressions, and had my entire view of myself and my life changed. I've made new friends, my siblings have 'grown up', my relationship with old friends and my family has changed, XVII has ceased and Vecsoft founded, my goals and desires are more clearly defined. So much has occurred, but none of it recorded. That upsets me.

What I feel now is a desire for control, to sort everything out and get into a regular routine. It doesn't seem possible, it feels rather hopeless, but that's what I want. Then I want to write once again. The unfinished entry is lost, and I will have to leave it, but I want to start again, from now, the present day.

I'm still in love with ghosts. I miss you, my dæmon.

Tiredness II

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:55:32 -0800

Well, I just spent the last couple of hours finishing of my last entry about meeting Adele. I'm sorry if it's not very good. It was hard, very hard.

It took a while before I got a chance to get the sleep I needed. I stopped writing the entry half way through because I began seeing things that didn't exist, but only got a few hours sleep before I got called into work because the hard disk in Ringwood Road's till decided to commit suicide. Luckily we had a spare till to replace it with, so they were up and running again in a few minutes, but then I had to stay at work and fix the other one. It takes the smaller 2½" laptop-sized hard disks, which I didn't have any of, so we had to go to PC world to get one, and then I had to install an operating system on it and get all the drivers and software installed. That wasn't easy either, because I couldn't find any identifying marks on the system, and when I eventually did find out the make and model, it was some obscure manufacturer with barely any information, and a crap site that had 'under construction' written on most of it's pages in place of useful things like, say, driver downloads. Most of the on-board things turned out to be part of an Intel chipset, so that went okay, and luckily the touch-screen software for the other tills happened to work on this one too; I never would have managed to get that working otherwise. I never did find a driver for the sound device.

By the time I'd finished it was about 8pm, so I just decided to stay until the end. I then worked 12pm - 1am the next day as well, for reasons I cannot remember now, so I thought I would take today off to recover, which I did. Got up and went for a wander around the high street in search of a particular gift, but couldn't find what I was looking for. I plan to go to Bournemouth in the morning tomorrow and have a look there. I also took my watch into every jeweller I could find to ask if they could fix the bent link in my strap, but none of them could. Some of them were quite... well not rude, but some of the 'higher class' shops spoke as if I didn't deserve their help because I hadn't spent

Identity

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 23:13:39 -0800

Hello, I'm an idiot. I haven't slept for about 38 hours now, but decided that today would be a good day to wash my bedding. Now it still isn't dry yet, so I can't go to bed. My plans for the day have been rearranged constantly, actually. I didn't sleep last night because I ended up watching Star Trek. I didn't get home until half past one. I went to ASDA to buy some food to have a meal with, but ended up eating snacks instead. Whilst snacking, I came across season one of The Next Generation, and started watching. When I stopped watching, it was time to go to work. I went to put in a prescription, and then had breakfast at subway whilst I waited. Then I realised I wasn't going to make it to work by twelve, so I went home and did what I had to do remotely. Picked up some fish food on the way back, because Shanna has decided to leave her fish to die again. Left the house for the second time, put some money in the bank, picked up the prescription which was now ready for collection, and got on the bus. I thought I'd do a short day then head home. Or at least a small amount of work and then just use my office for my own unpaid purposes for a while. Ended up working the entire twelve hours until closing, but it wasn't too bad - I got some good work done, even though I was falling asleep for most of the time.

I would say that I had a good weekend, but that would be stretching it a bit - the good day was Friday, but most of Saturday and Sunday sucked because Saturday was mostly consumed by trying to get home on the trains amidst delays and confusion, and Sunday spent mostly recovering from some kind of cold that I got from Adele. So, the Friday... I liked Friday.

I forget why, but I somehow neglected to sleep again, right up until there was only about an hour to go, at which point I decided to get into bed. Not a great idea, but luckily I woke up just fine, and made it onto the first train. I somehow managed to miss the connection at Southampton, despite arriving five minutes before it came... being stood at the platform whilst it apparently went by (I don't believe a word of it)... and still being stood there five minutes later, at which point I decided to ask a staff member whether it'd been. Apparently, it'd gone right in front of me. I swear it was invisible. I eventually arrived in Bath almost an hour late, but other than feelings guilty about making Adele wait, we didn't have any particular plan so it was okay. We went for a little walk by the river, which was nice, went in a couple of shops along the road, then found somewhere to eat. Up until then, Merlin's presence had been somehow...not very noticeable. Adele was carrying him, and of course I saw him the moment we met, but he was all wrapped up and sleeping. When we sat down to eat though, he woke up to join in the feast, so that was the first time I really saw him.

I don't really have an initial reaction to share. As I'll repeat for much of this, it was all very... normal. I was quite fascinated really - I've not been around such a young baby since my own brother was born fourteen years ago. I was amazed by how... small he is, all his tiny little features. Almost not real. And the aura of incredible innocence that surrounds him, and his changing expressions as he looks around. You can't help but wonder what he's experiencing, what he's thinking... I just wanted to join in and see it too. Holding him was.. again, very natural.

We went for another little wander in bath, where we saw a giant mobile phone walking down the road. Obviously some kind of advertising campaign, but I don't know quite what it's aim was. The abbey was closed for a service, but we went in the museum underneath it, and then came out and had some ice cream and talked some more in a little ice cream shop. It was then about time to start back, so we headed for the train station.

I liked our little visit to Bath. I'd only been there once before, and only for a brief visit to the baths themselves, on the way back from a family holiday in Wales. As I commented to Adele as we were leaving, I actually felt quite comfortable there, very safe. Considering my dislike of travelling and unknown environments, that's quite notable. It was also nice to meet Adele in a more neutral place at first, rather than either of our homes. That was all very natural too, other than a couple of feelings that stood out to me which I will get to later.

Willow was being looked after by Adele's friend to make travelling easier, so we got a taxi at the other end and picked him up on the way back to her house. Seeing him again was a little stranger, as predicted. I couldn't tell if he recognised me or not - he didn't do anything to explicitly indicate that he had, but then he seemed quite happy to be near me and sit on my lap for the journey back. I suppose he felt some familiarity, even if he couldn't remember why.

Adele's new place is nice. We went through to the kitchen (which struck me as disproportionately large compared to the other rooms), and talked some more whilst she made Willow some dinner and I had a cup of tea. To even be writing this is the most peculiar feeling. It feels like none of this is of any relevence (which you may agree with, it's not particularly exciting, I know). Being there felt, again, extremely natural... but at the same time I was definitely in Guest Mode™. This created quite a conflict - Adele, well, did normal things, like making some food, folding some washing, changing Willow, and I wanted to help, but I couldn't because I was a guest and these things did not concern me. This is how I always feel in anyone else's home, but it was unsettling to be feeling that and at the same time having habit and familiarity telling me I should be doing those things too.

Seeing Willow and Merlin together is what... did it. Whatever 'it' is. I'm about to give up trying to write this, I just can't explain anything. That was the... highest point of familiarity I felt during the visit. Standing in the kitchen with Adele doing normal things, Merlin in his little chair-that-rocks (not a rocking chair), and Willow running around playing with his Duplo and other toys, occasionally interacting with Merlin. I could have belonged in that scene, and half of me did, and half of me knew I was a mere visitor.

After Willow had eaten and played for a while, Adele put him to bed, we ordered some Chinese takeaway and went upstairs to watch a film. Merlin fell asleep on me whilst we were waiting for the delivery, but woke up when we got upstairs with it. I managed to get up, go upstairs and lay him gently on the bed next to me all without waking him, but as soon as we started to eat he woke up with the same idea - it's like he knows, lol. The film we started watching, the title of which I forget, wasn't very good so we gave up half way through... and that was when the important discussion started.

Adele asked me a few times during the day how I 'felt about Merlin', but it's such a vague question I couldn't really answer it. Finally though, I tried. The first thing that came, was that he didn't feel... mine, at least not any more than Willow had. In fact, he felt exactly like Willow to me, both in 'the way things are', and 'the way things were', although obviously with Merlin the 'were' is 'could've been'. My feelings are very like the division I felt earlier, simultaneously being on the inside and the outside. I love both of them. I still love Adele. I love the three of them as a family, and I still have vague feelings that I'm a part of that. However, in the present that's being overridden by an acknowledgement that I'm not there, and that strips me of everything I would otherwise think I had a right to feel. They should be my family, and in ways they still are, but I am the outsider.

Adele has a boyfriend, and I accept that he has my role now, and rightfully so. I don't know him and I don't know how he fulfils it, but it's his place.

In the end, it all comes down to how I want to be seen by the children. My greatest fear is being rejected by them, and though I'm sure it won't happen, anything that might influence their opinion scares me. I don't want to visit them for the sake of visiting them. I don't ever want it to seem to me or to them to be something I do because I have to, or feel morally obligated to do so. If I cannot be their 'father', I don't even want to try, because anything other than living with them is failure. My feelings for them are no less, though - I care about them just the same, and I want us to have a good relationship. I want them to think of me as someone they know will always be there for them, will always have time for them, and to know that they're always welcome. In practice, this might be exactly the same as if I'd just 'visited' as their 'father', but it's the distinction of my intentions that is important to me. I'm going to do the best I can do, but I'm never going to pretend it's something it isn't, or try and claim to be more than I can be.

And yes, I think it's inevitable to start wondering why we're in this situation anyway. Why isn't it me who's there with them? It seems we both share a feeling that perhaps we should have done more for their sake, but... eh, we did try, we really did. It's so sad though, especially because it all seems so distant now. Yes, it's been talked about, but we agree it would be the same if we were to 'go back'. Neither of us can go back. The future we don't know, but there is only forward. Both of us are doing alright as we are though - she has a life she is happy with, and I am learning again to build one by myself. There were small moments of sadness the previous day, brief thoughts of something lost... but other than that I really enjoyed her company as a friend. It does seem distant, but I do remember the stress and depression, but now that the pressure and the reasons for it all are gone, all that's left is all the good. I'm happy this way.

I didn't sleep very well that night for some reason. I think it was just the strangeness of knowing where I was. Adele fell asleep with Merlin whilst we were watching Jonathan Creek, and when it finished, I lay down next to them. I was laying on top of the bed, since in it seemed somehow inappropriate, but eventually I got so cold I couldn't stand it and got in anyway. I was laying next to Melin, and the last thing I remember before eventually managing to get a little sleep, was seeing his eyes move, and wondering what he was dreaming.

The journey home was horrible. Train services were delayed, and I made the mistake of thinking that the 'route' part of my ticket was telling me where to change. I chose the Salisbury route, so got off at Salisbury, only to find that the train I wanted to change to was one going to the sane place as the one I'd just been on. So, I had to wait another hour for another one of those, to finally get to Southampton where I should've made my one and only change. Unfortunately, the train from Salisbury was delayed, and even though I ran to catch the connection to Poole, it was running on time and I missed it by seconds. Then I realised that the next one didn't even go to Poole, only as far as Bournemouth, so I waited another half an hour or so for that, only to have to wait and change again at Bournemouth to get to Poole.

To make it more fun, I apparently caught some cold or something from Adele, and felt horrible for the entire journey. The whole visit turned out quite expensive too... quickly adding up with tickets there and back, buying lunch, getting a delivery, taxis to and from the station, and buying food and drink whilst waiting for trains. It was poorly planned on my behalf though, I'm sure next time will be better. It'll have to be, I can't afford to do that too often.

So. For now it's all just a case of becoming used to it. I feel quite comfortable with everything in my own mind, but it's other people that throw me off. When we were out together in Bath, people kept noticing Merlin and obviously assuming that we were 'together', and that he was mine. Well, he is... but... there becomes ambiguity. I know I know, it's not important, they're strangers, I could make up anything, I'll never see them again... but it worries me that one day someone will ask something like "is he yours?" and I will hesitate, then say yes, then feel like I've deceived them by not telling them the whole story. Saying no would be equally dishonest, though.

It'll be a long time before Merlin is really capable of forming a proper opinion of me, but Willow will begin to do so sooner. I suppose when he begins to talk will be the real revelation. I can ponder all I want, but it won't be until I hear their own words that I will really be able to answer the question "who am I?"

Tiredness

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 07:02:32 -0800

Oops. I was supposed to go to sleep. In about two and a half hours I need to be boarding a train to Bath, to meet Adele and Merlin at 10. I didn't leave work until 1 though, and stayed up a bit to have something to eat and wash some clothes... by which time there were about five hours to go and it didn't seem worth going to bed. Now I've gone and got into bed anyway, so I've just got to try and stay awake!

Ozric Tentacles are great for listening to in bed.

Release

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:32:32 -0800

I've been quite enjoying the outside world the last few days - it feels like it's mine again. I forget every year what it feels like, but that's okay, because it means I always have a pleasant surprise when winter comes around again. I've wondered all my life why it's generally accepted that sunny days are good and cold ones are bad, but whatever the reason, it suits me well. Normally busy places become deserted, cold rain washes the chavs away, and everyone else goes home when the daylight fades, which is early. Then it's my turn to come out. Everything feels more open - heat always seems somehow enclosing, you can feel it around you, but in the cold, it seems like there's nothing between you and the sky. The light is beautiful; the lack of direct sunlight makes all the buildings fade into each other, all dull grey... and then you can really see what's behind them. The contrast between the dim surroundings and the bright blue/grey/yellow/red sky beyond is incredible. I haven't even really been anywhere, except work, but just stepping out into the street feels completely different than it did a couple of weeks ago. This is my season.

I'm happy with work again. We're not going to run any more trials until after Christmas, because it's getting very busy and Darius is understandably worried - I'm confident it'd work just fine, but if my entire business depended on it, I think I'd stick with the known option for another month too. This is good for me anyway - I've been maintaining two separate branches: a stable one that we've been using, and a new one with a much updated core and server. A few weeks break will give me time to merge them and make sure everything's okay, then we can start using it full time in January. The stable branch has had about fifty hours use now, with four tills and two or three phone operators working simultaneously, and we've not had any issues. The server service has been up since the trials started, and has served about 450,000 requests without any problems. I've closed the 'zero meal total' bug, and everything is looking good.

In fact the only thing that isn't 'right' at the moment is my sleeping pattern. My day appears to have shifted to run from about 3pm to 6am. It's not a major problem, but it would probably be good to sort it out a bit.

I edited my last post, because I read it back and realised how awful it was. I kept alternating between past and present tense for no apparent reason, and there were quite a few other mistakes too. So, I corrected all of that, but just to clarify: the meanings of any sentences have not been changed, only the wording, slightly. The comments have got quite interesting. Shanna made her usual comment about how I've got it all wrong, but also like usual, hasn't responded to invitations to correct me. No, I didn't write everything that was said, partly because I can't remember it all and partly because only a small percentage of it is important. I'm happy to add anything she suggests, though; I don't think anything that was omitted makes any difference to the story.

It's coming up to twenty past five now, so nearing the end of my day. I'll probably work a short day today, so I can try and sleep earlier before I get up to go and meet Adele on Friday morning. Suppose I'll make it up on the weekend. It doesn't matter so much now that we're not running Vantage - the pressure is off and I can work at a more relaxed pace. I think I'm done here for now, though.

Betrayal XII

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 14:42:14 -0800

Well, I finally got what I wanted, got my answer. The story is now complete, and so it can be told.

As you can probably guess, the answer was no. No, she does not care at all about what happened to us. She admitted she feels no emotion towards me whatsoever, and that the reason for this was because she has learned to be able to deliberately ignore it. Yes, she came back here intending to give our relationship a chance by purposefully feeling nothing towards me. I've been lied to again. So how did this happen?

Go back six months. I was unhappy. Adele and I really had been trying to make it work, but it got very bad. No more than a couple of days could go past without one of us talking about leaving. I tried a few times, and failed every time because of Willow, but I knew it wasn't a good environment for him or for the unborn baby. Maybe eventually I would've managed to convince myself of that and carry it through, but it never got to that because I was handed another option. The very thing I'd dreamed of but never thought would happen. I did truly love Adele, and I still do, but I never stopped loving and longing for somebody else. You could say it was wrong of me, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't entirely sure who that person was - the Shanna I'd last known was not somebody I could ever have feelings for, but I still remembered the one I'd met before, the one I'd gladly given my life to. The one who was the reason I'd done everything I had done. I never could properly separate the two, and then one of them reappeared. It acted like the one I loved. It told me it had been wrong, that it needed me, that I was everything. I couldn't say no. I told Adele, and she told me not to come home. So I didn't, and then she left.

I put all my trust in the good Shanna. I knew the other one was there too, but the good one was all I could see. For a while, at least. She told me she wanted to leave properly this time instead of just running away, and I respected that, but told her I would need her support and reassurance until she came back. I would be okay after that, but just for this short period, I needed her to be there for me... but she wasn't. She let me down again and again until it got to the state that I really doubted there was any point in her coming back. She failed to be there for me and I got hurt, but I got through it without her help. Still though, I thought it was just because she was far away. She'd never been very good at keeping agreements but I always put it down to just innocent forgetfulness. It wasn't her fault, it was just who she was. It always upset me a little, but I could live with it. It had never been a problem when she was actually with me in person, she'd been nothing but caring then.

So she arrived. That night after I brought her back from the airport, she started putting her stuff away. I sat and waited for a bit, and eventually gave up and asked 'are you mine now?', but she carried on... doing things. I waited patiently until she'd finished, and hoped that at last we could have some time together... but she was tired and wanted to sleep. I was disappointed, but agreed. The next morning and few subsequent days were a bit uncomfortable, but as I wrote at the time, where do you start with something like that? It was a distinct contrast to what I'd been lead to expect before she came - we talked on the phone and she made it seem like she was completely comfortable with me. She wasn't, she wasn't happy with physical contact at all. Still, I could kind of understand that too. She hadn't realised how she would feel, it was an understandable mistake, I could give it time. I waited, and things seemed to get better. We did things together, enjoyed each other's company. Things got more comfortable, and at Poole Park Fest, she kissed me.

It seemed she was comfortable around me again. We talked more, and this is when the actual problems started. She had issues with past. I thought we'd agreed that this was something new, and what either of us had done wouldn't come into it, but it did. She said she couldn't deal with the fact I'd been with Adele, yet didn't seem to think that what she'd done was of any importance. She still wore the ring she had used to get rid of me in Scotland, the one she showed to me and told me that she and Chris were 'engaged'. She confused me by what I can only describe as teasing. She was still being selective on what was 'okay' physically, and I was again respecting her wishes. But then, she would suddenly do something I thought wasn't allowed, but then just as suddenly stop it from going any further. She did this repeatedly for days and it really messed with my head. I didn't have a clue where the boundaries were any more - it just seemed like she could do whatever she wanted and I could do nothing.

We had sex. It was damn good, but I couldn't help feeling that it hadn't meant anything to her. I wanted it to be a reconnection, being reunited at last with my first. The next time was the same, and the next... and then there wasn't really any more. It wasn't right, it wasn't meaning anything. She would just act like nothing had happened, get dressed again and go to sleep. That was another thing that upset me. It's special to me to sleep naked with my partner, always has been. It's part of a larger feeling of possession - when we're out there with the other people, we act as separate people, but when we say goodnight to everyone else, go into our own private space and close the door behind us, our day in the rest of the world is over. That is our time, and there should be nothing between us. She'd told me before she came to stay in 2005 that she'd always worn clothes to bed, but the very first night she arrived, our very first night together ever, at my grandparents' in Oxford, she slept naked with me willingly, without me asking her, and did so every night for the rest of the time we were together until the day she left me. But suddenly no more. She said she'd always hated it all along and didn't want to any more. It upset me just to sleep like that, though possibly I could have got used to it eventually, but to be given everything in intimacy and then have it all taken away again the second it's over, like it was being rationed to me, I was being fed just enough to keep me happy. It's mine! It has to be mine!

The belonging (or lack of it) theme continued. Really petty things that honestly shouldn't have ever been an issue, but they all added up. At the Bournemouth Air Show she wouldn't let me take a photo of her. Why? I could see her, with my eyes. If she didn't think she looked good, I could respect that. I could promise that no other person would ever see it. But me? I should be different. I'm not 'other people'. There should never, ever be a time where she doesn't want to be seen by me. She didn't want to merge any of her things with mine. This particularly bothered me on the computer. I keep things like music in D:\Music, videos in D:\Videos, photos in D:\Photos. She insisted on keeping 'her' things in a folder with her name on. Again, I could kind of accept that, but she did it when it came to things that clearly weren't hers. We could go out for a day and we'd take pictures with my camera, and she'd get back home and file all 'her' pictures in 'her' folder. The fact that we could spend a shared day together, and she could then separate the pictures into 'yours' and 'mine' I found ridiculous. They're ours! It just went on and on, and in the end I challenged her that she didn't really want to belong to me. She just said she didn't know what I meant, and no matter how much I tried to explain, that didn't change.

I put it down to her new 'strength'. She told me she'd changed, and was stronger now, more independent, didn't need anybody else. I told her that I was pleased for her, but that I thought a bit of dependence was good in a relationship. As I got upset by all these things, I felt sure it was just her trying to prove her independence, perhaps to herself or perhaps to me. I tried to talk to her about it, ask her if that was the case, explain how I felt about it all. That got nowhere either. I started to become convinced that she just... didn't care. She never expressed any emotion towards 'us'. Nothing.

I lay awake many nights trying to think of simpler and simpler ways of explaining my feelings. She always said she didn't understand what it was I wanted or was trying to ask for. I talked to her, sent her emails, text messages, wrote her a letter, I tried wording it every way I could. Every time we would talk though, she would just suddenly declare that she was tired and needed to go to sleep, and I would let her, and another day would have gone with no progress. One night, after she went to sleep, I went downstairs and read old entries about us from my diary, and thought 'this isn't who I married'. I took off my ring for the final time and haven't worn it since. Oh and how I miss it. I can't describe how good it makes me feel to wear it. I feel such pride in showing the world that I belong to somebody. But she didn't want to belong any more, she wanted to be herself now, she was 'strong'. I explained to her as best as I could why I'd done it, what I felt was missing, and what I thought would help. Nothing happened.

Then there's the final, and probably terminal thing: she told me she didn't want children with me any more. She's changed her mind on this more times than I can remember. Before she left me, I knew she wanted children. We talked about it a lot, and we were kind of trying, or at least not trying to avoid it. She wrote to me many times about the future she could see for us and our family. The first time that changed was in Scotland, when she was trying to get rid of me. She told me she'd never seen children with me. I ignored that, and indeed after we got talking again about her coming back, she'd reverted to saying she did want them with me. When she actually got here though, that changed yet again, and suddenly it was all off once more. She couldn't leave it at that though, oh no. She then went on to tell me that all the times when we'd talked about it before, and been 'trying', it'd been just because she was lonely. She never really wanted a child, she just thought it would keep her from being lonely when I wasn't home. That was... devastating.

She was also home when I learned Merlin had been born. I told her and she ignored me, literally, like I hadn't spoken. Just carried on playing her game. I could understand she was upset, given that I'd had a child with somebody else, but so was I, so I left and went upstairs. She came up later and said things vaguely along the lines of 'well done, got what you always wanted now', and told me she hated him. Well that made me very angry and upset, but her response to this was 'well I'm not going to let you ruin my evening', and to go back downstairs and play more games.

Skim quickly over the next couple of months: things got gradually worse. I continued to struggle to explain my feelings, and she continued to completely ignore them. She told me I just had to accept who she was now, and that was my problem not hers. I begin to realise that I don't really like who she is now, but I kept trying to help us anyway. I tried and tried to talk to her, but as it repeatedly failed I got more and more distant. I started resisting contact with her, not wanting to be close. She responded to this by, you guessed it, doing absolutely nothing at all, and then she started avoiding me in return. Since I'd stopped being affectionate towards her, she didn't want to spend any time with me anymore so started spending all day and night with her friends from work. I made a few last efforts to beg her to make some time and talk to me. It was ridiculous, I had to make an appointment for the end of the week when she had time for me, but I was desperate and I accepted. Then she let me down.

One night, I went in to her room and told her I thought there was no hope left and it was finished. I left, and she went to sleep. All of this is already documented. When she lied to me and left me, I tracked her down, bought a ticket, booked a hotel and followed her. I stayed day after day just to be given the honour of a few hours to talk to her and try and work things out, only to be rejected time and time again, before finally being abandoned completely and having to come home defeated. When I went into the room next door and told her I couldn't take any more, she rolled over and went to sleep. That is the difference. That is why I am right.

You know what happened after that, I've been whining about it the last week or two, but it all finally came to an end tonight. I came home from work and was surprised to find that she was actually there. She even spoke to me, to ask if I wanted anything from ASDA because she was going. I didn't, and she said she'd 'be back soon' and left. I wanted to talk to her about how she was feeling, so I waited. And waited. About an hour and three quarters later, she returns as if everything is normal. I asked her why it took so long, but let it pass. She acted kind of nice to me, made me a cup of tea and offered me some of her cake. I asked her if she was happy.

She is, apparently. She asked what did I expect, for her to be upset? I said that yes, I did, but she just repeated again that she wasn't. I asked how she could be so emotionless about it, and the answer I got was that she only doesn't show emotion to me, and that she only loves people who love and respect her, and I don't respect her. She told me that she knew right after arriving back here that she couldn't handle being with me. I told her that it was deception to carry on pretending to me that she wanted us if she knew she didn't, but she ignored this. I told her I didn't love the person she'd become, and she said that I hadn't changed at all and she didn't love me any more either. So, that was another lie, that she'd been constantly insisting that she still loved me all this time.

I just can't believe this person. Words cannot express the hatred I currently feel. The deception is just... incredible. Some people have problems being honest all the time, but I swear, Shanna and the truth are mortal enemies. Everything she ever says directly contradicts everything else she's ever said to you before, sometimes only minutes ago, and when challenged she'll defend both stances as if they're somehow compatible!

I tried to contain my anger and just told her quietly that she shouldn't have come, and she certainly shouldn't stay. I told her I want her to leave. She asked if I was throwing her out on the street, to which I told her that of course I wasn't, and suggested that she be gone by the end of January. I asked if that was long enough, and she said yes. I replied only with 'good', and went to have a bath. About twenty minutes later, she went downstairs and the front door slammed behind her. I've no idea where she's gone, or why, since I explicitly said that I wasn't forcing her to leave right away, but it's her choice, so whatever. Interestingly, I asked why she didn't go back to Scotland, and she said she didn't want to. So it seems like I was a way out of there for her. After all the bullshit she gave me about how life was so much better up there, and all the justifications she gave me for persisting in wearing that ring (she never did take it off), she doesn't want to be there any more than here.

So we're here once again, but you know what? This time, she separated the good and bad. She held up the good Shanna, the perfect one, the one I would do anything for, and she exposed her as the lie she was. She told me again and again that everything I had ever loved in her had been an act to please me. She had never wanted any of those things, and she had never really wanted a family with me. It wasn't real, and it is gone. Dead. Forever. The beautiful memory I was clutching onto does not exist. As for this person we're left with... she needs to get far away from me, the sooner the better. The only remaining mystery is the big why behind all of it. Why did she leave her home and come to live with me, if she never wanted to be what I thought she was? Why deceive herself and me, for what gain? This, I honestly believe, even she does not know the answer to. Some questions will never be answered, and I think that will bother me for the rest of my life.

For now, I just want to scream OH JESUS THE WASTE, THE FUCKING WASTE AAAARGH! A bit like last time really. Seven years! So much I have put into that relationship, for it to end in this way. You know almost anything would be better. Maybe we tried but just didn't work out, or something happened that meant we couldn't go on, or even a huge disagreement that ends in us walking out on each other. But oh no, instead I get told how everything I ever believed in was a lie.

At least the one 'good thing' that comes of this is that I get to repeat the cycle again, though even faster. I'm too angry to be upset, so stage one was over almost as soon as it began. That should mean that I have a week of ultra-motivation ahead of me. And that I can finally accept that it's better this way. There really is nothing left to love any more. I will mourn the death of my loved one, but she is gone, if she ever existed for more than a fleeting moment anyway. Beautiful dreams I have had, but dreams they were. I am free.

Loops

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 23:47:03 -0800

Ugh. Here, read this. I think I'll just link to that every time I feel this way, it's the best I can do to describe it. Ah 2005, what a great year that was. Best year of my life, probably.

Everything is going pretty much the same as it did last time. There's the first stage where I sit around thinking 'how the hell could this happen to me?', and 'why?' and all that. I lose all motivation to do anything, and everything turns into a big mess as I let it all pile up on top of me. Then comes the second stage, where I 'leap into action' and decide I can get through it, and start making a concious effort to get back on track. I feel a desire to be more social, make friends, meet people. I tidy things, change things, buy new things, anything to get kind of 'fresh' feeling, as if it represents progress in some way. When this effort fails to produce any immediate results, the third stage of disappointment and despair arrives and everything seems hopeless. I start to think it's useless to try, spend every day dreaming of the good days gone by, and feeling sure I'll never see them again. That's where I am now.

What comes after that, I don't know, because last time Adele turned up right after stage three. Although all my efforts to be social and meet people completely failed, she then found me instead. My guess is that the same sequence of events happening again isn't very likely. Progression to this stage has been very fast as well - a couple of weeks instead of several months, although part of the reason it took so long last time was the long drawn out fight with Shanna until she finally came back to take her things. This time... well I haven't a clue where the hell she is at the moment, but she's not here and she's not talking to me.

The fact she's not talking to me is still what's making me so angry. Like I said last time, I know I shouldn't be letting it bother me. I'm still trying so hard not to care about it, but... argh! How can she just... do nothing?! She hasn't even 'confirmed' that it's over, she just started avoiding me. She hasn't said a word about how she feels about what's happened, not expressed the tiniest hint of emotion. Not happy, not upset, not angry, not... anything. How can anyone be like that? It just drives me insane. The lack of emotion was what got us here in the first place, and still nothing has changed. Which all leaves me wondering, what was the point in coming back here? Why did she bother? If the outcome never really mattered to her... it just doesn't make any sense. This is why I can't leave it. I can accept whatever happens, but I have to know the reasoning behind it, I have to understand... but this just confuses the hell out of me.

I suppose I still haven't really explained what happened. Eh, I won't yet - it needs to all make sense in my head first.

Graham is in America with Rachel. Originally, as in many many months ago, I'd intended to go with him. As time went on though, it was quite clear that it wasn't really affordable. Now that Shanna's apparently getting her own visa, I technically could afford it, but I can't really leave work before Christmas. I'm slightly entertaining the idea of joining them just for a week, but it probably won't happen. Having enough money doesn't mean you should spend it, anyway - I'm sure there are much more pressing needs. Nothing new has broken for few weeks, so it must be about time again by now.

I've arranged to spend the day with Adele on Friday... and therefore also Merlin and Willow. I'm a bit worried about that - I don't really know who to be. Assuming this is a one-off thing, I shouldn't worry too much, but it's probably not. Merlin of course is too young to know what's happening, and he'll forget me soon after I'm gone. Willow however, might recognise me. As for me, how do I treat them? I keep saying that the very last thing I want to be is someone who just visits them - it has to be all or nothing. But what about visiting Adele? At least then I'm not somebody making a crap effort at being a father to them, but what do I become instead? They'll grow up knowing me as 'mummy's friend', and what will they be to me? It all seems very vague to me, not clearly defined at all. I don't know how I'm going to feel.

There was more, but I'm tired, so another time. This is all just begging for Mr. Anonymous!

Unwelcome Awakening II

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 07:56:57 -0800

Ugh. I got up at 10:30pm today, and so far I'm sorry I got up at all. Yesterday (Friday) was a very long day. Darius wanted to install the second till at Lansdowne, so we went over there to do that. Like the Ashley Road shop on Wednesday, it didn't go smoothly. First, I'd been told that there was a network connection in place already, for the existing till that we were replacing. Indeed, there was a cable there, but nobody had checked to see what it was actually connected to. It turned out to be connected to another till, in the bar area. That till in turn had another cable that ran downstairs. Apparently that second till wasn't needed any more, and since rewiring wasn't practical, it made sense just to join the two cables together. However, we didn't have anything to join them with, so we ended up temporarily installing a switch there. I then found that I still couldn't reach the router downstairs, and enquired where exactly the other cable led to (since I'd just be told 'downstairs', and assumed it was the router). Nobody knew, so we traced it down, and found it plugged straight into a computer in the office downstairs. Why all three tills and the computer were set up in a chain like that, I don't know, but again it was no use for me, so we had to move the end of the cable downstairs to go to the router instead. Finally then, I had a working connection from the new till to the router.

The fun didn't stop there. The next step was to install the receipt printer, which worked fine, and then the cash drawer... except that it had the wrong connection. All the other drawers I've worked with before have an RJ11 connector which can usually be connected to the printer, which can send a kick signal. This one had a three-pin connector that I'd never seen before. Problems like that don't deter Darius though, who suggested we just cut the plug off and wire it manually. So, we found another device which had an RJ11 and cut it off, cut the end off the drawer's connector, and tried to join them. This was a lot harder than it should've been. I did manage to find a wiring diagram for the RJ11 side, which said that wires #2 and #4 should be the ones we need. However, the electrician decided he couldn't take my word for it, and wanted to test every possible combination of the six wires with his multimeter whilst I caused the printer to send the kick signal. After doing this three times, he concluded that there was no signal and it was hopeless. I insisted that he just connect the second and fourth wires to let me see, and unsurprisingly, it worked.

This whole process took hours and hours, several fruitless trips to the warehouse and other stores to look for alternative equipment, and by the time we'd finished it was 2:30am. By the time I got home it was at least 3:30, and I then stayed up to eat and play games with Graham for a while, eventually sleeping at about 8am.

I was woken up two hours later by Shanna, who apparently just wanted to tell me that she would be late home, and try to hug me again. I don't remember what else was said, I was barely concious, but it was something about her visa and why she hadn't done anything about it yet. She said she was going to fill out the application tomorrow, but I've told her already there's no point in doing that until she's contacted them to ask if there will be any problems. Not only is it now overdue, but she is missing her old visa, because her passport was lost ages ago, and although we replaced the passport we never replaced the visa. They still have it on record of course, but I want to hear from there whether it's going to matter before we pay

Division

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 13:02:51 -0800

Well what happened the next day was... more of the same. Shanna sent me a text about 6:40 saying that she was going to her friends house to watch a film, but she would be home as soon as she could be, that we would talk tonight, and asking what time I would be back. She also mentioned that she left her house key at home. I replied saying I had no specific time in mind, and that I could come back whenever she was finished at her friend's. She said she wasn't sure when that would be, but she would let me know as soon as she was there. Two and a half hours later, I'd heard nothing so asked her if she knew what she was doing yet. I got the reply 'Almost. We aren't even there yet'. About an hour after that, I'd still heard nothing, so I send another message, but this time got no answer. So I called, and there was no answer. I called repeatedly up until about 11pm, by which time I was getting worried that I couldn't get hold of her. I assumed she must have finished watching the film by then, and that maybe she had gone home, couldn't get in because she left her key at home, and her phone was dead so we couldn't contact each other. I decided to go home, in case that was what had happened. It wasn't, there was no sign of her at home and I still couldn't get hold of her.

That was 'fine' until 1am or so, then I started to get worried. She'd told me hours ago that she was just going to watch a film, and she'd promised we'd talk tonight, but it was very late. When 2am came around, I was scared something had happened to her, but I had nothing to go on. She hadn't told me where she was going and I had no names or numbers to chase up. Then, at about half past two, she comes in as if nothing has happened, and doesn't understand why I am upset. She did say that she had sent more messages after the last one that I received, and I just didn't get them, but after I got over the relief that nothing had happened to her, I was upset that she'd let me down again with regard to taking time to talk to me. The only reason I'd waited another day was that she promised me we would talk tomorrow, but the very next thing she did was to go to bed.

That was too much for me. I went up and stood outside her bedroom door, noticing that the light was on, and that she might be coming back out again... but no, she turned it off and went to sleep. I went and sat on my own bed and thought about it until I couldn't take it any more. I went into her room, woke her up and told her I thought it was over. I left, and she did nothing. I sat on my bed again, thinking about what I'd just said and done, and cried. I couldn't understand why she wasn't doing anything. I was praying that any moment she would come in... but she never did. She'd gone back to sleep. I went back in, and pretty much collapsed on the floor beside her bed and cried. She woke up again, but still... nothing. No emotion. No sign that it meant anything at all, and to me, the final proof that I was right. Eventually, I got up and left, and went to bed myself.

I got a couple of hours sleep, before I was woken up by Shanna just before she was leaving for work, trying to hug me. She was acting as if nothing had happened last night. I didn't want it any more though; it wasn't an attempt to 'make up' or anything like it, it was an attempt to pretend everything was still fine. Nothing would be any different.

So, our current status is... separated. I won't say forever, I don't know that, but I give up trying. I've done everything I can possibly do to explain how I feel, and why, and how to change it, why it matters, and nothing has come of any of it. She keeps saying that I can't accept her for who she is, but that couldn't be further from the truth - I accept who she is, it's just not who she was, and she's no longer the person I fell in love with. If she ever decides to come and talk to me, I'm open to that, but it's definitely her move now, I've given up hope. Strangely, I don't feel that bad about it now; most of the sadness has been replaced by a kind of reluctant acceptance. This is nothing like when she left before, not at all.

I actually haven't seen her for about three days now. She's been coming home very late and I've been in bed, except for today when I came home late and she was in bed. Not that it would be any different if we had been around at the same time - she would just go up to 'her room' and close the door.

Vaguely related, I talked to Adele online yesterday, which is the first time we've really talked since she left - we've exchanged a few emails but they've been mostly for discussing a particular point - t'was nice to just 'chat' again. I actually got a kind of 'yay, we're friends again' feeling, a kind of relief. Sounds like she's doing well, which I'm happy to hear. We talked briefly about meeting up some time, but I don't know how I feel about it at the moment. I've no objection to seeing Adele again, but it's Willow and Merlin that concern me. I don't know quite how I would feel if they were there... it could be rather awkward.

Vantage is now up to thirty hours of trouble-free testing. We've also started deploying it on the tills, as well as the phone office computers. I was a bit cautious about doing that as the till interface plugin has received a lot less testing than the phone order one, but they both use the same core, so there shouldn't be much difference. Darius wanted to go ahead, so we're doing it anyway.

Finally, Graham and I went to see the Max Payne film today. If I look at it as just a film, and pretend I know nothing about it's origins, it's pretty good. Of course, since the original Max Payne game is one of my favourites, that can't happen, and the film really doesn't meet the standards of the story in the game. I was undecided earlier, but I now think they made the right choice by changing the storyline - being different is better than trying to adapt the original and failing. However, one thing I did expect to be the same was the characters, and they just weren't. The game has so much more character development and depth, and a lot more emphasis on the characters' reasons and motivations for doing what they do, all of which the film was lacking, and Payne in particular was just... not right. I mean, in both of them there's a lot of going round and shooting people, you're not supposed to like him for that, but he's not a bad person. In the game, you really know why this is all happening, you can understand, empathise. In the film, he just seems... a bit of a bastard. Despite all that though, I'll say again, it was pretty good.

Now I need to get a bit of sleep, probably about six hours - there's much to be done at work today.

Desynchronisation

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 07:27:28 -0800

Oops, I've really gone and messed up my routine now. It's 8am and I'm just thinking about getting a little sleep, but I've only been up for juts over twelve hours. I was up late Wednesday night playing Half Life 2, which I completed on Thursday, then spent all night reading until about 7am yesterday morning. Then I fell asleep, and had a very long and incredibly boring dream about trying to get to sleep whilst laying on a bench in some bar, and failing because of all the loud music and people talking. I woke up about twelve hours later, at about 7pm yesterday, and now I've just spent all morning playing the original Half Life instead. I've still got two days of work left to do, so I definitely need to go in today, but I think I will get a couple of hours sleep at least first.

Things with Shanna went to the very worst they've been, and then pretty much back to where they started again. I guess that means I lose. I tried to talk to her, but she seemed completely disinterested, and then went to sleep. I got upset that it didn't seem important to her, and woke her up pretty much to ask if she cared about resolving our problems or not. We argued for a bit, got nowhere, and I came to the conclusion that it never would, and that it was finished. As I tried to leave the room though, she called me back, and eventually persuaded me that whilst she needed to sleep now, she would try to talk to me tomorrow, although she still kept repeating that she wasn't 'ready' to talk about it. Eh, we'll see what happens today I suppose.

Just before I leave, I should say I've somewhat changed my mind about Half Life, but not completely. I've persisted in playing through it, and it's become a lot better than it seemed, but yet... it's still not Unreal, or even that close. It just has a much less polished feel, the engine is not as good, and the level design gets tedious because even though there's a good few different environments, there's only so much crawling through ventilation shafts and riding around on trams that you can take. I guess the storyline is on par, and overall it's a decent game, but I wouldn't recommend it - I'd recommend Unreal instead.

Desperation

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 11:18:15 -0800

Some things have gone right, some have gone horribly wrong. We didn't run the new system as planned last Wednesday, but I did get to Lansdowne to find out what the problem was. Turns out the PageSettings.PaperSize property is... sometimes completely useless. Depending on which printer driver is being used, when printing to a custom (i.e. not standard sizes like A4, A3, etc.) page size, the property might contain the dimensions of the page, or it might contain zero. By chance, the printers I'd tested on, the virtual XPS printer and the some Epson model, and the HP printers used in all three other stores, all return the actual page size. The Samsung printer used at Lansdowne however, is one of the ones that returns zero. Eventually we discovered that the old Document Image Write virtual printer that comes with Microsoft Office also exhibits this behaviour, so we could reproduce without having to stay on site, so we went back to the office and I found a different way to do my printing calculations that don't rely on this property. By the time it was fixed though, it was quite late, so we only ran the trial for one hour that week. We contemplated doing it on Thursday, but talked ourselves out of it at the last moment; we were at the bus stop ready to get on, but we would've only got there just before twelve... and we hadn't had much sleep... and Thursday is a busier day in terms of customers than Monday to Wednesday... so we let the bus drive away, and went to have some breakfast instead.

I felt very guilty about it, and as predicted Darius got a bit disappointed that we'd wasted most of a week. We successfully managed to do Monday to Wednesday this week though, and it went very well. I've got a list of about twenty issues to work on, but none of them are critical. As well as that, the two critical, unreproducible bugs that I still have logged from last time, have not occured. Those three days only represent fifteen hours of runtime, so I won't close the issues yet, but it's promising that there's no sign of them. I've done a lot of work on the core, and it seems to have paid off. We'll do Monday to Wednesday again next week, possibly a full day (morning and evening shifts) on Tuesday, and if we still see no problems, I suppose it will enter general usage.

Today (well, yesterday, Thursday) I took off, because I felt like a break after the three days of testing. Not sure if I'll work tomorrow or take it as my second day off - I was thinking Sunday would be better, since we're starting again on Monday, but I feel today was such a waste that I need to take another day off to feel like the break was worth having. I spent almost all of today playing Half Life 2. When I say the day was a waste, I mean only that I wish I'd done more with it, it's not a reflection on the game. The game is excellent. I'd heard that it was good for a long time, and I've been wanting to get the Orange Box for a while, but never wanted to spend the money. It finally came down in price though, so I got it. I'd played a demo recently, been attracted by the begginning segment, but disappointed by the sample chapter six, though it seems now that this was just a poor choice of what to inclue in the demo. The variety of situations is so much greater than most other FPS games. I can't really talk about my favourite parts without spoiling it for anyone who hasn't played (though it seems I'm one of the last), but I highly recommend it. It also happens that I decided to play on the tenth 'birthday' of the original Half Life, in celebration of which Valve decided to sell it for 98 cents for the day. I was curious enough to want to play the original, so I bought it. This... I am not impressed with so far. I know it's ten years old, but I can still appreciate whether a game was good for it's time, and although everyone else seems to disagree, I don't think Half Life is. Unreal was released the same year, and I consider that far superior - one of my favourite games of all time.

As for what went wrong... well, I'm not sure what it was exactly, but I appear to be sleeping by myself again. These last few weeks have been difficult, and though I had my reasons and am not the origin of these troubles, I am the direct cause of them at the moment. I'm not completely sure that I did what was best, but I think I did the right thing. There came a point when I couldn't go on without faith that there was a future I could rely on, and I couldn't see one. For the first month or so I ignored it and tried to be content with enjoying the present, which works in itself - I was happy. The phrase I keep bringing up though, the one she said to me a while back, is 'what will be will be' - I cannot live that way, and that's the way she wants to live. I felt more and more that the dedication she always had before wasn't there anymore, and that it didn't really matter to her in the end whether we stayed together or not. Every time I talked to her about it just seemed to confirm that, and she never said or did anything to assure me of the opposite. It become more and more of an issue for me that nothing was changing, and I started thinking more and more that we shouldn't act like we were together in the present if there was no future. First I felt that I shouldn't feel like we were married, because I wouldn't have married her if I had felt this way at the time. I stopped wearing my ring for the nth time. Then it got worse and worse, until eventally, about a couple of weeks ago, I decided that we shouldn't act like a couple at all. I don't like it that way, I hate it, it's torture, but it feels wrong to pretend we're okay when I don't know that it's going to be true forever. Then finally a couple of nights ago, I didn't want to be touched at all, which upset her enough that she went to the spare room and slept there, and she's been avoiding me the past two days. I came home early on Wednesday because I wanted to talk to her about it all, but she went out all evening, then came back very late and immediately went to bed.

Everyone told me I shouldn't have done this, but I didn't want to listen to any of them. I still don't. I really want to be happy with Shanna, I can't express that enough. Nobody's supporting it though, not even Shanna herself. I keep telling her all I really need right now is some reassurance that I've made the right decision, that she will work with me, for us, but she refuses to give me that. She's generally non-commital about absolutely everything, apparently because she doesn't want to say anything that turns out not to be true. To me, that just implies that everything she's not saying is untrue, so the reason she won't tell me the things I want to hear is because she doesn't believe in them. That just makes me feel even more that I'm right to doubt a future, and right to do what I'm doing.

Seriously, all I want here is to be told nice things. I want to hear stories of our happy future. Just a few words would do, so long as there's some feeling in them. Silly sentimental stuff about how important it is to her, and how much she really wants us. It doesn't seem that much to ask for.

You know, everything I just said seems horribly familiar...

Protraction

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 02:42:45 -0800

Eh, I'm still awake again, so you get a little update. I really shouldn't be, because I need to be leaving for work by 9, but I just can't sleep. I took today off because I didn't feel well, or at least not well enough to take the stress of running the 'new system', which is what I was supposed to be doing. We trialled it again on Monday, at it was actually all going well, but I had to call it off after an hour because of a small printing bug. I'd been testing the ticket-printing code on my PC using Microsoft's XPS printer driver, but not actually tried a real printer. The difference that caused the problems, is that the XPS printer had hard margins of zero, whereas real printers generally do not. This led to the printable area being calculated wrong, and the output being too wide to fit on the paper. I'd only got two hours sleep that morning and was feeling horrible, so I'm kind of glad it ended so soon. We left about 8pm, and had a couple of drinks in our local on the way home. Though it was nice, it wasn't a great idea considering how tired I was and that I hadn't eaten anything, so I spent the next few hours drunk, the rest of the night depressed, and the morning feeling awful. Our heating had also been broken for a week, so it was freezing cold. Like our shower, which is also broken and cold. I'm guessing today is going to go much the same way.

Regarding work though, there is some good news at least. I can barely believe it happened myself, but... our servers are in a data centre. They're finally safe away from anyone who might like to pull their power, in a rack in a locked cage, connected to a gigabit fibre connection, behind a dedicated firewall, in a fully air-conditioned room. Running fully licensed operating systems. It was so sudden too. After fighting for so long, suddenly it was just... agreed, and happening. And paid for!

Everything else is still the same. I can't stand this.