life seems to be at a crossroads of sorts for me right now. things seem to be changing that, i'm totally comfortable with, yet at the same time i'm not sure if it's mostly my doing, others, or maybe a little of both. with any change comes positive and negative aspects i suppose. it seems as if when i change a certain part of my personality, or my attitude towards something, it's not so much that i start going around and conforming things to my new found perspective, but it's as if things start showing their true colors. life seems to start showing off for you a little bit, like it's watching... or as if it knows what you're thinking.

i've tolerated shit from certain people for a while. it was never my responsibility per say and nobody ever asked me to that's for sure. that, i can say, has been my own choice. at this point, i'm just tired of going along with shit that i flat out don't like. life is too short and i'm too much of a happy, easy going person to have that taken away from me on the account of what other people chose to do with their life. unfortunately, to appease my distaste for these people and their decisions, comes a price. yet, as i mentioned before, once i decided to change the way i handle these situations, they almost seemed to start working themselves out naturally.

case in point:

1. a friend of mine (roomate and, just recently ex-coworker) over the last year starts displaying parts of his character that are quite unattractive. one day, after all of these individual situations kept piling up and piling up, i just decided i would let this person do his own thing. i kept to myself, didn't associate much with him anymore and, in some ways, made sure he'd notice. this wound up turning in to a nasty situation where my opinion of him changed from unappealing to not wanting anything to do with him. he pretends as if he doesn't know why, and acts like it's my responsibility to tell him why. what i don't think he realizes is that he has already left the space that i had for him as a friend - that's gone, not coming back. if this never gets resolved, it doesn't really matter to me. once i move out of this house, i won't have his presence to constantly remind me of my distaste for him. the only thing i'd be interested in hearing from him is an apology. while that may open the door to a cordial relationship once again, it will not reinstitute our friendship. i feel that he has everything to lose by continuing this display of ignorance (as he has done in other situations for as long as i've known him) while i feel more at a gain than a loss. in the end, friends come and go. such is life and i truly believe i've made choices in this matter that are for the better.

2. about a year ago another friend decides to date my ex-gf after i break up with her, literally pretty much right after. the guy even has the decency to, in a way, ask permission before doing so. i gave him all the respect in the world after that, and tried to set aside my discomfort in what he was wanting to do. he had a special relationship with a certain person that was ended in a very unfortunate accident and i thought maybe he needed to fill a void in his life and i was fine with that. after all, this is one of my best friends - that's the least i can do. i stopped liking this girl because unfortunately i found out her history. quite frankly, i became disgusted with her and disappointed in myself for settling for the first thing that came along after 2 years of not having a relationship (this includes getting any as well). so now, one of my best friends is dating someone who i thought i would never have to see again. at first, it was just that for a while. she would be around and i tried to put it past me. well, one night a few months ago i went up there loaded up on oxycontin, booze and weed and said a few things that were on my mind. i didn't exactly do it in the most tasteful manner, but i did speak frankly and honestly. i sense that my relationship with this friend has changed since then - partly because i've simply just stopped wanting to go up there (lawrence) and he hasn't exactly made any effort to hang out with me since this. in fact, last night after waking up from a nap, i go downstairs and there he is, in my house, unannounced to me, hanging out with the friend from #1 above (again, my roomate). he knows i'm not cool with #1 but it's not like he's not allowed to hang out with him... it's just that he hardly ever does and he's not really even good friends with him anyway. plus, it's kind of a slap in the face when he's hanging out with #1 and didn't even mentioned to me that he was coming down so i could plan accordingly. i had other plans that night already so i just said hi and left.

then, this morning, he's washing and waxing his car with #1 when apparently he had planned to do that with his brother since a week ago. his brother also has a strong distaste for his girlfriend (again, my ex). he was suprised as i was that he was up here washing his car with #1 instead of him. i don't know if he's holding some type of attitude like "well if they're not cool with who i'm dating then fuck them" or what, but it's starting to seem like yet another one of my friends is drifting away - one who i thought and looked forward to keeping a very long lasting friendship with. he's different since he's been with this girl, and i'm not the only one who sees that. we don't like it, but he's a big boy, he gets to do what he wants.

what's going on with my friends lately? am i changing? are they? i'm totally fine with letting the cards fall where they may in all of this, but i sure would like to know the reasons behind all of it. am i so wrong for not wanting to hang out with someone who's dating my slut ex-gf who jumps from friend to friend, to friend to friend, to circle of friends to another circle of friends? the honest answer, as i feel, is a resounding no. it's just too bad that to get away from this situation i may lose one of my best friends and so far, he doesn't really seem to care. what kind of person dates one of your really good friend's ex-gf literally a week after they break up. i'm sorry, but i can't see that i'm exactly... wrong in this situation.

win some, lose some.

people can do what they like, i just don't really fucking care anymore. i'll spend my time investing in new friendships, not ones where i have to continuously set aside certain aspects of that friendship just to maintain it. it's not worth it and just makes it even easier now that i've decided that it's just not worth caring about anymore.