I have become a cynic.
I look at the world with utter dissatisfaction at the human condition and contribute by continuing on in my lazy, self-absorbed life. It is as though my body experiences these daily ventures and my mind observes, re-hashes, then falls into the background as I sleep off another selfish day. I am a hypocrite. I have used Jesus to further myself, bragging of my accomplishments in His name. I have condemned others in self-righteousness. I seek excitement and new love as I run from what I have out of dissatisfaction with who I am. With the hope of feeling something. I hate complaining. I hate flirting. Coarse joking, unfaithful hearts, immoral thoughts. I am guilty of all of this. My life does not reflect my hearts desire. I cry now from guilt and shame. From fear. I want to change, and need God's help, but I fear I don't want it bad enough and this makes me sick. I can't understand the concepts of love and humility. I look at these as foreign ideals impossible to put into practice. How have I become so hard, so calloused to the holy life I am called to live. No part of me is reluctant to share my faith out of fear or ridicule or disapproval. It is only out of my own doubt and self-absorption. I know so little about life. I obsess over physical matters because I am overwhelmed by spiritual. At least physical things I can control.