Dana

"Shimmering Substance", Jackson Pollack, 1946

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 23:18:42 -0700

Angkor Wat, Cambodia

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 23:08:18 -0700

IMG_0503

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 23:06:58 -0700

Halong Bay, Vietnam

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 23:06:21 -0700

Coffee Makes Me Think I'm Funny

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:47:37 -0700

Mallards

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:47:12 -0700

Flo

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:46:07 -0700

X-Mas Awesome!

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 17:01:51 -0800

Oh yes, I got a pink teakettle. And yes, it rocks hard.

X-Mas Awesome!

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 17:01:38 -0800

You may not know of the fantastic invention called "YakTrax", but they are rubber mesh slip-ons with metal coils that go over your shoes to protect you when you are walking on the snow and ice. No more walking like an old Penguin for me! I am snow-courageous!!

X-Mas Awesome!

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 17:01:24 -0800

This is a tea towel that I embroidered for the fun of it. My first foray into crafts, ever. And I am hooked. I love to embroider while watching Cops!

X-Mas Awesome!

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 17:01:11 -0800

A close up of the Cardinal I stitched. This was my second bird.

X-Mas Awesome!

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 17:00:47 -0800

A close up of the Bluebird of Happiness that I stitched. This was my FIRST stitching, and it came out awesome! Get ready everyone, because all your gifts will now be personally stitched!

Paxil and Me

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 21:58:29 -0700

The first time that I noticed that I had a problem with depression had to be my Sophmore year of college. I began doing things that were very out of character: sleeping 12-16 hours a day, being sexually promiscuous and drinking heavily. I acted so happy all the time to all of those that met me. I joked and laughed, but I always knew that there was something wrong. I knew that I was just sad. And the apex of that sadness was when a guy I was dating (and felt like I didn't deserve) dumped me over Instant Messenger the same day that I told my biological father that I didn't want him to be in my life anymore. I remember crying so hard that day that my dorm-mates came down to see if I was okay. I wasn't...but I learned to be quieter. It seemed like after that day, I just moved past the depression in increments. I moved out of the hole little by little, putting my sights back at the things I wanted: success in school and career, etc. It took another year, but I came to be more like "myself". And so things went for a good long time. I changed universities and majors and fell in love with nursing. I finally became great at something and I had a wonderful relationship with my family again. My romantic relationship was rocky, but what girl in her 20s doesn't have one of those? I thought I had things under control. And then my parents left for vacation. Seriously. I was 22, in my third semester of nursing school and my parents left for three weeks to go on a cruise. During the first week I was fine. Then the second week I got worse. And by the end of the third week, I was a wreck. I was so obsessed with school and getting things perfect that I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. All I could do was watch TV and obsess / study school materials. But let's back up for a minute... I have always been an anal student. I love getting A's, I love getting the recognition of being the best and the brightest. I wrapped my worth in that accomodation. So I thought my need to be perfect in this arena was just my ambition. I never thought there was anything wrong with it. Hell, I've been doing that for 22 years...I didn't know how else to be. So back to the present. I lost four pounds and developed beautiful dark circles under my eyes and my parents came back from Europe. And I cried hysterically when they called me. I couldn't tell you what set it off or what made it stop, but I was crying. I was speaking fast and I was obsessed with them being home. I told my mother that I was okay, but she didn't believe me. The next day she took me to the doctor and I started on Paxil. Being on Paxil in some ways has been a God-send. I don't obsess anymore the way I used to. I can let things go. I don't feel those physiological effects of anxiety anymore: the racing pulse, the increased breathing, sweating, dry mouth, the need to cry or even the racing thoughts. (Which I thought were all normal and a part of life for everyone.) I am more willing to try new things, to defy my mother and to speak my mind. I don't try to be as perfect, I just try to be me more and more. But now I am at a cross-roads. I am out of school, have my license and am gainfully employed. Do I need Paxil anymore? Do I need it to help me? Now that I know what "mellow" can feel like...do I need the mellow that this drug provides? I just don't know. And that is why I am here, yawning and typing...and trying to figure it all out.

Strange Encounter

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 00:07:07 -0700

I decided to putter here tonight. I wanted to peel myself from TiVo for a bit, turn up the tunes and just express myself. And then, while I was searching through the internet for some artwork that I love and want to put on this blog page, I wandered into something sad. Something tragic. Something that impacted me. I wanted to find the work of Jeremy Blake, a painter that works with digital media, who did some beautiful and amazing sequences for one of my favorite films, "Punch-Drunk Love". Rather, I found the bizarre story of his suicide last year. As those who love and know me well, I am a fan of crime stories. I love Law and Order, 48 Hours, and all of that shit. I was totally absorbed into the Scott Peterson trial as well as the Neil Entwistle case. I just like learning about it. I like to learn of the state of mind someone has to be in to kill someone else or themselves. It's one thing I can't relate to...so I find myself facinated. Anyway... I found myself reading this article written in Vanity Fair about Blake and his girlfriend Teresa Duncan, who killed herself 7 days prior to Blake. I learned about how both of them had this promising talent and staggering intellect. And that got me thinking about the other artists that we can all list who killed themselves and had the same qualities. And I just became profoundly sad and creeped out. Not because it was a new story, but rather a story of people that I could see myself knowing and liking. People that if I saw them on the street, I would think that they were hip and cool...and I would want to be just like them. And that scared the shit out of me. That I have been spending my day with the "I should be"s; listing the adjectives in order of importance. Meeting Blake and Duncan this way has scared me from that game. Perhaps because it hits a little too close or because it really frightens me that I desire to be more like other people who could make those decisions and less like myself who could never. Either way, I find myself disturbed. And I feel myself fighting sleep because I do not want this to be the last thing on my mind. I do not want to see what those dreams would be like.

Tea and Crumpets at Five O'Clock

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 17:10:51 -0700

I am home. I am finally home, in my little place, all to myself. The phone hasn't rung once. I finished my novel this morning, as well as a movie. I finally showered at 4 O'Clock. And I am getting ready to sit down with another. I don't know yet how I am adjusting to all of this, and I don't know how in depth I want to get into it. I just want to start. I feel in some ways that I have neglected myself physicially for the past few months. Poor sleeping, inadequate eating, and little to no mental stimulation. So in that vein I am loving this time alone. The time to give my body what it wants and so desperately needs. In college, I would call this time "pushing the reset button". I would sleep and eat on my schedule, give myself time to read and watch movies at my leisure and every now and then venture outside for sunshine and air. After these times I would feel how I would become hungry for interaction again; ready to learn and be a part of the world. Today feels like the same experience, and it has been close to three years since I have done this: holing myself up in my place. At first I was practically admonishing myself for not doing something more. For not going outside. For not calling my loved ones. And then I remembered that it is okay to have a break, a sabbatical if you will. So, excuse me as I return back to my seclusion. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.

Growing Up Is Hard to Do

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:39:54 -0700

I am beside myself with contemplativeness. (Is that even a word?) I want to spill myself completely on this page at this moment, with no regrets, nothing holding me back. I want to sing loudly and without reservation, dance like the scary white girl I am, and clean deeply and roughly. I just can't get over what is going to happen tomorrow: I will be recognized as a graduate nurse, given a pin and highlighted to the world of my peers that I am a professional now. Not a student. Random thoughts as they occur... Being A Professional: I can't begin to go over what a mind-fuck it is to be done with school. All I have ever known is how to be a student, and how to please as one. I know how to turn out the academic tricks. Now no one will be asking for them. Will I continue the desire to please others, or will I finally be free to go after what I want? And what is it that I want? My Parents: I know them. Tomorrow, they are going to be all smiles and enjoyment, but they will leave early and tell me something later regarding Dan and his inability to fit into my life or my friends...blah, blah, blah. They will not call me, due to a fear of interrupting something when Dan is here. I feel that they are trying to let me go and to accept Dan, but he is doing the same? It is all coming too fast, folks. And it's all coming too soon. I mean, I have only been in college for six years. Can it really be over already? The part of me that wants to throw everything out says "Thank God" but the student within me want it to stay the same badly. But we all have to grow up sometime...

The Period Between Planning and Packing

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 08:14:58 -0700

Good morning friends and lovers -- Yes, I am up early for a girl that no longer has responsibilities to school. But I have a pre-employment physical today at 1000, and I made the mistake of having a cocktail last night at 2100. So, I woke up at 0645, unwilling but ready to start my day. I am also finding myself reluctant to go to a party that I said I was going to go to tonight. I would rather stay here, eat, read and drink tea. We'll see how bad my adversion to seeing other people gets today before I make that call. Dan's coming up tonight to stay with me until Sunday. I am hoping that seeing his pictures from Guatemala and listening to his travel stories will help me to get excited again for Vietnam. I am in the lull now, after the planning stage but before the leaving stage where I just don't want to go. I want to stay here and enjoy the peace and quiet of my home, my friends and my family. I know I will have fun once I go...I just have to get the motivation again to want to leave. The hope is that seeing someone else's awesome trip will make me jealous enough to get excited again. Sorry kids, but I am losing motivation. There just isn't that much going on right now and the things that are going on, I just don't feel like spilling all over this blog. Perhaps there will be more of a babble period later. I will post once more before I leave and then when I come back from Nam. Like all three of you are that concerned, but still....

Odd Dana Day

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:51:35 -0700

Everything tastes like shit today. Literally. Everything I put in my mouth (except for my friend vodka tonic) tastes like dirt. And considering that eating is one of my passions, I find this very disturbing and sad. Today has been fueled by juice, an orange, yogurt and 1/2 of a pannini. Usually by this point I have had my total daily allotment of carbs, but sadly it isn't so today. As anyone can tell this is disturbing me...a lot. Couple that for my sudden distaste for Dr.Phil (my favorite guilty pleasure) and my growing acceptance for a 64% I got on an assignment, I am in a very odd mood indeed. This is not me. I do not drink in the afternoon. I do not throw away half a meal. I do not turn off Dr. Phil. I do not accept anything less than a B when it comes to my school work. But all of these things have happened today. I just don't know what to do with it. I don't know if this is positive change or not. Am I becoming less anxious and obsessive, or am I becoming more depressed? I don't feel depressed...I don't feel out of sorts. I just feel concerned that food doesn't interest me. Perhaps it was the shots I got yesterday (Hepatitis A and Tetanus/Whooping Cough). People are always speculating that vaccinations cause autism... And I am feeling sexually explicit today as well. Which again, is odd. Inbetween the SSRIs and the OCPs I am usually pretty indifferent about sex. I could take it or leave it. But I am craving it today...and Dan is out of the country. Which leaves me to dream about Jason Bateman and his perfect hair. Rawr. *sigh* Oh Dana, why do you constantly fall into lust with older men? And why are you having constant fantasies about a steamy one night stand on a train? *sigh* What an odd day. Let's hope it passes.

The Devil in the White City / Why I Am Not Sleeping Tonight

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 01:51:15 -0700

So...just finished Larson's "The Devil in the White City" and I have to admit that while I am a fan of history and of true crime, I found myself skimming while I was reading this book. When the author got too heavy in quotes (which were of the time period of the late 1800s) I actually skipped them and didn't miss one thing that was pertinent to the plot of the story. But that doesn't mean that I am knocking my experience with this book. I found it capitvating and interesting and I feel like I learned a little something while having fun, which is always a plus. And this book has ignited an interest for me in architecture, which I am looking forward to learning more about. I feel like I want to go to Chicago and explore it all over again, given this smidget of history that I have gleaned about the place. Definitely an interesting read. My next project after all of this school crap is to work on reading the biographies of all of the American Presidents. I have always had an interest in politics and in the men who have occupied the presidency. I really have an intense interest in the early Presidents, because they really shaped policy and how we look at the world. Just another facet to invest my interest in. Now to the less academic pursuits... Dan is in Guatemala right now, and he has been gone for five days. He will be gone for another five, and I miss him terribly. Which honestly surprises me. When I was in the Dominican Republic in March, I was gone for ten days and didn't talk to him...and I didn't miss him. I thought about him a little but to be honest, I just didn't miss him. I was doing great, having drinks and getting some sun. But now that the shoe is on the other foot, I miss him. I wonder how he is and whether he is having fun and is safe. I miss talking to him about the inane stuff of life and sharing my jokes. I just miss him. And while it kind of sucks, it is quite awesome as well. Before two weeks ago, I was feeling ambivalent about this relationship. I wasn't sure if it was going to work or not, whether I loved him as a girlfriend should or whether I was staying out of fear or just complacancy. And then something switched in the relationship. We started having fun again. We stopped talking about the future and where we were going to live. We just started talking about our interests and listening...really listening again. Its been great. So that leads me to my current state where I am sitting here in Pigeon, wondering how he is and wishing desperately that I could see him or speak to him. 1/4th of me wants to make sure that things are still as good between us when he comes back, and the rest of me knows that it will be. That it will always be. I just have to keep my eyes open and have faith.

So...This is What an Update Feels Like

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:03:25 -0700

I got up this morning at 1130. It is now 1400 and I have not showered, eaten or brushed my teeth. I have not gotten a call from my mother, I have no homework due, and Dan is in Miami waiting for a connecting flight to Guatemala. I am alone, the sun is shining, and the air is a little crisp. And I am smiling. It has been forever since I have had the time to do this. There are always demands, as we all know too well: school, work, love, family and friends. Well, to those who fall into the categories above today you are on your own. I have created my insulated bubble and it will not be punctured all day. So there. I graduate in less than a month, which is starting to freak me out. I have my job in the ER all established; I am going to stay in my apt.; I know what is coming next. However, it is still a daunting task ahead. This is not a summer job. This is not the start of three months of employment. This is the beginning of forever. Whoa. I find it exciting and scary. I am only responsible for me. It is my money, my debt, my job, my car, my place...mine. Very different. I just can't wait to see where it takes me. My goals are changing now: I find myself craving to be less narcisstic, more observant, and less concentrated on myself and my ego. (Of course, this can't be told from today, but I mean it nonetheless.) So this is what the transition into adulthood is all about. To spread yourself beyond the vision of yourself. Make a conscious effort to think of others and less of yourself. Well, after a few hours on the computer figuring out the new profile (Like it?), I am ready to finally get up and get on with myself. Hopefully there will be more later...