Posts
FebruaryFeb 7 Saturday 09
The "Everyone's An Asshole" Syndrome
A colleague of mine stirred up some introspection when she told me last night that I had a rage problem. Upon further inspection, I found out how right she was.
When I'm at work, I tend to hit things; boxes of paper towel, the keyboard/DOS computer system, empty crates, …
FebruaryFeb 3 Tuesday 09
The Return Of The Stabbing Pakistani
Refer to this story.
He roams NDG like cholesterol roams in the blood stream, going undetected, causing pain, and clinging to everything in sight. He is the stabbing Pakistani.
In an adorable way, he is like the awkward family member slowly making everybody uncomfortable …
JanuaryJan 27 Tuesday 09
The Canon ES 10 may very well replace children one day
It seems my love of typewriters has caused me to purchase a Canon ES 10. It was sitting on the bottom shelf of the electronics rack at a Value Village, and it needed a home really badly.
This is bad news for the cat, however, as this is one more noise in the apartment …
JanuaryJan 25 Sunday 09
25 Buttons
When I moved out of my house for the first time, I brought with me a collection of buttons that my parents had amassed during their days as active members of the political and businesses communities they occupied. I've since expanded this collection with a few of my …
JanuaryJan 22 Thursday 09
Obaminated
Barack Obama on the television, reassuring the country and being generally amazing.
See? I can make clever headlines, too, in relation to this week's inauguration.
But do we need to be reminded that Barack Obama is a black man? Do we need to meet the American people at a …
JanuaryJan 20 Tuesday 09
Surgery Log - Day 6: Lethal Weapon Marathon
That's right. Back to back Lethal Weapon, 1 through 4, uncut. Good things come to those who undergoe surgery.
The swelling is gradually decreasing, and I'm strating to look more and more like myself again. I would upload some pics, but a) it's too soon and b) i don't …
Surgery Log - Day 8: Ah! Yellow Skin!
I was sort of denying it, but I finally realised that, because of the swelling, my skin is slowly turning yellow. Yup. The doctor said it.
And, today, it was full-blow, puke-yellow.
These are only the swollen parts, so mostly around the lower part of my face. Oddly …
Surgery Log - Day 9: The codeine dream is about baboons
Ever since I got out of the hospital, I've noticed something very strange.
Codeine makes your heart beat really fast and makes you breathe abnormally if you take to much of it. It's an opiate, so it does wonders for pain, but when you're trying to sleep, all it does is …
Surgery Log - Day 10: Maury Povich
So my face is doing really well the swelling is almost gone. I'll be back in Montreal tomorrow, or Saturday at the latest.
This will probably be the last log, at least until my next jaw surgery. WTF? No. Never again.
I'm always bored, so when I'm not watching TV or …
Surgery Log - Day of serious WTF?
So I'm back in Montreal. Things are weird. People at work got fired. Alot of people. People say my face looks different. I have new IKEA furniture. My boombox doesn't work anymore.
Despite all this, it's good to be back.
Surgery Log - Day 18: Stabby McStabberson and other NDG stories
A posse of hoodlums and I were walking along Sherbrooke street on our way to pick up beer when, all of a sudden, this gentleman with rapist glasses and a suitcase approaches us and starts asking strange questions in front of Esposito.
He was from Pakistan and he asked, …
Surgery Log - Day 25: Braces = college degrees
So I'm officially sending my orthodontist's kids to college.
Today was a 5 minute appointment (surrounded by 4 hours of bus to and from Ottawa) where all he did was "observe" my mouth.
$$$
Then I ask: "How many more months until my braces come off?"
"8 months."
$$$$$$$$$$
Surgery Log - Day 45: Cripples Getting Hit By Trains
Here's what happened as I was waiting for the 5:05pm train to Montreal from St. Anne's.
5:04.
A couple (him: jean jacket and wife beater, her: pink sweats and a floral-pattern jacket) rush up the stairs to the opposing train platform.
The man was on crutches and had a a …
Surgery Log - Day 82: Shooting up on the last day of recovery
As things go, yesterday was the official removal day of my cumbrous plastic mouth plate along with all the metal wires that connected it to the screws inside my skull. Yes, this is a fact.
After an intravenous injection the size of small keg, and then, after another one, …
Surgery Log - Day 108: Offensive and blind is the new yogurt lady
Blind people are amazing. Their strength of character is exemplary. For me, losing my ability to process images would be the closest thing to death.
But FUCK this one guy... Among this mass of godly humans, there's one "optically handicapped" person I consider a …
Surgery Log - Day 89: Don't... just don't.
A screenplay dramatizing a conversation I had today:
INT. PHARMAPRIX - DAY
Customer: "Where's your yogurt that's on special?"
Alan: "In the fridge over there..."
Walk over to the fridge.
Customer: "Where are all the other flavors?"
Alan: "We have no more. These are all the …
Update
So I've posted all my surgery logs since late August in the span of 10 minutes. Now I'm going to get good and drunk and try to write something else.
Stuff your turkey and make everyone happy
Hooray! Another Christmas and Boxing Day has come and gone, and in the midst of this post-holiday haze and confusion (like the post-coital bewilderment of a passionate s