Sometimes being in love can be the most painful thing.

You need to be honest with the one you love and also with yourself. Tonight, honesty waltzed in with pain.

Back in January a situation came up that strained the relationship between my girlfriend and I. After several days of talking I asked a huge question about how she saw me in this relationship. She paused, and then answered. The response floored me, as it was not the answer I was expecting.

My friends told me I should have ended it then. In my mind I could not do it. I loved her. In my heart I knew things were heading south...but I let me mind take the lead. In my mind things were fine again between us.

So in the last month and a half I have been more or less on auto pilot with her. She noticed that I have not been totally in this relationship. Last night she called me on it. Today, after looking back on things, I knew that in that moment in January I left the relationship. It hurt to think about it. It hurt to realize that the relationship was over...as least on my end. I was going to sleep on it (as if I had not done enough sleeping...I am exhausted from rugby practice, 2 days of birthday parties, a rugby game and softball practice in the last 72 hours) and talk to her tomorrow.

She called tonight and we talked more. She wanted to get together for my birthday but I told her I had made other plans. It was then that I think she began to understand where I was going with the conversation. I brought up that January conversation and let her know where I was in my heart.

Long story short, the conversation finished with me ending it.

My timing is once again impecable. I am single, just before my birthday. What should have been a fun, enjoyable day (I have it off) is now going to be spent ruminating about things...and in the end will result in me having a little pitty party on top of it all.

Well...I am having a little soiree at Jillian's @ Lake Union on my birthday. I plan on getting more than a little drunk that night. Hell...I am off Wednesday too...so I do not need to go into work. I can have the hangover from hell and not have to worry about a damn thing.

Until then...I just have to get through Monday. Finish work, go watch Rugby with the Mudhens at the Kangarro & Kiwi and then head home. No more work until the following Monday. At least I will not have to work while this wound is still fresh.

Oh...and while I know it says I am listening to "Don't Look Back" from AR...I have also been listening to this catchy, yet somewhat annoying J-Pop song "Heavenly Star" from Genki Rockets too...and I cannot get it out og my freaking head. UGH!!!