i don't want to be here. i am never satisfied. i tried really hard to come to work with a good attitude and all. but church yesterday was .... the worship, the videos, the stories, the significance of reaching out. "You said, the harvest is here, the kingdom is near, You said, ask and I'll give the nations to you, O Lord, that's the cry of my heart, distant shores and the islands will see as it rises on us."

I think God is stirring my heart. and I don't know if I can hear him. Is he speaking? Am I listening? I'm trying.

We have international students here and I loved it. I loved connecting and being a blessing to them. I love culture. I grew up overseas, but missions has never been something I wanted to do. Be a part of, yes, go, no. I mean, I've already been there, done that, right? I have not been in Indonesia for ten years, in just a few months. Hard to believe. Language is pretty easy for me. Probably cause my parents are linguists.

This verse has been on my mind the past week. 1 cor 7:34. this is the short version. a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit.1 Cor 7:34 (nlt)

the longer message version
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions. 1 Cor 7:32-35 (The Message)

So I'm single and I can devote everything to the Lord. What do I do with that?

I have a lot of scattered thoughts right now as I seek after God and listen for his voice and process my thoughts and such.

Brooke Fraser has a song called CS Lewis Song. In the first verse she gets straight to the point. "I can only conclude that I, I was not made for here." The bridge is powerful as she sings that we are meant to live, to love, to know God. The words to this song do not do it justice. The melody, the whole song is a whole, and you must find it and listen to it. Heck, just go buy the whole album. It is worth every penny.

She sings,
C.S. Lewis Song (Album Version)

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary
Then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

CHORUS
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found,
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me,
Is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?

`Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
Of who I was born to become

CHORUS

Bridge
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath
So we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you

Hope is coming for me

CHORUS

Copyright Brooke Fraser