Well its been hard for me to want to even talk about this .. but i think i need to at least in my own mind let it all go..  I'm embarrassed, hurt, disappointed, confused, shocked, i feel like a fool…

Me and Nick are not getting married… My dreams, hopes, ideas, and life i was working to build with him is not going to happen…

HE said to me… that i had hurt him and he could not be with me that i would never understand him and we are 2 different people.

I asked him how i hurt him yet he would not explain he wouldn't talk about it or give any sold detail of what i have done other than i always argued with him and never believe what he said..

for months he was going threw some stress in the army.. and well i tried to be there as much as i could however it wasn't enough or it was too much .. I don't fully understand it and has he would say you never will .. but i do know this after all the things he said to me

you are my dream girl

i love you

i want to have children with you

I'm lucky to have you

ill never leave you or hurt you

will you marry me

i have always wanted to be with you

i love you Emily

Turns out with all those things he actions did not match if you truly love someone you would try to work it out..

he would get so angry with me, i always felt like i was on egg shells, he pretended to love me and want me when it was a good time for him..

he stated to me that i always asked for more than what he could give.

he was in another state what could i even ask him for..

boils down he isn't the man i thought he was… i trusted him i loved him i gave him everything of me.. i was going to change my whole life to be with him to grow and make a new one but it isn't good enough. i guess I'm not the one never really was.. .i might not ever find out the truth .. some say its another woman others say he is just having issues and he will come back .. ..( so much had happen but details seem to not matter any more because its over, he has made that clear)

well i say  I don't know… i thought he was the man i was going to be with for the rest of my life.. but it doesn't look like it  will be… i guess again i get another preview of what it would have been like.. i was i truly loved him, with everything i had, i had been in love with him for a very long time. its very hard not to get bitter and just hate him and hate every man i see.. but I'm not going to allow myself to do that.. i cant.. i want to believe there will be a man out there who wants me truly for me .. not to change me or tell me to be normal or ask me why i cant flirt with him like other women do ( even though I'm not in the same state) or any thing else that is hurtful and discouraging .

its good it didn't happen after we were married but who knows what would have happen i guess.. ill never know..

all i can do is move forward… so i have :

I'm 1 of 3 steps closer to joining the Le Cordon Bleu, I'm going to change my life.. once I'm finish with school I'm planning to check out the following cities for jobs.. Seattle, NYC, Chicago, Sanfran ( First pick will be Seattle), I'm sure more ideas will come up its to far to plan what will happen .. until then I'm going to make a plan..  But first get all 3 steps finish to getting ready  for school, and then go from there

i have also cleared up most of my credit… hell yeah .. its nice… the one good thing that came out of my relationship with nick is he did get me to look more in my financial life .. I'm thankful for that..

I’m going to work hard.. and fast and get my life in order..

i want to do the following.. and will..

make new friends

go out more often and be my smile social self

be good to myself

keep working out ( though i do it everyday)

smile more

and not loose hope