I woke up angry today. Super angry. There are many reasons, a couple of which I will go into. I got paid yesterday, a paycheck and a financial aid check, but I wasn't able to pick them up because I left super early for my internship, and now I can't get them until TUESDAY. I thought the office would be open today. So here goes ANOTHER weekend of being broke.

I want a cigarette, a fricking beer, clean laundry, bus money, hairspray and feminine products, but I just have to wait. Can't go anywhere. Usually not having money doesn't make me this angry, but I only have three more weekends after this one to hang out with my Long Beach friends. And it's so HOT out. And I'm so ALONE all the time. I'm driving myself crazy and my hair is flat. But at least the free clothes are beginning to pour in from Eva Franco. So sweet.

Oh, Courtney, Eva Franco just sold some stuff to Anthropologie. Do you still work there? You should watch for it.

Gosh, the moments right before a major life transition are maddening, aren't they? I can't sleep; it's all I can think about. I'm sad, I'm anticipating, I'm stressed out.

I saw a baby possum on campus today. It was unusually bold for what I think a baby possum would be, just struttin' around campus carrying a peach pit in its little mouth. So cute. It made me think of the time in the convent when Kellie saw a possum staring at her through the basement window and we went down there with, like, a broomstick or something to try to find it. I don't remember exactly what happened. Man, roommates+wild animals=a good time. Matt and Lindsay, remember the bat? HA! I bet it was actually Uncle Bob-turned-bat to spy and see if we had more than two people per day using the shower.

I miss how I used to be. I don't know how to explain that.

I had an intense dream the other night. There was this girl named Karen who attended the Boys & Girls Club when I worked there. (not the dream yet.) She was six years old and for some reason none of the other kids liked her. I'm not sure why some kids are singled out to be made fun of; she didn't seem to have anything wrong with her. (there was a rumor circulating that she had punched a classmate in the face once, ha!) She came to the program sometimes with bruises; I don't know why, but I could guess. She was the sweetest, most beautiful girl there. She would just cling to me and say, "I love you, Ms. Carolyn." I haven't seen her in over a year, and the other night I had this dream about her...

A bunch of us were hanging out in the garage of my old house in Zeeland and there was a crazy tornado coming straight for us. Everyone was frantically looking around for something to grab onto so they wouldn't blow away, and Karen grabbed my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said, "Ms. Carolyn, hold on to my hands and don't let go." There were tears in her eyes and she looked so scared. I grabbed her hands and we just looked at each other, waiting for the tornando to hit. When it did, we were blown out of the garage and up into the funnel. Our bodies were getting pummeled with debris as we swirled around and around. I was holding onto her hands so tight, and we were still, the whole time, staring into each other's eyes. The tornado moved on and we landed. Karen threw her arms around me, sobbing, and saying "Ms. Carolyn, you didn't let go, you didn't let go." And looking at me like no one in her life had ever cared enough about her to hold on to her. I felt like I was her mother and she was my daughter.

That dream has been haunting me. I don't know if I should go back and try to find her before I leave. I guess I'll have to wait until I have bus money.