When Audrey and I bumped into Reg this morning he was with his horrible new friend Nigel.

‘Hello you two. How’s things?’ I ejaculated in a cheerful manner.

(I didn’t feel like saying that at all, to be honest with you. I actually felt like saying something more effective to Nigel, like ‘Piss off, you bigoted idiot.’ I didn’t. But sometimes ‘Piss off, you bigoted idiot’ is a very effective ejaculation to employ when one bumps into people one cannot stand.)

‘Nigel has been telling me all about the Village Secret,’ Reg informed me.

I must admit, I was vaguely intrigued. I asked: ‘What’s that?’

‘It’s a secret,’ said Nigel, somewhat imperiously.

I truly hate that man.

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