Erin and I started the Master Cleanse last night.

The Master Cleanse is a detox diet (see, "fast"). First thing in the morning, I drink a 32 oz salt water flush, which tastes like I am drinking straight from the Dead Sea itself. Two hours after the SWF, I drink a glass of "smoth move" laxative tea, which tastes like a mixture of old oatmeal and cinnamon candles (not just cinnamon...that fake cinnamon smell from cheap kmart candles). Two hours after the laxative tea, I start drinking my 10 glasses of a lemonade mixture that consists of fresh-squeezed lemon, grade-B maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. Two hours before bed, another glass of laxative tea.

No food.
No soda.
No beersies.
Just lemonade.

I haven't had the lemonade mix yet, but the Smooth Move and the salt water are just about the worst things I have ever tasted.

Some guys do 40 days on the Master Cleanse, I however, will be so happy if I make it to day 5. Goal is 7 days, ending just before my possible trip to Pittsburgh.

The "science" behind the Master Cleanse is this. Laxative tea gets things loose inside you. The extra acid (lemons) from the lemonade helps your stomach process. The cayenne pepper rips through all the mucus in your body. Then, while all this gunk is floating around inside you, you hit it with the salt water, which flushes your system. Peter Glickman, who wrote a book about the Master Cleanse, says that 30-45 minutes after you drink the salt water down, you get a serious bowel movement, which he calls "urgent eliminations."



Today I woke up at 6am to drink my salt water with Erin. We both groaned through it, but we drank it down. I went back to sleep until 7:25, when I woke up and got ready. On my way to work I almost doubled over in my car because my insides were killing me! I got here, punched in, ran up stairs, and almost didn't make it to the ceramic throne!

I've since pooped again, making 2 "urgent eliminations" this morning. I'm going to talk about poop for a minute, so if that grosses you out, you might want to skip the next paragraph.

My poop is absolutely nasty. All liquid, dark green in color. It took a while to drop, mostly with a lot of gas (see, toxic) and a little man power (see, heaving.) Once the first chunk was gone, it was like Moses opened the flood gates and the mighty Nile was flowing into my porcelain hopper. Probably one of the most disgusting craps of my entire life. Ten days will be a pain. First session was at 7:40, second session was at 8:05.

So, here's to you, Peter Glickman. Thanks for making my morning...shitty.