It was day three in the pink bathrobe that my grandmother bought me for my birthday and the argyle socks as I stared our at my backyard, peeking my head out through those blue and green gauzy curtains that I bought not too long ago and that Aslan has taken upon himself to shred.

Fuck curtains. I said out loud. Or maybe I just thought it. It didn't make a difference.

Maybe I didn't deserve to be happy. That was the only logical explanation. I do not deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to stand before big my big beautiful plans the thoughts of which bring tears to the corners of my eyes where the eyeliner always gets clumpy and that half smile only big enough to make my right dimple show.

Middlesex. Calvin College. Yale Divinity School. Only God knows where from there.

I tried to think and recreate my little tear dimple moment.

It doesn't work. I don't know when it hit me, walking through the mall in my cowboy boots and that mini dress that mommy doesn't let me wear in public.

Abbe has been joking about how one morning I'm going to wake up, look in the mirror and a lesbian is going to be staring back at me.

high pitched laugh. cross knees. hair flip. Bite lip. Change the subject.

Bisexual. Its so safe.

There she was. It was Ann Taylor as I rounded the corner catching a glimpse of myself.

There she was. In a red dress, highlighted hair, snakeskin cowboy boots and the big bag that she stole from her mom...She smirked, tossed her hair a little and then she must have climbed into my skin

Do you have glasses? I don't but apparently nothing is better than putting on new glasses and being able to see. Everything is clear and you can read again and stuff.

When I was fifteen I realized that I has some feelings for the lady folk and I wrote 'I am gay and god is dead' in red lipstick on my door.

It's still there. I can see it out of the corner of my eye. And its true. Whatever god I was waltzing with back then is dead. I've learned to open my eyes to a bigger reality with a bigger God.

So here I am in my pink bathrobe and argyle socks looking out my back window with my new eyes.

Middlesex. Calvin College. Yale Divinity School. They're all spread out a lot wider but within grasp if it really matters. My friend says that there is no questioning

I'm a brave girl, but believe me when I tell you, I am scared