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NovemberNov 5 Thursday 09
Ctrl-Alt-Divorce
I met Reg and Nigel at nine o’clock this morning. They were coming out of the Co-op supermarket with arms full of cans of Stella Artois.
‘Are you two drunk?’ I asked, incredulous.
‘You better believe it, Davy-Boy!’ Reg bellowed. ‘Been on the whiskey all …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
NovemberNov 1 Sunday 09
Treat
‘Trick or treat!’
‘I’ll have a treat, please.’
‘Pardon?’
‘I’ll have a treat, please,’ I repeated, holding out my hand.
‘But . . . erm . . . we ain’t got any.’ He looked around rather dejectedly at his small cohorts dressed as witches, ghouls …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
OctoberOct 28 Wednesday 09
Telling Teenage Fortunes
No.52
An old girlfriend from your schooldays will e-mail you out of the blue saying: ‘I’m divorced now. We should go out for a drink sometime.’
Your anxiety attacks will start again.
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Telling Teenage Fortunes
No.51
You will be invited to a school reunion and decide not to go.
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OctoberOct 25 Sunday 09
New Enormous Member
As predicted in Revelations, Enormous have eventually found a new piano player. Yay!
We here at Enormous HQ have puffed up our very proud bosoms and girded our loins to enable us to loudly proclaim: Welcome to the fold, Ryan Noon!
Imagine someone incredibly handsome and …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
OctoberOct 21 Wednesday 09
Demon Sperm
It appears that old demons, once considered entirely banished from these parts, are in fact able to make a stunning return.
I’m going to have a fight on my hands again, I can feel it. Still, being English, one doesn’t like to complain. Mustn’t grumble, and all …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
OctoberOct 19 Monday 09
Clang!
So, in my dream last night, I had some free time; no one was ill; Enormous had a new bass player – with hair – and a keyboardist who played piano like Steve Nieve; nobody was depressed; nobody was poor.
As happens regularly in my dreams, Audrey could speak English. …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
OctoberOct 15 Thursday 09
Babysitter Bassist Baby Issue
I was chatting to Walt, bassist with indie band The Babysitters yesterday. I have been trying to poach him for a few weeks now, using all my powers of manly seduction. I think Walt is a thoroughly agreeable chap and a very good musician – the kind of very good …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
OctoberOct 12 Monday 09
Telling Teenage Fortunes
No.50
You will renounce alcohol.
After a few months you will nounce alcohol again.
You will go on to renounce alcohol once more.
(You will probably nouce it again next week.)
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OctoberOct 9 Friday 09
Early Spurt
Audrey and I went for a jog at the crack of dawn today for the first time in months and we bumped into a woman with whom I was acquainted years ago. She used to look like a mutant version of Jennifer Aniston. This morning she just looked like a mutant.
She was jogging …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
OctoberOct 6 Tuesday 09
All Fall Down
The woman with the nasty big black Labrador was stalking us again this morning on the rec’.
I have never spoken to her but I find her rather irksome, to say the least. In fact, she annoys the hell out me – and Audrey. I firmly believe that certain people should not …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
OctoberOct 2 Friday 09
On Passing a Log
Several old and blighted horse chestnuts trees – providers of conkers for generations of local schoolboys – have been felled on the park recently, and some delightful teenagers were sitting on one of the big trunks yesterday when Audrey and I passed during our …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
SeptemberSep 28 Monday 09
Telling Teenage Fortunes
No.49
You will try really hard to like Charlie Parker.
You will realise you don’t like Charlie Parker.
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SeptemberSep 26 Saturday 09
Believe Her
So there I was yesterday searching through some of the old Big Arena Records podcasts we did last year and came across this little gem: Believe Her.
Another old song that has been recorded over the years in different forms. If I recall correctly, there is actually a …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
SeptemberSep 25 Friday 09
Keyboard Player Required
Yup. Enormous are looking for a piano/organ player-type-thingy person.
If you have a loud piano or a big organ, leave a comment here or contact us via mail@enormousreloaded.com.
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SeptemberSep 24 Thursday 09
Special Dispensation
I have just received exclusive permission from the Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI himself allowing Audrey and I to walk around the lovely graveyard of St Peter’s Church on the outskirts of the village.
Apparently, according to the local vicar – a wiry man with bushy …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
SeptemberSep 20 Sunday 09
Village Secret
When Audrey and I bumped into Reg this morning he was with his horrible new friend Nigel.
‘Hello you two. How’s things?’ I ejaculated in a cheerful manner.
(I didn’t feel like saying that at all, to be honest with you. I actually felt like saying something more …
(via Enormous Reloaded)
SeptemberSep 17 Friday 09
Telling Teenage Fortunes
No.48
On a sunny day in September you will decide you want to learn to speak German.
On the same day you will realise that quite a lot of musicians are autistic – and you seem to be acquainted with all of them.
These things are not connected.
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SeptemberSep 13 Friday 09
Enormous Animal Lovers
Wandering around the park during the school holidays this summer, Audrey and I have been admiring lots of the new and surprisingly specific graffiti.
On the bandstand, buried amongst the rough sketches of female pudenda, football slogans and the omnipresent ejaculating …
(via Enormous Reloaded)