My friends here I am again with yet another apology. It seems that in the midst of the current economic apocalypse, I had become so wrapped up in trying to watch both the Democrats and the Republicans place blame, I had forgotten just how large a role I had in all this.

First, a little history.

October 9th, 2007. The Dow Jones Industrial reached it's highest (non-inflation adjusted) point ever, somewhere around the 14,000 mark. Everyone is happy. Everyone is excited. Even the beggars are lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills. Needless to say, it's a good time to not only be an investor, but to be an American. We're back in the game, as the saying goes.

Well, with the Dow so ridiculously high, some people who've never before invested in the stock market take a look at such a run and say to themselves, "that's it. This is the year that I finally invest. I want my piece of this American Pie!"

So, they, I mean, me, I mean I, find a broker and with eager hands and dollar signs in my eyes, invest a somewhat significant amount of money into some stock. All I had to do now was sit back and wait. The returns would come rolling in. Do I want the blue yacht or the yellow yacht, I remember thinking to myself.. Hell, with the amount of money I was destined to make, I'll get them both! I'll even get the chopper to fly from one to the other!

Honestly, it couldn't have been more than a day. Perhaps even a few hours after my money was unleashed unto The Market when something strange, but not entirely unpredictable began to happen.

The Market, fresh off it's highest point ever, began to slowly sink. It was not unlike those old episodes of The Price is Right. The Yodeler kept going up, higher and higher, higher and higher, until finally (with my money freshly infused) he reached the point where he could go no further. Pausing if only to offer up but a moment's final hope. Then he, and the Market along with him, came crashing down.

Deeper and deeper it went, soon 14k was gone. 13k, 12k, 11k, gone. All wiped clean. Panic had set it. People were screaming in the streets. Billions of dollars in value erased just like that. Surely, I thought, this is just a bump, a blip, a burp in the system. In a few days everything will capitulate and I'll be back at the Lambo dealer giving an answer on which set of custom leather seats I wanted to go with. Surely, this decline could not, as the analysts were saying, have much more to go before it reached a bottom and began to turn around.

It was somewhere between 8k and 7k that I realized the power that I held over everything. Imagine, I had only put in a small, seemingly insignificant amount of money in the Market. What if I had put in more? Could I bring down the entire planet? Could I, a la Dr. Evil, hold the entire world at bay while the G8 leaders scrambled to meet my demands before I injected another, somewhat more significant amount of money and watched, laughing, while the world's economies all came crashing down around us? It was the perfect plan {insert maniacal laugh}.

What? What's that you say? The worlds economies are crashing down around us? And it's likely that I had nothing to do with it?

Hm. Well. This is going to take some reconsideration.

While I mull this over, here are some helpful stock tips to get you through to the next Bull Market.

1 - Beer Manufacturers - though I prefer a cool Sam Adams, the companies that are going to be doing well are the ones that don't charge too much for their 'product.' Look for your Natty Lights, Pabsts, and Keystones to make a showing. When the economy is in decline, quality and taste soon go with it.

2 - The Essentials - People have to eat. And they have to, uh, you know. Look for companies that make products to take care of both ends.

3 - Low-End Dining - Same theory as #1. For the price of a nice dinner at a decent restaurant somewhere downtown, you could eat for a month at one of the low-end dining houses. And though the food might not be good (or even food), in these tough economic times, we all have to make sacrifices. Besides, tapeworms are more than just a vintage weight loss plan, they're friends, too.

4 - Self-Defense Companies - When the economy goes down, crime goes up. It's Newton's third law, I think. Look for companies that not only manufacture things that shoot, but companies that manufacture things that can be thrown (guns and ammo are expensive, bricks and baseballs are not).

5 - Medical/Pharmaceutical Companies - An obvious choice, no?

6 - Companies that don't have you for an employee - Sitting in the cube, watching the world melt away, it's easy enough to see that, if world leaders and economic theorists can't get it right, the chances of your boss having got it right are pretty slim. If you work there, the writing is on the wall, the company is doomed for collapse. The trick is to find some happy employees, the mysterious minority, and try to get a job with them (or for them). It's an impossibility for sure, but with all the free time you now have, what else is there to do?

7 - Start your own company - People are afraid. And when they're afraid, they'll believe anything. Why not capitalize on that? Starting your own company based on fear, is the perfect (and sadly, recently American) way to earn a living. The trick to all this is to find something the people are afraid of, and combine it with something that'll make them feel as though their do something to help themselves. How about:

Matched 401k Demon-Zombie Removal Service

Sure, demon-zombies don't really exist (outside of Washington), and in a few years, the matched 401k will be a myth too, but when people see you driving down their street in your converted hearse, their fear will kick in. And remember, your job isn't actually removing the Matched 401k Demon-Zombies, it's getting people to believe they exist.

Happy Hunting.

Schell