Carolyn

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 16:33:31 -0700

I'm not posing..I'm pondering the surf.

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 16:33:08 -0700

I'm sure Frank's being a dick and I don't know what else to do but laugh.

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 17:40:21 -0700

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 16:25:23 -0700

I love Jen!

Mon, 21 May 2007 13:54:59 -0700

ya know, bro-ing down at UCSB

Mon, 21 May 2007 13:54:15 -0700

One of my better outfits.

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 19:13:39 -0700

D.U.N.

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 21:23:04 -0700

How we feel about each other.

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 21:22:53 -0700

bffz

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 18:03:04 -0700

Human Instinct and Cold Tolerance

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 16:01:28 -0800

Is it a human instinct to eat more when winter is approaching? I think it must be, because I've been eating scary amounts of food lately. (#32 on the How to Stay Single List: Saying that.) Isn't it dogs that would eat until they died if enough food was in front of them? I heard that once. I think I can relate. With the oncoming winter, my first in two years, I've set up a cold tolerance regimen. It's a theory I've been turning over in my head for a number of years that if I expose myself to cold in certain ways and often enough, I will no longer feel cold EVER. I'm doing several things to accomplish this: 1-Switching the water from very hot to very cold several times during my showers. (Kellie's idea.. I love it.) It's exhilarating. I wish I could video tape the look on my face and the jerky movements of my body when freezing cold water washes over me. I think it's probably really funny. 2-Riding my bike at five o'clock in the morning. (My bike is so PIMP!) 3-Jumping into Lake Michigan. I did it a few weeks ago. So awesome. 4-Not wearing a jacket. Whenever I'm cold, I just try to feel it, accept it, and concentrate on not letting it bother me. Because of course I'm not going to not be cold; my goal is just to not let it get to me. I learned this from a book by Tom Brown Jr., one of my favorite authors that my dad introduced me to when I was younger. Tom grew up in the pine barrens of New Jersey and learned wilderness survival and tracking from an old Indian man, his best friend's grandfather. He once brought the two boys far into the woods during a blizzard, took their clothes from them, and made them find their way back. After much suffering, they conquered their coldness, came home, and rolled around in their underwear, laughing, in the snow. Pretty soon you guys will see me in a lounge chair on the porch in the dead of winter, drinking iced tea and smoking a cigarette in shorts and a t shirt. My phone service has been restored after several weeks of disconnectedness from the world. Someday I'll have my shit together and will pay my phone bill on time. (ha!). I got a job at Starbucks. I work at the one in the Gaslight Village D&W with Denielle and Zach. It's pretty fun. Come in sometime, do your grocery shopping, and make fun of my khaki pants and hat. I'll give you a Starbucks coupon. George just set up a g-rad blog for me, so I'll soon be switching over. I need help setting up the design of my page. If anyone knows how to do that and has a computer, can I come over? I'll bring beer and be very thankful. OH! Who has cable? Anyone? I need to watch the season 4 premiere of "Project Runway" on Wednesday at 10pm. I SERIOUSLY need to, guys. Let me know. And I want to be included when you guys do stuff, so call me.

I missed having a bike.

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 22:16:41 -0700

I'm doing some hxc chilling out in Holland this week. I'm using my step-madre's bike to build up some endurance for the hilly Grand Rapids terrain. I rode all over GR a couple days ago applying for jobs, having dinner with Denielle, hanging at the Nest, and going bowling, and I paid for it that night and the next day with searing, rip-roaring pain in my thighs. Couldn't sleep, couldn't move, couldn't not move. Sang gave me a vicodin yesterday and it eased the pain for a while. And I just got back from hours of riding..from my dad's house to downtown Holland to Zeeland High School and back. It was so dark the last couple hours that I just hoped I didn't run into anything and braced myself for potholes and possums that didn't exist. I missed having a bike. I'll be back in town around friday or so. I will most likely be staying in Luke's room at the Cadwell house while he's on tour and until my room in Skyler/Greg's frees up around the 10th. Reality tv calls.

Keeper of the Clocks

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:55:08 -0700

I'm hanging out at my mom and step-dad's house in Whitehall and it is beautiful. This house is so comfortable. Mike is a clock repair-man, so every hour we hear all kinds of clucking and coo-cooing and ringing and dinging. It's magical. Hallie and I have just been relaxing in the air conditioning and watching "Life in the Fab Lane" with Kimora Lee Simmons. (Fascinating.) Steph and Hallie and I went swimming in Lake Michigan yesterday and it was everything. I mean, it was just everything. I really missed this state. I'll be here until around Wednesday or so and then I'll be back in GR. Call me, really. I don't have a job yet and I want to see you. I'm sort of squatting at Greg/Skyler/Dave's until Dave gets hitched next month and I can take over his room. If anyone else has a couch or a double bed and would let me sleep over once or twice, I would be ever so grateful. I offer my cleaning skillz, my company, and beer if you want it. It will be like I'm not even there, except that I will be there. Matt M., I am so sorry for not knowing who you were for a full thirty seconds, even after you told me. In my defense, I know another Matt from Oakland, CA and I had just woken up and was confused. I will call you when I get back into town and we will drink Tecate and eat pizza. Or something. Hallie will only be in town until this weekend. Seems I whisked her away a little too quickly. Whoops. Hopefully y'all can spend some time with her before she leaves me. -C

The GNW.

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 20:21:15 -0700

Steph and I are wrapping up our epic feminist road trip/vacation in a couple of days. We're in Olympia now hanging with my sissss'. Oh friends, it has been so beautiful. Pictures are on Steph's flickr. www.flickr.com/photos/janesaw. I'm bringing a surprise back to Grand Rapids and HER NAME IS HALLIE. We met at Brooks College and fell in love last summer. I'm so excited for her to be a part of our lives back at the homestead. She's my bessssst frieeeend and I know you will all welcome her with open beer bottles. I'll just tell y'all things when I get home on Friday, cuz I forgot how to write. Peace out.

D.U.N.

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 05:09:27 -0700

I'm done with school. I'm tired and cranky and mourning the loss of my beloved Long Beach. I am also excited for the next couple weeks of traveling with Steph and Jen. We're in San Francisco getting ready for bed at Jen's friend's house. I kind of really want to cry and smoke a cigarette, but I'm trying to quit smoking. Blogging has not been easy for me for the past few weeks. There's too much. I haven't been able to express myself at all, in any way. The past two days were so relaxing and good for my soul. We spent them with my friend Frank, who over the last couple of weeks has become one of the best friends I could ask for. He picked up all my shit in his truck and put it in his garage. Then Steph and I packed boxes for shipping while he made us an amazing dinner. Then my favorite bar for the last time and an amazing dance party followed by a slumber party. Oh man, so good. It's crazy seeing Steph's face at all the spots I've been hanging out at for the past two years. Tomorrow we go to LAKE TAHOE. I'm excited, but I'm kind of afraid of myself right now. I want to be a good travel companion, but these damn nicotine cravings and my life being so up in the air right now have got me all crazy-feeling. Denielle, keep us posted about the Riley baby. I have to go to sleep. See you all soon.

I woke up today angry.

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 20:28:39 -0700

I woke up angry today. Super angry. There are many reasons, a couple of which I will go into. I got paid yesterday, a paycheck and a financial aid check, but I wasn't able to pick them up because I left super early for my internship, and now I can't get them until TUESDAY. I thought the office would be open today. So here goes ANOTHER weekend of being broke. I want a cigarette, a fricking beer, clean laundry, bus money, hairspray and feminine products, but I just have to wait. Can't go anywhere. Usually not having money doesn't make me this angry, but I only have three more weekends after this one to hang out with my Long Beach friends. And it's so HOT out. And I'm so ALONE all the time. I'm driving myself crazy and my hair is flat. But at least the free clothes are beginning to pour in from Eva Franco. So sweet. Oh, Courtney, Eva Franco just sold some stuff to Anthropologie. Do you still work there? You should watch for it. Gosh, the moments right before a major life transition are maddening, aren't they? I can't sleep; it's all I can think about. I'm sad, I'm anticipating, I'm stressed out. I saw a baby possum on campus today. It was unusually bold for what I think a baby possum would be, just struttin' around campus carrying a peach pit in its little mouth. So cute. It made me think of the time in the convent when Kellie saw a possum staring at her through the basement window and we went down there with, like, a broomstick or something to try to find it. I don't remember exactly what happened. Man, roommates+wild animals=a good time. Matt and Lindsay, remember the bat? HA! I bet it was actually Uncle Bob-turned-bat to spy and see if we had more than two people per day using the shower. I miss how I used to be. I don't know how to explain that. I had an intense dream the other night. There was this girl named Karen who attended the Boys & Girls Club when I worked there. (not the dream yet.) She was six years old and for some reason none of the other kids liked her. I'm not sure why some kids are singled out to be made fun of; she didn't seem to have anything wrong with her. (there was a rumor circulating that she had punched a classmate in the face once, ha!) She came to the program sometimes with bruises; I don't know why, but I could guess. She was the sweetest, most beautiful girl there. She would just cling to me and say, "I love you, Ms. Carolyn." I haven't seen her in over a year, and the other night I had this dream about her... A bunch of us were hanging out in the garage of my old house in Zeeland and there was a crazy tornado coming straight for us. Everyone was frantically looking around for something to grab onto so they wouldn't blow away, and Karen grabbed my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said, "Ms. Carolyn, hold on to my hands and don't let go." There were tears in her eyes and she looked so scared. I grabbed her hands and we just looked at each other, waiting for the tornando to hit. When it did, we were blown out of the garage and up into the funnel. Our bodies were getting pummeled with debris as we swirled around and around. I was holding onto her hands so tight, and we were still, the whole time, staring into each other's eyes. The tornado moved on and we landed. Karen threw her arms around me, sobbing, and saying "Ms. Carolyn, you didn't let go, you didn't let go." And looking at me like no one in her life had ever cared enough about her to hold on to her. I felt like I was her mother and she was my daughter. That dream has been haunting me. I don't know if I should go back and try to find her before I leave. I guess I'll have to wait until I have bus money.

KILLTHE MINOTAUR!

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 00:56:41 -0700

KILL THE MINOTAUR!

Shame spiral.

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 20:59:04 -0700

Is it normal to be scared of EVERYTHING? And to not have the energy to do ANYTHING? I feel like every time I try to talk to someone about what I'm feeling, they're like, "Oh, boo to you for being sad." I DON'T want to feel sorry for myself and I DO want to get over it, but it's been going on for so long. It's hard to answer my phone, it's hard to go to my internship, it's hard to manage my money, it's hard to interact with people. Sometimes it's even hard to lift an arm or breathe. I'm already a fuck-up at my internship. I've been not showing up when I say I will, and then telling everyone, "Oh, it's going fine," when they ask because I don't have the energy to explain why even the thought of going is debilitating. I'm so scared of it. I've never been this scared of something. I don't know what it is. It's not even a big deal when I look at it objectively, but I'm so caught up in a shameful insecurity spiral that I can't. Guilt and shame: the main themes in my life right now. Does anyone else struggle with these things? I mean, obviously I'm not going to flatter myself by saying I'm the only person who ever has insecurity, depression, and fear, but I feel like no one talks about it. To put it a Christian way, I feel like I'm living in darkness. To put it in an even more Christian way... How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; Sorry for being dramatic, ha.

Today was weird.

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 23:35:23 -0700

"I think that those of us who love a good story want our lives to be a good story. Your life is neither going in the toilet, or shooting to the moon. It's a life to be lived, and that's all. And that's enough, you know? I give you permission to not live a perfect life, or even a particularly dramatic one. Most people's lives aren't that way anyway. They're a hodgepodge of little moments, lots of them dull. It's really quite a gift to be able to see the coolness of non-dramatic moments. " ~My Dad, in response to my last blahg. I think he hit the nail on the head. I think the reason I'm bummed out is because I feel like there's nothing in my life to feel exhilaration about, so in order to feel SOMETHING, I feel shitty about myself. And when there's no one around to be angry at, I do things that make me angry at myself. The one thing I can't seem to get a grasp on is being happy with myself. It's easier to screw up all the time and beat yourself up. It feels way more dramatic to be in my room at night, lonely and crying than to live a perfectly normal day. Today was WEIRD. I hung out with Jen Fodor all day, and we both agree that it was weird. We were trying to pretend to have a good time, but at the end of it all, we were just like, "Um, today was really awkward and I feel really weird about it." It was good to admit that. It started with lunch with Jen's roommate and her friend. We tried to make casual conversation, but we all knew it was kind of awkward. Then we went for a hike at Runyon Canyon(?), and it wasn't all that great. It was hot and dusty, no shade, lots of hills. Then some other stuff happened that included lots of driving around and hanging out with people we didn't know very well at all. As we got back into West LA, there was a purple haze coming over the mountains and we thought it was the end of the world. That was right after a long silence and one of us saying, "Um yeah, today was really weird." I know I keep using the word "weird," but it's the only word I can think of to describe how it was. Anyway, we're going to a major rager in LB tonight that I'm looking forward to, so hopefully I can just have a few beers and chill out. Eight weeks left of school. Crazy. Stephanie is coming to "pick me up" and we're going to rent a car and head up the coast to Washington (possibly with Fodor, who would fly back to the abyss from there), then take the train back to MI. Guys, I'm SO EXCITED. We should be back to the homeland sometime in the first few days of rocktober. I need to go shower and wash the day off so I can start anew.

All the right ingredients, and I can't make a dish.

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 01:51:11 -0700

You guys, today was a really good hair day for me and all I've done is bum around campus and go to class for a couple hours. I don't feel like I'm ready to sleep on it yet. It's just a shame to waste a good hair day, ya know? Who knows when I'll get another one. I made a friend yesterday who reminds me so much of Bethany. You guys remember Bethany. I think Alejandra and I are going to be good buddies. She came in for tutoring yesterday and there were immediately fireworks and angels everywhere. Within the first ten minutes she looked at me real hard and said, "Girl, you're going somewhere; I can see it. You just need to believe in yourself." The next five hours and fifty minutes were filled with much-needed encouraging and enlightening conversation. Then today we sat in the "quad" for two hours bumming cigarettes off foreign teenagers and not really talking at all. It was nice. My internship is hard and scary. I had a great weekend with Jen, Matt, Patrick and Andrew. A couple shows, the beach, O Red Mango, zines, beer, the best pizza in the country, etc...It was nice. Them boys be hilarious. I have all the ingredients for a really fulfilling life right in front of me, but for some reason I can't make a dish out of them. I just keep thinking, "I should be having a lot of fun right now. This would be a really great day if...what?" I don't know what it is that's bumming me out. Matt caught me crying for no reason the other night. Just watching people play music, drinking a beer, friendly people all around...tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat? I want answers! "What I've got, they used to call the blues. Nothin' is really wrong...feelin' like I don't belong. Walkin' around, some kind of lonely clown..." ~Karen Carpenter. Boy, was she depressed. I want to come hooooooooooome. I was standing on the corner of 7th and Spring after my internship, waiting for Fodor to come pick me up on friday, and people kept walking up to me, really concerned, and asking me if I was ok. Then one guy asked me if I was homeless. Can't a girl just hang out on the street corner? (I should've gotten a dollar from that guy..I didn't think of that at the time.) Los Angeles is hot and big and dirty and it's sucking the life out of me. Peace out.