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    <title>C the Gray</title>
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    <description><![CDATA[Guitar.  Talking to kids.  Helping people.  Listening to good stories.  Physical Comedy.  Laughing until you cry.  Roads.  Red Trucks and Subaru Bajas. Trying to listen.  Being a man and not a male.  Tradition and the breaking thereof.  Tradition and the keeping thereof.  Communication with out Vocalization.  Big Beards.  Dispensation.  Hose pipes.  Quadruplets.  Final Fantasy VII & VIII.  The numbers 3, 7, 9, 12, and 14.  Bradley Hathaway.  Screamo bands.  Josh Taylor.  Zero.  "You can't do that", "You wouldn't do that".  Fender amps.  Learning new instruments.  Old pants.  New Shirts.  II Corinthians 12:9.  Engines.  Foolish Acts.  Righteous Acts.  Filthy Rags.  The shoulder to lean on.  Fingernails. Restoration.  Long hair.  The Kingdom of God.  The Kingdom of Man.  The Kingdom of Self.  Eyes.  Rules.  GRACE.  Cadburry Eggs.  Sands.  Time.  Green.  People who believe in Luck.  Music.  Allergies.  Exclusion.  Graduating Early.  3.6=S.  Belief.  Refuge.  Seeing to it that beards get the respect they command.   Violence.  Peace.  Vows.  The Church.  Trying to be like Jesus. ]]></description>
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      <pubDate>Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:20:12 -0700</pubDate>
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      <pubDate>Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:12:39 -0700</pubDate>
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      <title>The Man I Thought I Once Knew...Or...Am I?</title>
      <link>http://virb.com/cthegray/posts/text/770452</link>
      <description><![CDATA[Jesus. Savior. Immanuel. God with Us. 

Prayers. Tears. Joy. Pain. 

Regret. Poverty--Loneliness. Remorse.

A man died on a cross to save you from your sins. 

Since I was a boy, I have always known Jesus, or atleast who He was. He died for my sins. His love endures forever. He had a beard. We "Do this" in His memory. As a boy--young man and as a comfortable believer, I always had a percieved closeness with the man I call Savior. 

Now, now that I begin to look for myself and ask my own questions and seek out "God's will"...
Now, now that I wonder about and speak of love and justice and true peace...
Now, now that I know life wasn't meant to look like this...
Now, now that I am even aware of another kingdom...

Now, now I pray for visions. I pray that God would give me a dream--a desire--a want--a calling.

Now, now when I begin to wonder for myself who this man is, the man that I have called Savior for 8 years and claimed to follow for 3...
Now, now its seems like I am always a step behind meeting him.

It is like He is leaving me clues here and there for who He is, but we can never meet. 
It is as if He is more a memory than a constant.
I don't even know who the man is. Yes, I remember when I knew who He was. Now it is a mystery. 

I still believe that Christ died to redeem humanity and reclaim His kingdom. 
I just don't know that I can call myself a follower of Christ whenever I don't even know who He is. 

I don't know how to be like Him in the least.
I don't know how to pray unselfishly.
I don't know how to lay down my life for my friends.
I don't know how to heal the sick.
I don't know how to provide for orphans and widows.
I don't know how to forgive 7*77 times.
I don't know how to fight against poverty.
I don't know how to heal the nasty scars from years of social injustices.
I don't know how to inspire people to question and to act.
I don't know how to act. 
I don't know how to further the kingdom of God.
I don't know how to fight the kingdom of Man in love.
I don't know how to die, that Christ might live in me.
I don't know how to question.
I don't know how to love my neighbor.
I don't know how to love without end.
I don't know how to love.

Its that giant heave that you get in your chest, the kind you get when you are immensly sad or when you know this epic part of a song is coming up. The one that starts in your gut and pushes its way thru your chest till you feel like you are going to explode from the shoulders, and so you let out this loud awkward sigh to aleviate the pressure. And in the middle of a crowded Starbucks after paying $7 (USD), you wonder and pray about being compassionate like Jesus was when He saw the crowds. You think about the kingdom of God as you put the change from the $20--which paid for coffee, atmosphere, and taxes--in your pocket. While sitting alone and drinking the highly priced treat, you muse about stewardship, and what Jesus meant when He commanded the rich man to give everything away to the poor...

They say Christian means little Christ...

How dare I call myself a Christian.]]></description>
      <pubDate>Thu, 14 Aug 2008 00:00:29 -0700</pubDate>
      <guid>http://virb.com/cthegray/posts/text/770452</guid>
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      <title>The Whore...Wait.</title>
      <link>http://virb.com/cthegray/posts/text/714343</link>
      <description><![CDATA[The Church is a Whore...? Really?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the "Church" as a whole. About her role, about her objectives, about her formation, division, and about the current push for the "Emergent Church". The Emergent Church...the thought used to seem novel...Now I'm not so sure.

What is the Church? We call a building a Church nowadays, and I still can't quite get how that came about...Church is believers: People. It's like repeatedly going to a football game where you are surrounded by Fans, and eventually instead of saying you are going to the Game (, or Stadium would be more accurate for this illustration) you eventually start saying "Hey man, want to go to the Fans?" Syntax, I know. My head is cold, so I put my hoodie up.

But really, The Emergent Church. I heard a philosopher speak this Sunday about the Church. If you know me, you know I really don't like little catchy catch phrases about...almost anything, like "It's not a Religion, it's a Relationship", or "God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good." I'm sure you know more, and I am not saying they aren't true, but, oh snap I want something to hit...the fan...when people say those things...All that to say, this guy used a little phrase, but it made me think.

"The Church is not an Organization, it is an Organism."

He went on to talk about how he feels that the Church as a whole (and he as a person) is guilty of making and committing to so many activities, classes, and services that she almost begins to solely invest in an Organization with her time and monies. He then asked those gathered if they thought Jesus would really take part in a body whose purpose was strictly preservation, as that seems to be what the Church (as a whole, currently,) is in the interest of doing.

Epic. Metal Hands. It truly is, has been, my belief that:
1) The kingdom is at hand, here, now,
2) The kingdom is not an ideal, or a place, but God's own people,
3) God's people are the Church.
Therefore I believe that the Church is the Kingdom: a kingdom made up of God's people, with a mandate to invest not in another hierarchal religious order, but rather in the building of relationships, and the redemption of parts of the body that have fallen to the wayward side...Hm...more to come on that later.

And now back to this emerging business...one thing that strikes me as odd is that a lot of people say "Emergent Church" but mean...pop-culture church...the hip church...the church that is with it...you get the point...but what does the name imply? Emerging from what? From persecution? I would venture to say that in the place we call the U.S. of A., almost all persecution of the Church comes from within the Church, and it manifests itself in two forms: Unbelief and Denial. Unbelief in that 

Some might say it is "emerging" from more recent years (last 100) of cultural disconnectedness. 
Some might say it is "emerging" from do-as-I-say to discipleship.
Some might say it is "emerging" from sermon driven to service driven.
DC*B might say it is "emerging" from death to life.
After much thought and deliberation and multiple conversations, I have decided that I agree with my close friend who put it plainly when he said:

"The universal church is everyone who is a follower of Christ and has put on the wedding dress. Emergent, Traditional, Dying, Adulterated, Contemporary, Blended, Pentacostal, Baptist, Non-Denominational, Charismatic, Old, Young, Fat, and Slow - are we not all followers of Christ? Some with a little more dust on our feet than others...and at varying times."

Emergent or not...The Church is, has been, and will always be the Church. 

DISCLAIMERS:

I realize that some organization allows for more effective means at times. I also recognize that the Church has been an awesome tool through which a lot of lives and minds have been renewed, and I don't mean to downsize that in the least.

I abhor when "Emergent Church" supporters get mad when you talk about the present Church and call it a Whore, because I also believe that the Church is the body and bride of Christ.

Jesus wouldn't marry Himself to the Church if He didn't believe that:
1) She could be redeemed, and
2) She was worth it.

Despite that belief, if the Church is composed of God's people, even the "Emergent Church" would still be considered a whore in that sense because
THE CHURCH IS PEOPLE. A collective body of people from all walks! So long as one...ONE member of God's kingdom sells out to sin, the Church is a whore. Therefore, we ought not think that the Church will cease to be a "whore" just because it emerges or....however you would say that.
]]></description>
      <pubDate>Sat, 12 Jul 2008 03:12:23 -0700</pubDate>
      <guid>http://virb.com/cthegray/posts/text/714343</guid>
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      <title>Love? Or...</title>
      <link>http://virb.com/cthegray/posts/text/713126</link>
      <description><![CDATA[What does it mean to love God with all your Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength?


And how do those four things apply in Loving your neighbor as yourself?

If love is something you constantly DO, then loving your neighbor would require all your strength. If your mind is being renewed, it ought to be wholly consumed. But how do you love God with all your Heart and Soul? I suppose most devout folk would say "Spiritual disciplines, you sinner!"...but how does the Heart and Soul ACT in love?

If love truly is so much more than a feeling, how does the Heart and Soul...ACT in love?

We can easily associate action with our strength, and even so with our mind, our words and thoughts are more or less the actions of our minds. I guess when I say:

"How do you love with your Heart and Soul"
I mean
"What can your Heart and Soul do to demonstrate love?"


Maybe I am misunderstanding this...(which maybe is a product of my history of not loving God with all my mind) but my understanding of the Soul is our Essence, our existence...in a non-blasphemous way (i.e. I'm not saying I=God) how does my own I am be love?

In the same way, my understanding of the Heart is not just the thing that goes thump-thump whenever she walks by, but rather the "gut feeling", the place where you hold to the things that you know that you know that you know. How does something like that DO love?

Before I begin to digress, I look at Jesus. I think it's plain to see how he loved God with all his Mind (by keeping God's commands readily in his Mind and speaking God's words (Love) to transform others) and how he loved God with all his Strength (by becoming a healer to the sick, a meal-giver for the hungry, by getting water for the thirsty)...what of his Heart and Soul? Some would say constant prayer is his Soul's Love, but I have to believe there is something more...

If you made it to the end...high five.]]></description>
      <pubDate>Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:12:02 -0700</pubDate>
      <guid>http://virb.com/cthegray/posts/text/713126</guid>
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      <title>Free Will: God's Will: Conflict?</title>
      <link>http://virb.com/cthegray/posts/text/713125</link>
      <description><![CDATA[Lately I've been thinking about GOD'S WILL! And what it means in everyday life. Do I really believe the author of the universe, the guy who made something as complex, and beautiful as what we call the Bible really interested in my day to day goings-on? And if I can convince myself that He is indeed interested, do I believe he has a specific plan in mind?

While I've been thinking about it, I've come to another conclusion...I'm sure somewhere someone has already thought of and labeled these, and so for those who read Jon Doe's book...I'm sorry if I bore you...but I think the phrase "God's will" brings up two separate ideas in the minds of different people. (Three really, because some people would say God's will doesn't exist, but that's not what I'm going to focus on.)

The first is what I have been calling the "standing orders"...very much related to my last note, "Love? or..." I think God's "standing orders" are that we love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength (even if we don't fully know how...), and the second which is like it, to love our neighbors as ourselves. Many people think of that when people say "God's will", including me.

The second is where I kind of hit a snag. It's what I've been calling the "general-specific"... (I know that's kind of inaccurate, but my train of thought was that God's will was general with the "standing orders", then get specific for individuals.) This is really where I think the problem for most people (again, including me) begins...Does God have a specific plan for ME, TODAY, RIGHT HERE, NOW? I know there are plenty of cliché sayings and texts which are sold as relevant that people generally throw towards people who ask these types of questions, and frankly, I don't think any of them are worth any count.

So let's get to the meat of the matter.



Obviously for those who do not know God (as well as those who know Him), His will is for them to come to Him through Jesus Christ, to be saved and renewed by Christ's life, word, death, and resurrection. I guess then it would come to the question of "What next?", or is there a "What next?" at all?

I want with everything in me to believe there is a "What next?", partially because I am largely plagued by indecision, and partially because I feel like if I'm trying to do what God specifically wants ME to do, there will be a much smaller chance for me to screw it up, because I'll have something specific to work towards.

I've been thinking about [the above] like renovating a house. If I have something specific, say "Paint the living room, then mow the lawn", I'll do it. But for me, Carlson, if you just said "Work on the house today", I kind of wonder what to do for a lot of the day, then piddle around and try to feel like I am accomplishing something.

That set aside, I do believe God has specific plans for each of us, who are called according to His purpose. Not only to be renewed to the former state of "the image of God", but also to accomplish a specific...task (, but much more than a task).

Paul got "standing orders" to love God and others, to be renewed by the transforming of his mind, and to go make disciples of all nations, teaching and baptizing in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. After Paul got his "standing orders", however, he was moved and directed by the Spirit of God to certain places, to speak at certain times and with certain words, etc. Why would it be different for us?

I guess then my question is really "Are there times God just wants us to try something on our own?" which then becomes "How do we know when God has something specific in mind?"

Is there ever a time when God says "Carlson, you have your 'standing orders'...use them!", and expect me to use the knowledge and love I have from Him, and couple them with the gifts that I have received to make something beautiful? Or does God always have a specific thing in mind that I may or may not be hearing?

Maybe I should have titled this note "God's Will: Audibility: Conflict?"



Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
AND THE CRY OF MY HEART, Is to bring You praise
From the inside out..., Lord MY SOUL CRIES OUT]]></description>
      <pubDate>Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:03:35 -0700</pubDate>
      <guid>http://virb.com/cthegray/posts/text/713125</guid>
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      <title>Becoming, Like...um...</title>
      <link>http://virb.com/cthegray/posts/text/713123</link>
      <description><![CDATA[I've been thinking lately about...are you ready? (John?) Doing God's Will.
Now don't click the back arrow just yet. This isn't a note about whether or not God's Will is a predetermined thing, or if it is something that we choose to do. There is a time to discuss that but alas, this is not that time.

What I am talking about is living like Jesus did. I just don't get it, honestly.

How can I, in arrogance and impatience, a guy slipping in and out of not-so-clinical-depression, a boy who calls himself a man, dare to say that I want to live like Jesus did?
The answer is simple. Through his power. Sounds hoakie, right?
It's ironic that "The Church" offers that answer when I put the question to it, but then I reject that answer, and take my own path through pain and time to find the same answer. No, it's not ironic, it is foolishness on my part to think that God made living like He did a secret puzzle one has solve, to think that I had to find a secret room in my mind to unlock before I could start living like Jesus did. Jesus saved me and showed me real truth. He showed me what Mercy and Compassion and Forgiveness and Love really looked like, and demonstrated how to share them. What more do I need?

Thinking about this (at...a number of places, but specifically in my shower at Trevecca, then in a Jackson, Mississippi Waffle House at 3 a.m.) I just was praying and writing and eating delicious waffles...and I was thinking about the "Lord's prayer" and the ideas of being love and doing God's will and the idea that "the kingdom is at hand"...and this kind of came out:

We are the Kingdom Coming
We will be "Your will be done"
When Orphans and Widows are returning
To the Place where they belong
We're a Kingdom made of people
Not of gold or swords or land
The Kingdom isn't Coming
The Kingdom is at hand

And that has kind of been my prayer (& hopefully my latest lyric for Bill's Garden) since then...That I would become His Will Done. That I would be where I am and become the kingdom...all that to say, it got me wondering if is it possible to be "like" Jesus.

Is it possible to be like Jesus? Or do we really have to completely die? Is it possible to become so completely...similar to Jesus that people see Him, Do we have to die completely so that only Christ lives in us? I know that Paul would say that we no longer live, but Christ lives in us, the idea that the old man is gone, the new man has come...But even when I let Jesus live through me...I'm still Carlson (or Carl depending on whose talking). When I die to myself, do I become like Christ, or wholly Him? That sounds...Oriental.

Is this all just...a syntax-ish problem? Am I focusing too much on a theoretical question?

Along the same sytax-ish thinking, I wonder this:
We, as followers of Jesus, have an ultimate goal.
(I know Paul says our ultimate goal is the salvation of our souls.....I don't agree...but hey it isn't the first time I discovered I was a heretic.)
We, as followers of Jesus, have a be-all-end-all agenda...but what would you say it is?
Would we say of ourselves "My purpose is to Love others",
or do we say of ourselves "My purpose is to Glorify God"?

By doing the first, with the heart and attitude of one who follows Christ, we are inadvertently doing the second... (inadvertently is the closest word I could think of...I mean we do it intentionally but whatever) but which would we say comes first? I have heard it said that it is an issue of Love.
Basically, this person said what I was really asking could be answered in knowing that the greatest command is to Love the Lord your God, and the second which is like it is to Love your neighbor as yourself. In a roundabout way, they were saying if you are doing the second, you will ultimately be doing the first, and without the second, the first is just...chaff in the wind. I like that answer...what do you think? They go so hand in hand that eventually they ought to become indistinguishable...Can or should the same be said about our relationship with Christ?

Becoming Jesus...almost sounds like heresy. ]]></description>
      <pubDate>Fri, 11 Jul 2008 11:48:01 -0700</pubDate>
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