I definitely can get on board

Yesterday, I talked to one of organizers of Vox United-Mike Takas. We talked briefly for a few minutes. Basically, a short meet and greet but without the meeting part. We set up an interview for the internship for Monday at 1:00pm at the main office. Then, he invited me to an Donor's Aprreciation party that Vox was having at Haworth. I went and met some of the people who are involved with Vox. The desserts were absolutely amazing. Besides the desserts, they had a presentation about what Vox has been investing in and the future of Vox United. As I sat there listening to the speaker I just wanted to pinch myself to see if this was all a dream or if it was really happening! At the end of the night, I just told myself I definitely can get on board with this group. God is so good! He has answered my prayers and opened up another door of possibilities!

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Lastnight and just "letting out the dreams in my head"

I picked up John and we headed over to Panera to only discover that it had closed early because they were preparing for their annual Bread Bash for their new upcoming Holiday promotions. So, we walked over to Culvers and stared at the menu and stared at one another and decided it was not healthy to be eating cheese curds and french fries and ice cream for dinner. We went over to Quiznos and hung out there for dinner. The night was pleasant. We had a really good conversation about God, both of our future plans, dating, and about life in general. We both remininesced about how the last time we hung out was back in April at his apartment when he threw a party and how it got out of control. We both laughed. We both came to a mutual agreement that we needed to hang out more often and converse once a week.

I'm hoping to hear back from Vox United soon about a possible internship right here in Holland. Originally, I pushed back YWAM for September but decided that I want to go in April so I need inquire about that.

I really want to move somewhere else. I really don't want to be here in Holland, MI. As much as I love being close to my mom's side of the family and the unlimited amenities the town has to offer it still does NOT FEEL LIKE HOME. I remind myself everyday that when I get back from South Africa I will be able to move wherever I want. I really don't mind if I am a vagabond for the rest of my life. Living in new places, meeting new people, trying out new things is always exciting. We'll see...

To end this.. last night I really thought about Christmas and presents and my birthday which is two weeks after Christmas. I decided that I will not be asking for anything of material value.
Mom, you don't have to get me a thing this year or next. For once, I am content! It's an amazing feeling!

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I am overwhelmed with pure joy!

Lastnight, I stayed up till this morning to watch the Election coverage. The feelings I had were: anxious, excitement, and more excitement especially when around 11:00 pm Mr. Barack Obama was announced to be our next President!!!!!!

It's very encouraging to know that people in our country actually do care about the political process and what an amazing time to be a youth in America the fact that we can make a difference.

When watching the Election coverage I only wished I was at Grant Park in Chicago lastnight.
Obama's speech-inspiring! CHANGE and HOPE!!!! YES, WE CAN!!!!

Today, I am proudly wearing my Mr. November shirt.

Also, today, I am beginning to count down the days till January when we can officially say good-bye Bush and Cheney and hello Obama and Biden!

I also have an interview with Vox United for a possible internship! What a great week!

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Tentative plans for 2009

Do two internships.

Go home for a couple of weeks.

Take a crash course in French and Affrikan in Chicago for two-three weeks or however long it takes.

Travel to Austin for SXSW in March.

Travel to all the destinations that I want to visist here in the States before I leave out of the country.

End up in South Africa for eight months.

Start a new books-to read-list.


*not necessarily in any order

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Today

Is rather long. I'm going to read Of Mice and Men for the 50th time. Next to The Red Pony and The Pearl it's my favorite John Steinbeck story. I'm looking forward to 6:45 pm to roll around because that's when I pick up my friend John and we head over to Panera Bread and spend quality time together over a delicious soup and bread. That's when I hand him his English homework that I wrote for him. Peace out!

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He gets it

I don't know about you but I know that I am ecstatic about Nov. 4! Why? Well, because I get to vote for CHANGE and for the chance to let everyone achieve their American Dream!!!!! Lastnight, I was glued to the apathy box to watch the 30 min. campaign ad by Obama and smiled the whole entire time watching it. I was inspired. He definitely has the Kennedy-esque quality. If you don't like Obama give him credit that he is all about, "Ask not what your country can do for you-ask what you can do for your country."

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the art of being single

My senior year of high school we had to write out our senior profile for the school paper. One of the questions that was asked was about our future plans. I laugh because its probably going to come true. My future plans was that I was going to find my soul mate and get married at the age of 35. I'm laughing because I have never been so sure that being single is a great thing!

It's probably very selfish of me to think like this but it's a great mind set to have. Why? Well, you don't have to worry about what the other is thinking about. Their wants and needs etc. It's not that I'm not a considerate human being-Iam. It just has to do with the fact of becoming the woman I was meant to be.

I guess, I can thank my mom for all this. She after all, taught me that it's okay not to depend on a man. She taught me to be independent. She taught me what it means to be secured if something happens to me. I am very happy that she was not the mother who pushed me to date and go out finding a man and settle down. Instead, she has encouraged me to do my own thing.
That's what I love about her. She did her thing for a long time before she married my dad. She got to live on her own and discover that she really was homesick forIowa and that was where her identity belonged. She instilled that in me. Thank goodness for that.

I am okay with spending good quality time by myself. I don't have to always be around people. I'd rather be spending time reading a good book, participating in a good conversation, listening to music or a watching tv/movies etc.

I'm happy to inform you that I am comfortable in my own skin.

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Can't wait to dig in and future plans

What It Is: What It Is by Paul G. Maziar & Maust.

Future plans...still planning it out.

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home sweet home

When do you know that you get the sense that you are truly home? It's been almost a year since I moved to Holland, MI and I feel like this is home but wishes that she was elsewhere. Elsewhere as in...

1. out saving the world
2. making an impact on society
3. changing people's perception about the world they live in
4. loving on people that need to be loved on


I guess when I feel that I have accomplished this is when I can say, 'Home. Sweet Home.'

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Currently

Is tired of having surface level conversations. Yeah, it's polite to dance around the how-do- you dos but does it always have to involve tv shows we watch, the clothes we just bought, gossip of the he said she said.

Let's converse on things that matter to both of us. Our aspirations. Our surroundings. What we are going to do about changing our destiny an the path that takes use there.

Listening to this song because it resonates truth to my current state-'Welcome to the Occupation' by Cold War Kids. Enjoy...

Whistle blowers gotta get outta school they don't want poets they want pgeons on a stool you're examing fossils defending criminals I'm clock watcing getting dumb photographing models a house painters solace I'm like sisyphus in the sun I give up raising your kids america you treat 'em like an obligation welcome to the occupation devils in the details he's got your gold watch and chain whistle blowers we know how you feel public servants surrender their free will but you can't be in politics and work in the circus you have to choose just one you hold the nail I'll swing the hammer that's how things get done goodbye valedictorians goodbye punks.

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Laughing out loud by this pick-up-line

I work at a coffee shop and for common courtesy to the customers I try to say, 'Thank you' and 'Have a nice day.' Well, the other day, I had to work as a baker in the bakery and then four hours later come back to work for four hours at the coffee shop. I was making small chat with a customer who happened to be a man. Anyway, at the end of our conversation I wished him a good night and then he says this, "I would wish you to get some beauty rest but it doesn't look like you need it." Full of cheese!

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the other day and lastnight and today and tomorrow

The other day I decided to sit in front of the apathy box to only to discover a brilliant series called Independent Lens created by the people at Public Broadcasting System. The documentary series they were showing was an animated documentary called Chicago 10. It was about the 1968 anti-war demonstration at the National Democratic Convention in Chicago and how the "ring leaders" were trialed because of their convictions and basically being anti-American. The only reason I got sucked into it was because two weeks I was in Chicago and never really thought about the history that has emersed the Windy City. My friends and I stayed in the Lincoln Park area and that's where all the hubbub of the 1968 protest happened. How cool! While watching the doc. it made me sad because I began to think about the people in my age bracket. Yes, there are people of my generation who are revolting for change but there are so many more who sit in front of the apathy box and have way too much hubris going on in their heads. Then, I began to think about how I have settled and have become too content on being comfortable with my life where its at and where its going. Well, that's about to change! Thank goodness!

Yesterday, I treated myself to a very yummy breakfast at my favorite places located in downtown Holland called the Windmill Cafe. I got two peach pancake rollups that had brown sugar seasoned in the peaches and whip cream on top along with a side of crispy on the outside and fully cooked in the inside hashbrowns along with coffee and cream! I sat at the counter and read A Fable by Faulkner. Then, I had to work for four hours. :( When, I came home I got into my pjs and went to bed early with Conor Oberst singing me to sleep. "I feel your poltergeist love in the Savannah heat..."

Still working on finishing up my portfolio for the anticipated summer internship. I'm also planning a late summer vacation to Civil War battlefields and places of literary minds and musical geniuses. All this while riding the train across the United States! Can't wait!

Also, to get a better understanding of the soulful band Cold War Kids I plan to read Philosophy on Loyalty which their album Loyalty to Loyalty is based on.

Today, I made myself a cheese and spinach sandwich on marble rye made by me in the bakery. Everytime, I eat marble rye bread I laugh because it reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when Jerry is in line to get a loaf of marble rye bread and this cute eldery woman gets the last one and Jerry steals it from her on the sidewalk!

Tomorrow, I'm looking forward to Sunday School and church. I'm not looking forward to working. But when I get home I plan to sit in my bed and read all night till I fall asleep!

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POLAROID LOVE and another series of shorts

Instant snapshot captures the moment
of instant gratification of affirmation and self indulgence of lust
to watch it
quickly fade away like the exposure of the memory
that will drift off in a collection of dust
in an album of the what-ifs and what-could-have-been
that will soon be forgotten.

The cardigan, white and fragile like a doillie centerpiece on the coffee table with intricate design was inherited from her deceased grandmother's closet. The one she admired from afar as a little girl. It was worn daily. It was worn with her t-shirts and Levis, adorned over the few dresses she owned, and worn even in the dead heat of July. It was her security blanket.

The more the delicate garment was worn the more frayed it became just like her state of being and state of mind. It was falling to pieces right before her own eyes.

Each time the sweater came undone she would piece to back together using a needle and thread. She attempted to sew it back together like the way it use to appear to the naked eye-back to normal.

Eventually, trying to fix the one thing that could no longer be fixed proved to be unproductive. She would thread the cardigan back together and it would snag again. Buttons popping off and the hems of the sleeves becoming unhinged. The detail design of the floral pattern appeared to no longer be intricate or subtle but fringed and chaotic.

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A Possibility

He hadn't been back home since he left in high school graduation present. He had longed for the day since the evening he stepped in between mother and his father's fist of pent up frustration and a disappointed let down.

Presently, the old man was about to be buried in the ground that he took care of just like his ancestors before him. The land that caused much disparity. The land that caused ranges of emotions. The land that drove his father to debt and to the cheap beer at the tavern. The land that caused his father to disown him when he told his father he would rather have the farm burn down to the ground before he because the pathetic old man he became. The night his father's fist met his.

This was the image that he played over and over again in his literary mind. The image that made him miss his sister's wedding, family holidays, his parent's Golden Wedding Anniversary, and other occassions whether joyous or depressing they may be. Yet, he came back home just like the prodigal son but without his father's warm embrace and celebration of his homecoming.

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The future

The future I am embarking on is coming a long. God has been so good to me this past year. Embracing me in His arms and letting me understand the woman I am and the woman I have always been.

I have an opportunity to move close to home for short term. May be I am doing this out of guilt. The other night, I finally talked to my mom over the phone and could hear the loneliness in the tone of her voice. My brother, was in Ames for his birthday with is friends and left her by herself. He didn't allow her to celebrate his birthday with him. I left to find and understand myself and search for better prospects. This internship opportunity would be an experience of a lifetime.

I'm still waiting to hear back from YWAM. Hopefully I hear back soon. I can't wait to go on this amazing journey. The Bible study I'm currently involved in there are two people who went on YWAM and told me their experience with the organization. The more I hear their stories the more I am excited and ready to go!

Can't wait to vote for Mr. November!

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beginning of a story

She closes her eyes to dream the dreams she hand when she was little girl. Every night she does this only to wake up to a dead end job and each day gradually eating away her inner being-her soul. Each night she wakes up with a sudden jolt with condensation of sweat sticking to her palms and dripping off her face as if she had finished running a marathon. She rubs her eyes and then attempts to dream again. Only to find herself staring at the ceiling above her.
She finds each second, minute, and hour ticking by her each passing day to be repetitious. Get up. Shower. May I take your order? Eat. Stare at the glare and listen to the noise coming out the television. Attempt to dream but with failure.
She feels as if her life is in slow motion while the rest of the world is in fast forward. As she is on pause and the entire human race is on play she contemplates about how she is going to do it. How is going to put her life permanently on stop? Did she want to go out like Sylvia Plath? Did she want to go out with a big bang? She sits there in silence in the pitch black room facing the oven. Contemplating death was not as simple as people who went and accomplished it made it seem.
Is it a feeling of apathy or her failures that brings the nightmares every night? May be. She wants it to stop. She's tired of staring at a face that's an image of static-white noise. She can barely see past the snowy blur. She wants it back on focus on clear. Yet, she doesn't know how? Or has she forgotten? Or is it she clearly got lost a long the way? It could be that this was all intentional-to blend in with the background of static.
How could she have forgotten her childish ambitions which were full of energy, full of creativity, and full of big ideas? There were no road blocks to stop her or detours to take to prevent her from achieving the big picture she had envision from herself as a little girl. That's why she moved to the city. The city of idealism. The city of altruism. Now, she's working at a corner caf

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Untitled

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beginning of a story

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beginning of a story

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revision

hands binded with self-centeredness
feet firmly planted. lazy to take charge
eyes blinded not wanting to see the beautiful mess of the world
hands over ears not wanting to listen to thenoise of rhetoric
mouth shut, silent with indifference
hands over heart selfish with apathy

hands out to share the little I have
feet ready to move, to revolt, to love, to change
eyes with sight wanting to see beauty of God's masterpiece
ears open to hear the kicking and screaming of help and agony from the souls of the earth
mouth wide open screaming passion
heart beating with love inside-out

titled 'my america. my dream.'

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