If I Were a Mother

If I were a Mother, I'd be a bad mother.

I don't mean a bad mother like Joan "No more wire hangers!!!!" Crawford.

I mean a bad mother like Shaft. "Shaft! He's a baaaad motha- shut yo' mouth!"

If I Had A Hammer

If I had a hammer, I would certainly not hammer in the morning.

For a couple of reasons:
A) I like to sleep late and would not want to get up early to hammer stuff.
B) I've had the misfortune to live next to a couple of construction sites in my life, so I know …

If I Were Claude Monet

If I were Claude Monet, the impressionist painter, I'd indulge my inclination toward horror.

Claude Monet
Zombies in Springtime

If I Were Nathan Hale

If I were Nathan Hale, the American patriot hung by the British following the Battle of Long Island during the American Revolution, I'd have proclaimed as I stepped up to the gallows, "I regret that I have but one live to give for my country. And I especially regret …

If I Ever Snap

If I ever snap and kill someone, it'll probably be at 2:01 a.m. at the 7-11, and the victim will be the person in front of me at the counter with a bag of chips and a Powerade who, for the past eight minutes, has been swiping various maxed-out credit cards and overdrawn …

If I Were Jesus

If I were Jesus, knowing me, I’d have slept in late on Easter Sunday. Then they would have rolled back the rock from the tomb, and I’d have been all startled and blinking blearily from the sunlight. I’d have said “Hey, what’s up?”

And they’d have said, …

If I Were St. Patrick

If I were St. Patrick, I'd've thought twice before driving the snakes out of Ireland.

I'd've realized, "Okay, yes, this place is chock full of snakes and that sucks, but on the other hand, maybe the Irish need these snakes all over the place to keep them alert. …