Here's what I came up with.

SUNDAY JULY 6:
DRIVE TOWARDS BOSTON

MONDAY JULY 7:
ARRIVE IN BOSTON
]]> Tue, 01 Apr 2008 11:09:07 -0700 http://virb.com/andyclark/posts/text/543326 http://virb.com/andyclark/posts/text/471433 Tue, 19 Feb 2008 08:48:22 -0800 http://virb.com/andyclark/posts/text/471433 http://virb.com/andyclark/posts/text/471432 culture that I've had in some time.

Recently I've built myself a pneumatic rifle that shoots golf balls using air pressure stored in a chamber. With the sidelining of my air pump (it was cheap) - I set out to find a replacement. For some reason, I ended up at Kmart - a store that has been damned by the Clark family for sometime, though on special occasions we've ended up there, mainly when we are looking for an item so unbelievably cheap that no other store would carry it. Today I had a small checklist - air pump, nerf balls, and maybe some entertainment for tonight.

I first wandred into the sporting goods aisle and found the mid range Schwinn air pump. The pump features a metal body, rubber hose, and is rated to 160psi. Wonderful.

My next stop was the golf aisle. Nerf balls were rather expensive ( 5.99$ for 5 ) - so, I figured practice golf balls would do the trick. They were a bit cheaper ( 3.99$ for 6 ), but I'll need to find a way to keep them around, because they are not quite cheap enough to use once.

On my way to the checkout, I spotted "The Jungle Book" Platinum Edition. (remember to see sidenote A at the end of this entry.) I've been waiting for The Jungle Book to come out of the ever mysterious Disney Vault for some time - I knew it had came out Tuesday to DVD nationwide, and had planned to purchase one of my all time favorite movies. For the last month I've been singing the beat boxing King Louie's "I wan'na be like you" in pure excitement for this film.

I grab one off the shelf and head to the checkout queue. Here's where the audacity of my trip begins.

First things first. I was unaware that it takes 2 college girls and one middle aged mom to operate a Kmart cashiers post. I was second in line and I waited 10 minutes to even get to the checkout counter.

After I get to the counter, I smile and do the usual chit-chat that you do with tellers at stores. Karen Z. scans the first of my three items - practice golf balls. $3.99. Check. She scans the second item, The Jungle Book - $19.99. Check. She scans the third item - Schwinn Air Diver 1000. Er...wait.

Karen Z. : "Ummmm...this didn't scan."
College girl #2. : "I think it needs his birth date."
Middle-aged mom: "That's what it's asking for. It needs his birth date."
Karen Z. : "Can I see your drivers license?"
Andy (to Karen Z) : "Sure."
Andy (to c.g.2., with furrowed brow) : "You are carding me for buying 'The Jungle Book'?"
C.g.2. : "I guess."

Do I look 17 years old? I'm almost certain that I look at least 20. But, I'll let the 3 cashiers slide for not guessing my age and blame that on the Kmart higherups who engineered the software on their cashier stations.

Why am I being carded for Walt Disney's The Jungle Book? I mean, honestly. The Jungle Book is rated G for General Audiences - all ages admitted. I understand being carded for being under 18 and buying an album that has Parental Advisory stamped all over it. I understand carding me when I purchase a 6 pack of Blue Moon. Both things considered - there should be no problem buying the 2-dvd set of Walt Disney's creation of Rudyard Kipling's collection of stories.

My name is Andrew Clark, and I've been carded to buy a toddler's movie.





Sidenote A: Mom recently called me and said she has the greatest surprise of all time in the mail. Walking out to my car from Kmart, I put two-and-two together and thought to myself..."mom probably sent me the jungle book." If that's the case, I'm sorry mommy. I'll take my version back. Ha.]]> Tue, 19 Feb 2008 08:48:22 -0800 http://virb.com/andyclark/posts/text/471432 http://virb.com/andyclark/posts/text/471431
The Master Cleanse is a detox diet (see, "fast"). First thing in the morning, I drink a 32 oz salt water flush, which tastes like I am drinking straight from the Dead Sea itself. Two hours after the SWF, I drink a glass of "smoth move" laxative tea, which tastes like a mixture of old oatmeal and cinnamon candles (not just cinnamon...that fake cinnamon smell from cheap kmart candles). Two hours after the laxative tea, I start drinking my 10 glasses of a lemonade mixture that consists of fresh-squeezed lemon, grade-B maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. Two hours before bed, another glass of laxative tea.

No food.
No soda.
No beersies.
Just lemonade.

I haven't had the lemonade mix yet, but the Smooth Move and the salt water are just about the worst things I have ever tasted.

Some guys do 40 days on the Master Cleanse, I however, will be so happy if I make it to day 5. Goal is 7 days, ending just before my possible trip to Pittsburgh.

The "science" behind the Master Cleanse is this. Laxative tea gets things loose inside you. The extra acid (lemons) from the lemonade helps your stomach process. The cayenne pepper rips through all the mucus in your body. Then, while all this gunk is floating around inside you, you hit it with the salt water, which flushes your system. Peter Glickman, who wrote a book about the Master Cleanse, says that 30-45 minutes after you drink the salt water down, you get a serious bowel movement, which he calls "urgent eliminations."



Today I woke up at 6am to drink my salt water with Erin. We both groaned through it, but we drank it down. I went back to sleep until 7:25, when I woke up and got ready. On my way to work I almost doubled over in my car because my insides were killing me! I got here, punched in, ran up stairs, and almost didn't make it to the ceramic throne!

I've since pooped again, making 2 "urgent eliminations" this morning. I'm going to talk about poop for a minute, so if that grosses you out, you might want to skip the next paragraph.

My poop is absolutely nasty. All liquid, dark green in color. It took a while to drop, mostly with a lot of gas (see, toxic) and a little man power (see, heaving.) Once the first chunk was gone, it was like Moses opened the flood gates and the mighty Nile was flowing into my porcelain hopper. Probably one of the most disgusting craps of my entire life. Ten days will be a pain. First session was at 7:40, second session was at 8:05.

So, here's to you, Peter Glickman. Thanks for making my morning...shitty.]]> Tue, 19 Feb 2008 08:48:21 -0800 http://virb.com/andyclark/posts/text/471431