it was lovely to escape the office early yesterday, on a wonderful pre-spring day, even if only to walk downtown to go to the dentist (ugh). i decided to take my pencam and oh my was Penelope ever delighted about the excursion. she is so good at sky and the clouds were amazing. now i have many of them to use for texture layers, etc. tree branches, too. just what i had been wishing for. photoshop clouds are rather disgusting. sadly, i am afraid Penelope may be near death. she has had a wonderful life and Jim, if you are still out there, i still thank you every time i carry her. despite the irritating BEEP, she is a grand companion! she is now sucking the life out of her batteries too quickly, then dying ... then beeping dramatically. but i'll keep her breathing as long as possible.

even though i seem to be only interested and capable of making images lately, i *did* finish yet another empty and meaningless book last night. the stack is growing. i don't have a clue what to do with them, how to fill them with content - what. they seem so foolish. i wish i could stop.

hurry 5. i don't want to be here.

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a wondrous adventure to a most otherWorldly place.
(each image clicks to a separate set of images for your viewing pleasure!)

last Sunday i had the opportunity to explore an amazing brandNew area (for me) - one that i had been warned was "too dangerous" and i had never been able to find, even when i was feeling brave and rebellious. i was accompanied, so don't worry! (even though it didn't feel a bit creepy) i was completely enchanted. my imagination was in overdrive and by the end of a few hours, my eyeballs were literally aching. i think i may be reaching the end of making images that are purely glamorized documentations. this place made me long for more movement, more habitation - fragmentary and sheer people, garments and cloth, tiny elephants - something. i wanted to make visual stories. somehow.

i'm pretty sure i want to live there, in the Bottoms, in Kansas City. oh no. i'm not kidding.

next step. going IN.

no doubt. the most Dam Fine weekend would be the one wherein one sits in a raggedy flannel nightgown at the end of it - with a glass of cheap red wine. the cat licking with relief at your presence. finally. with eyes near bleeding and bursting from the sights. with heart, mind and sensibilities cracked open. joyfully.

(drums in the park. birds fly away. trains clanking. dog-sized pigeons)

with no clean underwear for Monday morning. no soup frozen to take to the office for lunch (office?? huh??). carpet rather unclean. even sheets, my god. and unremembered dishes in the sink. only a vision of pale floating curtains from the deteriorated windowsills of an abandoned factory. candles somewhere. a plastic stackable chair on the dock. golden fish in the pond. a light laughing on the wind.

i have been to the city.

and it was good.

trying to uplift my mood. it is such a day that given the choice between doing the legitimate wrist-slitting project on my desk or doing a meme, i chose the meme as the lesser of two evils. yes! i'm not kidding. don't worry. it won't be here. facebook is my victim. it was actually sort of fun. such self-absorption to do one of those things though.

now can i go home? please????

the other thing i did yesterday H E R E
i rather love these.

i was going out yet again today, to see what i would find. but it is not as lovely or warm as yesterday and by the time laundry was done and this and that, i had an agoraphobic attack and was disinclined to force myself. so instead i will stay in with my oh-so-cozy Uggs and my clean hair and make soup and complete the other part of my weekend vow, which was to mess up the artTable. then i will listen to idiots screech about the stuporBowl all over the apartment complex and hope no one throws up on my porch.

NO GARAGES OR FUNKY LITTLE HOUSES!

i *can* make pictures of other things.

see?

(there are also more. in progress. the River...)

this weekend is supposed to be beautiful and even ... warm! ... possibly 60 degrees. it turned out to be not a wise weekend to have a car (economic difficulties) so i must stay in town with the same old things. however... i am going to go out with Aretha and i am going to make pictures of things that are not sheds or garages. i am going to attempt to avoid architecture altogether.

it is going to be a very hard project for me.

but i am determined.

i am also going to get my artTable messy.

. . . . . . .

. . . . . . .

i like these.
three white sheds in winter
biggR on flickR

i'm still around. it's still winter. a rough one for me. filled with confusion, regret, wonder and a mild depression. the artTable remains terrifyingly tidy. i try to amuse and comfort myself with social activities that make me feel more an alien than ever. i read and read and read. i try not to eat white food. and yes, i still walk around and make pictures of ... structures ... 18 degrees or not. yesterday i tried hard to See Things other than sheds and mean places, but somehow crusty snow, dead leaves and little burrs and berries on the ground just weren't working for me.

i *am* grateful the pictures are working at least - and though viewers might be, i am not bored with my subject matter. i don't know why. i am concerned about the lack of inspiration and energy for handwork however, because i need to have happy hands. happy hands = happy heart at my house. and babyjebus do i ever need some happiness in my heart these days. i did wear red kneehighs and red panties for Chinese New Year however. and that makes some happiness *somewhere* inside.

onward...

i guess these are my last Texas photos for now. maybe a few random ones. and some family ones that i will play with and save, of course. now what? more sheds? more Mean Little Places? more textures? hmmmm. i don't think i've made any snow pictures yet this year. i need a project. i'm not sure what it shall be. but i'm thinking ...

this image has pretty much to do with nothing. except for the fact that it was made Today.
a good day.

all weekend i worked inside, doing house things that needed doing. things ignored since before the christmas escape. one small and pleasant outing kept me from complete agoraphobia. seriously, i couldn't believe i was staying IN on such pretty days, but ... duty calls? it seemed the right time to do my year-ending/beginning rituals, since i was away at the ending/beginning. so i cleaned, tossed and sorted. i tried to catch up on both emotional and physical things. i finished the KCW Directory! (oh. finally...) i said truths. and i slept.

today - a holiday! meaning no fluorescent prison! - the artTable in nighties with coffee is always a good start. then i walked downtown with the JamCam dangling and met Traci for lunch and catch-up time, tried to buy new panties at Weaver's but became far too frustrated, bought some little groceries at The Casbah then walked home. since then i have been in the process of completion of my 2008 journal, of which i have never showed one page, have i? well... now it is done, some of it in retrospect, of course. i played all of the CD's that the girls and Andrew made for me in Austin, i didn't cry over that one song that i told Betsy i would, but i have waited two weeks, so ... safer ... then cleaned off the artTable and readied it for ... ?? ... the new year at least. it feels good. i feel like i have let go lots of ugly things (within) from the last months. i am more clear and more hopeful. less frozen. less dead.

today is my new year's day.

onward.

on the last day of the year 2008 i woke much earlier than the other occupants of the house in Austin i was staying in (of course). i took my newcam, Aretha, and a few dollars in my pocket and drove (the Texas way!) a few blocks to Jo's on South Congress for my morning coffee. it was too early for hipsters, instead there were homeless folks, people awaiting the bus to go to work and a few people my age, all sitting like sunflowers with our faces in the rising sun and the grackles cackling at our feet. damn i love grackles.

when the coffee was at a manageable level for walking, i began to wander and shoot. there were FLOWERS - sweetpeas in December. i could not have been more delighted. everything looked beautiful to me. it was warm.

lastly, i stopped in Texas French Bread and the darling tiny market, Farm to Market to procure breakfast breads and juice for my loved ones, still sleeping - Betsy, Margaret and Andrew. i felt the greatest happiness.

of course they didn't wake for hours still, so i sat in the yard in a wicker chair under large live oaks and read a book. the dog kept me company. we ate some of the bread. sometimes he barked at squirrels. it was a wonderful morning.

more and more i forgive Texas many things - even the obsessive Car Culture - because of the live oaks. i adore them.

of course there are more photos here

more images : fredericksburg texas : christmas evening
no large Texas vehicles, no tourists, quiet, warm, sweet.
H E R E ]]> Tue, 13 Jan 2009 07:36:32 -0800 http://virb.com/cobaltika/posts/text/1029551 http://virb.com/cobaltika/posts/text/1019668

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the images begin! ... #1 hico texas ... H E R E

because of my weather terror, inducing me to leave on Tuesday night, rather than wait until Wednesday morning, i had a head start - and allowed myself the luxury of making TWO. yes. TWO. photo stops on the way to Fredericksburg TX. one at the Baker Hotel in Mineral Wells (most of the images are oddly over-exposed), one in the tiny town of Hico Texas. it was WONDERFUL!! i hope you will go see, too.

well then. i guess i am returned.
it was a very good trip, despite two bouts of illness, one still lingering. not bad enough to slow me down, of course. the best was being with family - EVERYONE - and being WARM. and laughing hard with my girls. sure there were some pictures made, but they are not too inspired. i expect to make a little magic happen though, with some of them. i was a total pussy about the weather, leaving in the night, trying to escape. but it was not bad. all was well. thank you babyjebus.

and so another year ends. it was a rather bad one, despite trying to keep up a good appearance. too much sadness and loss. too much change and failure. stress. frustration. anger. very awful, to be honest.

at this exact moment, i do not see joy ahead.

but i always hope. like a silly child.

[december views]

as it turns out, this thing of sharing photos more than words has served me well this month, as i might have too many sad words to share. the unexpected loss of a very dear friend, the loss of a job (one of them - and yes, i need more than one), the bleakness of winter so far, the artBlockage, loneliness. but time moves on. next week i will go to spend a nice long holiday in Texas with all my family and MY GIRLIES and perhaps there will even be sun and warmth. then i will come home and it will be New Year, my favorite time of the year. a hopeful time.

[december views]

i'm famous!!! oh!

and what a GREAT tale to go with it!

not today : of course : everything is covered in snow now : but then : the green garage

[december views]