VIRB

Okay, I could no longer keep quiet about this, it just began to irritate me way too much.

So our offices moved a few months ago. In the new area we've got a China Garden (or whatever it's called) carry out, a German deli, a pasta place, and the coolest part of all, a coffee shop as our neighbor. Pretty nice to be able to go next door for a latte, or blended coffee, bagel, breakfast, lunch, etc.

But I started noticing sometime last month that when you order lunch, they give you a bag of Lays Classic potato chips. No problem you say, and I would agree. It all started with a Tuna Melt, it was my first bag of chips which I put in my top desk drawer because I don't really eat potato chips. I noticed the next time I went in that on the menu, under the "Lunch" heading, it said that chips were served with all lunch sandwiches, as well as a pickle. Pretty standard.

However, one day I branched out from the Tuna Melt (which is very good) and ordered a Margarita pizza. I get back to the office with my pizza in a to-go container. I open, and right here . . . smack dab on TOP of my pizza was a bag of classic potato chips. I think nothing of it past the fact that they fuckin put it right on my pizza, and when removing the bag I had to enjoy the pizza sauce and grease on my fingers (which if you know me is already a "not-so-fun" situation). After wiping the damn thing off, I offer a bag of chips to my cohorts in the office, no one wants. So I put them in my top drawer.

I continue ordering from the coffee shop, a bagel in the morning maybe two times a week, lunch maybe twice as well. So on this past Friday I go over to get a bagel in the morning, and instead of getting just the bagel and cream cheese or whatever, I get a breakfast bagel with egg, cheese, some bacon, and a tomato on it. And a ton of pepper. I get back to the office and upon opening the container I discover my breakfast bagel, a bag of Lays classic potato chips, and three little carrots. I step back. I can't decide if I'm more put off by the classic potato chips with my breakfast, or the three little random ass carrots decoratively placed next to my bagel.

I calm myself, eat my bagel, toss the carrots and place my bag of chips in my top drawer . . . in which I notice that I've got my own fuckin Lays Classic Potato Chip kiosk going on here. So I make a mental note, "That's It!" The next time I order food from the coffee shop, I'll let them know that I don't want the classic potato chips because I don't eat them, and I have a Y2K storage shed filled with the bags they've given me thus far. But no matter what, I will not put one more bag of chips into this drawer.

Fast-forward to this morning. I get in the office between 9:00am and 9:30am and after reading a few emails, talking about the weekend with a coworker or two, I head over to the coffee shop. I order a blended iced mocha, which are really good there because they actually put espresso in them unlike the Frappucinos at Starbucks, which have Zero coffee value. He begins making it, and because she said, "i like your shirt," I'm talking to some lady with a great body but is clearly 45ish from the looks of her face. We end our short lived conversation about where she works and where I work, all the while I catch her glance just below my belt not once, but TWICE. I step up to the cash register, he gives me the total, and I pull out my card to pay. He says, "oh, you're paying with your card? Well, do you want a bag of chips or something?" I, realizing that they probably lose money using the card machine for such a small purchase, say "Oh yeah, of course. That's fine."

It isn't until halfway back to the office that I realize what this son of a bitch just pulled off. He managed to give me a bag of Lays Classic Fucking Potato Chips without me even ordering any food. All these thoughts begin to flood my head, the butterface was a ploy to distract my mind so that when he sneaks in the suggestion for a bag of chips to increase my purchase, I wouldn't even think of the fact that I'm not supposed to be getting any more chips. I get a flash of him and butterface laughing at me after I left and I actually contemplate turning around, walking into the coffee shop and emptying the bag of chips all over the floor.

But instead, I walk into the office pissed off and I offer the chips to anyone in the office who wants them. Everyone of course says, "I'm okay, but thanks." To which I reply, "Fuck all of you," and I place the god damn bag of god damned Lays Classic Fucking Potato Chips into the top drawer of my desk.