My very first Virb° avatar, the green-on-black <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Screens_of_death#Sad_Mac">Sad Mac</a>.

This was taken back in 2005, and is one of the few photos of myself I have. At least, it's one of the few recent ones I have. I suppose I could take more candid shots now that I have an iSight camera, which makes taking photos on the fly pretty easy. Anyway, I was just playing around with the new Virb 2.0 and I felt I had to ditch my old avatar (Sad Mac). I thought it was time for something new. ;)

By the way, the title of this photo was inspired by Björk's <i>Headphones</i>, a favorite song of mine. :)

My second Virb° avatar, the red-on-white <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Screens_of_death#Sad_Mac">Sad Mac</a>.

So, thanks to a very good friend of mine, one whom I shall forever be indebted to, I was alerted to a retrospective of the late, great, Japanese filmmaker, Akira Kurosawa. The retrospective, Akira Kurosawa: Film Artist, was hosted by the Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences here in Los Angeles, and it consisted of an exhibition of Kurosawa's art, personal effects, etc. at the Academy's main galleries and a series of screenings at their theatres. When I learned of this news, I was floored. I had to be there.

The funny, as in curious, thing was that it was only some months prior that I decided to embark on a Kurosawa retrospective of my own. I'd become dead set on watching as many Kurosawa films as I could get my hands on. I have a habit of doing this, especially with music, I must consume the entire catalogue of an artist's work. And I must do so in order. I'm obsessed with chronologies in this respect because there's nothing I love more than seeing something evolve over time, especially an art form. And I suppose I chose Kurosawa because I was already familiar with some of his films and felt like his filmography was something worth diving into. Thankfully, I consumed every bit of his work I could find before I learned of the Academy's retrospective, it made the experience all the more rich and involved.

So on September 23rd, 2008, I had the great pleasure of enveloping myself in the world of Akira Kurosawa. While I had been to the Academy... before, this was the first time I had ever visited their galleries. It was an amazing experience. There's just something ineffable about bridging this gap from the cinematic to the physical. All of these things, all of his work, had only ever existed in my mind, and seeing it all in person was... so many things. It was overwhelming at times, definitely surreal, exciting for sure, illuminating... I could go on and on.

I had an experience similar to this when my brother took me to the Los Angeles County Museum Of Art's exhibition of Buddhist and Hindu iconography. At that time I was well immersed in the world of religious symbology, and had a special interest in Eastern philosophies. So I'd studied this work in the same way that I've studied Kurosawa's work, from afar. Every painting, every sculpture, every piece of embroidery, etc. only existed in my mind. All I ever had were photographs and video. Seeing everything in person was a whole new experience. Something about sharing the same space... I don't know what it is. But whatever that was, I loved.

To give some perspective, there were two spaces that housed the actual exhibition. The first was in the Academy's Grand Lobby Gallery which, funny enough, is located in the lobby, on the first floor. This gallery was dedicated entirely to Kurosawa film posters from around the world. I actually didn't get to see much of this part of the exhibit because a large section of the Grand Lobby was cordoned off for a party that was scheduled later that night. I didn't really mind missing out on the posters since I felt they had little to do with the films or the artist.

The real meat of the exhibition took place in the Fourth Floor Gallery. It was a veritable Kurosawa cornucopia. They had everything: scripts, screenplays, sketches, etchings, paintings, costumes, awards, letters, etc. I was in heaven. If I were allowed to, I would've taken some photos but I didn't dare risk permanent expulsion from the Academy. I probably came close though.

I had no idea what to expect at the exhibit so I was really shocked to see costumes from Kagemusha and Ran. They even had Lady Su]]> Mon, 15 Dec 2008 16:35:01 -0800 http://virb.com/devotedsatellite333/posts/text/983756 http://virb.com/devotedsatellite333/posts/text/920468 I've neglected this place, this tumblelog. For the past few weeks I've had it in my mind to write more. There have been times, many days, I've had the urge to write. I've thought to myself, I should blog this. But the moment invariably passes. It's rarely anything really important, though, I obviously think enough of the thought, idea, feeling, etc. if I want to share it, and yet I don't. Chalk it up to laziness I suppose. I would like to credit pure laziness, but this just speaks to my nature. I'd rather listen than talk. I'd rather be passive than active. Which is fine, well, would be fine...

I was speaking to a friend recently and... well I suppose it's not important, the details, but I mused on this idea of nature. There are few things I think are wrong, rather, I like to think things just are and just happen. Everything's a matter of perspective. The Universe knows nothing of right or wrong, of love or hate, etc. We color the world the way we feel it. It's all about feeling. I feel things are wrong, I feel things are right. I feel all sorts of things, but in the end they're only my feelings. They substantiate nothing, except my personal truth, my self.

Everything would be fine if I felt everything were fine. No one can color my view of the world. No one can make me believe this is wrong; or right. I've spent a lot of time silent and alone. I know that I'm different. I want to be silent, I want to be alone. I know most people don't want these things. No one can make me believe there's anything wrong with who or what I am. To thine own self be true. Only I have a bead on who I am, on what's right and what's wrong. And lately I've felt like things aren't quite right, the silence and the solitude. I don't think it should feel this comfortable to be this quiet and this alone. It feels like nothing. I feel numb sometimes and I think, It shouldn't be this way. It didn't used to be this way, though, I've never taken things to this extreme. I'm letting myself withdraw far too much. And it's easy. But it's wrong. This, like everything else, should be taken in moderation. It's fine if you want not to speak, it's fine if you want to be alone... if you want it.

I want to break the silence.

...to thine own self be true...

Tonight I was listening to episode 499 of The Tech Guy and about 43 minutes in I heard the phrase again, over the transom.

I thought it was odd. I'm sure I could count on one hand the amount of times I've heard that phrase. I'm also sure that I haven't heard or seen it used in years. I thought it was odd to happen upon it twice in the same week. That's all... just thought it was something to take special note of.

GQThe Tech Guy

I recounted my favorite scene from the film in which Dr. Hineman illustrates the nature of survival:

It's funny how all living organisms are alike.

[The doctor takes one of her genetically modified plants in hand and proceeds to wring the life out of it.]

When the chips are down, when the pressure is on, every creature on the face of the Earth is interested in one thing and one thing only.

[The plant, in the throes of near-death manages to free itself from the doctor's grasp, wounding her hand.]

Its own survival.

I tend to take note of peculiar characters whenever I come across them. When my friend mentioned The Recluse in relation to the world of entomology I was instantly reminded of a video game character from The Legend Of Zelda - Twilight Princess, Agatha, the bug princess. You encounter the character in a side quest that involves collecting "golden bugs" in sets (male & female) to bring to her "ball". Upon delivering a set you're rewarded handsomely with jewels and upgrades to your wallet which in turn allow you to carry even more jewels. When your task is complete Agatha's ball commences and her house swarms with these shimmering, iridescent insects; pill bugs, butterflies, snails, etc. It's quite a sight. And very peculiar. I know I question things more than I should, more than what's considered "normal", so it goes without saying that Agatha has provided ample fodder for me. Who is she? Where does she come from? Where does her love of insects come from? Where does her wealth come from? The significance of her title? Of the ball? I don't know.

Another peculiarity? The name Jasper. That's the name of my sister's pomeranian-chihuahua mix. He's a relatively new addition to the family and I always thought it odd... the name. You don't hear it all that much. Unless of course you watch The Simpsons or read the Twilight series. So I thought it was interesting when the name sprung up again in relation to Children Of Men. I happened to bring up Michael Caine's character in the film, whose name I happened to forget is Jasper (another recluse), when talking about Dr. Hineman. More interesting still is that his character, like Dr. Hineman, is a part of my favorite scene in the film. The scene involves a discussion between Jasper and a main character, Kee. That too I found interesting, Kee, and you would too if you knew me well enough.

Jasper: Everything is a mythical, cosmic battle between faith and chance.

[Offers Miriam a joint.]

Miriam: Maybe I shouldn't.

Jasper: You already did. Take another one. Now cough. What do you taste?

Miriam: Strawberries!

Jasper: Strawberries? That's what it's called: Strawberry Cough!

Kee: Wicked!

Jasper: So. You've got faith over here, right? And chance over there.

Miriam: Like yin and yang.

Jasper: Sort of.

Miriam: Or Shiva and Shakti.

Jasper: Lennon and McCartney!

Kee: [Looking at pictures.] Look, Julian and Theo.

Jasper: Yeah, there you go! Julian and Theo met among a million protestors in a rally by chance. But they were there because of what they believed in in the first place, their faith. They wanted to change the world. And their faith kept them together. But by chance, Dylan was born.

Kee: [Picks up another photo.] This is him?

Jasper: Yeah, that's him. He'd have been about your age. Magical child. Beautiful. Their faith put in praxis.

Miriam: "Praxis"? What happened?

Jasper: Chance. He was their sweet little dream. He had little hands, little legs, little feet. Little lungs. And in 2008, along came the flu pandemic. And then, by chance, he was gone. You see, Theo's faith lost out to chance. So, why bother if life's going to make its own choices?

Kee: Baby's got Theo's eyes.

Jasper: Yeah.

Miriam: Oh, boy. That's terrible. But, you know, everything happens for a reason.

Jasper: That, I don't know. But Theo and Julian would always bring Dylan. He loved it here.

Many concurrences. Many links. Many peculiarities. Chance? Reason? Coincidence? Purpose? I don't know what any of it means, I just thought it was interesting, I just thought I'd share.

Tonight, not more than 20 minutes ago, I was listening to The Dawn and Drew Show while playing Picross DS. If you've ever played a game of Picross you know that solving one of the more complex puzzles can take a while. It takes time for the solutions to reveal themselves. So I was listening to Dawn ponder the nature of her, well, nature. What it meant to be who she is. How she came to be. It was a loaded stream of consciousness. It's a conversation I often have with myself... always trying to suss out my tigers and dragons.

Toward the end, the dialogue shifted to entitlement and punishment. I'd like to think I'm not spoiled but you could certainly argue the point. I think you could indict the whole of the Western world in that respect. I do feel gratitude though, I do feel humble. I certainly don't feel I deserve the life I live. Better people than me are suffering where I am not... and yet, I still take what I take without much consideration of what that actually means. It's certainly taking but it's insidious because it doesn't appear to be, it doesn't require me to do. I accept. I'm lavished upon. It's easy.

I want to change. I'm always saying I want to change. I want to stem the dark tides of my character. I'm not who I am. I'm not who I once was. I'm better and worse, yet I know I've let more things fall apart than I've help build. And sometimes I feel... well... oftentimes... well... always feel like time is slipping away. It is, it always is, for all of us, so I guess I mean my time is slipping away. And I thought it significant, working on this puzzle in my mind while working on the other puzzle in my hands. I felt like I was getting closer to a solution. I could feel what was coming but I couldn't yet see it, not clearly. I heard what she was saying while also hearing whispers of what I've told myself before. Wondering what it means to live the life I lead and wondering what I truly deserve for letting things slip so far.

They said the word dung beetle just as I was solving the puzzle, just as the dung beetle revealed itself to me. An odd concurrence, a perfect symbol. It was happening all the time... it was becoming without my knowing it. It was in my hands the whole time. I suppose a lot of things can happen right in front of your eyes before you realize it, when it's too late. I'm hoping it's not too late for me. I think the message was heard loud and clear.

Hearing the dung beetle.Seeing the dung beetle.