Telling Teenage Fortunes

No.31

Whilst taking the class through a reading of the Book of Genesis, your Religious Education teacher will turn to you and inquire: 'Literally speaking, how do you

Romano Di Natale

'Hey, Reg, had a nice Christmas? What did Santa Claus bring you?'

Audrey immediately pounced on Hercules, my elderly friend's tiny little Jack Russel, and proceeded to demonstrate to him how fast real dogs can run, as Reg began reeling off a long list: 'Fondue set from …

New Year's Revolution

Try not to faint: you are reading a blog post by someone who stayed in on on New Years Eve.

That's right, you aren't dreaming - Nelson Galaxy and I did not go out to the pub on New Years Eve. That's a first for us.

Graham, the drummer from Enormous came round on …

Yule Be Seeing Me

It's Christmas!

See you in two weeks; I'm having a break. I'm going to indulge myself with the finest wines and Belgian chocolate and dozens of sexy gorgeous women.

Yeah, right. (Well, you never know: there are other dimensions - Christmas Fantasy Ed.)

I'll probably be …

Happy Homer Endings

Good news about Homer the horse: this morning the RSPCA rang to tell me they had taken charge of him.

Apparently, the farmer who owns him has been guilty of neglecting his animals before and this time the Society intend to prosecute him in the courts which will …

Behold A Pale Horse

I hate people who are cruel to animals; I would like to have them tortured and then boiled alive. I would find their graves and urinate on them; I would then dig up their corpses and torture them all over again.

Of course, I would prefer it if I could prevent them from …

Telling Teenage Fortunes

No.30

You will go to a Christmas party and wake up at 6am on someone's sofa next to a girl who looks like she wrestles bulls for a living.

You will say something outrageous like: 'I'm sorry.'

Citizen Canine

I was listening to BBC Radio 4 this morning and some obliging person was suggesting ideas for unusual Christmas presents to give your nearest and dearest this year.

One was the gift of a Certificate of UK Citizenship for the family pet - some spurious document that …

In The Night Garden

I was supervising Audrey at eleven o'clock last night as she emptied her bowels in the frosty garden when a large head peered over the wall at the bottom near the fuchsias.

'You look like George Clooney in this light.' It was Reg.

'You gave me a fright there, …

Male Possessive

'The wife does all that for me, Steve.'

'What, even when you haven't washed it for a few weeks?'

'Especially then.' He pointed to his jeans and laughed. 'I made her get out of bed at four o'clock this morning to iron these before I opened the shop.'

'You don't iron …

Christmas Is Coming

Once again the festive season is nearly upon us one and all. Hurrah!

I will have my bottle of sherry, Audrey her special chews made from cows' eyes and Nelson will be here, ostensibly to do some recording in the studio, but mostly for his annual yuletide drunkening with …

Upstart Bloggers

While I was chatting to Reg in the Starlight the other day he introduced me to his new Italian girlfriend, who thankfully remained gratifyingly mute.

'Actually,' he whispered to me from the corner of his mouth, 'apart from being incessant shouters, I think Italians are …

Sex Addict

As Audrey and I were returning from the Co-op this morning, I was worrying whether I was a sex addict - I realised that, on average, I think about sex two or three times a day - when OAP drummer Reg popped his big head out of the newly-refurbished Starlight Caf

Galaxy Snapper

Nelson has returned to London after coming to take photographs of the Enormous gig with B-Movie last Thursday.

He didn't actually take any because he felt intimidated by some of the bands' scary-looking male fans. That's Nelson for you. Mind you, I can't blame him; …

Davy's Rock 'n' Roll Holiday

Don't forget to come say hello at tomorrow's gig at the Town Mill in Mansfield.

This is the first show ENORMOUS have done for ages, and in a way it marks our long-awaited return to the rock 'n' roll arena. Big night. (I'm not nervous, thanks for asking; I'm a little …

Telling Teenage Fortunes

No.29

You will become a virgin.

Telling Teenage Fortunes

No.28

After General Assembly one morning, Julian Thorpe, an odious fellow student with eczema and a face like a knee, will throw a chair across the sixth-form common room at you because you said that Jesus was 'one of the all-time comedy greats.'

Misery Guts

The miserable old Pakistani man behind the counter in the corner shop was this morning in an even gloomier mood than usual. For some odd reason he always calls me Steve.

'Mr Mishri, I keep telling you, my name's not Ste - '

'What's that, Steve?'

'Never mind.'

I asked …

ENORMOUS Set List 20th Nov Gig

A few people have been asking me what songs ENORMOUS will be playing at the Town Mill gig with b-movie in Mansfield on Thursday 20th November, so I decided to post the full set list right here:

My Type

Here Comes That Girl Again

Let's Run Away Together

The Way That It …

Moron Replacement Therapy

I'm feeling murderous.

I have a surgically sharp set of knives in the kitchen. Their very presence makes me want to use them.

People around here are really getting on my nerves at the moment. It isn't their fault, of course; you can't blame them for being born complete …