Last Entry

This is my last entry. I have moved all my blogging activity over to my own site: Tears In Rain.

I won't take this site down, but I won't be back.

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There is a scar on my finger.

There is a scar on my finger.

Not a healed scar, from a cut. It doesn't hurt, not really. It's just a place where the skin is a little smoother, the flesh underneath indented, a bit.

My thumb still wanders over to the underside of that finger. It's been a year, and the alien novelty of skin is still surprising.

People who have had amputations often still feel the 'phantom limb' as thought it were still attached. A simple glance to the gap where the leg used to be will dispel the illusion. This is not so simple, when what has been removed is still here, but not here.

I guess this is grief. Something is missing. Things don't feel right, will never feel right.

'Get on with your life.' I hear. What life? That spot on my finger was never supposed to be naked to the world, once it was clothed in gold.

When someone is laid to rest, they don't come back. What they did, who they were lives on in the memories they created, in the people they touched. Fond memories, or horrible ones, it makes no difference. Seeing a picture might trigger the pain again. But...

They don't come back. Echoes and memories. Absent. If they caused pain, they can't anymore. If they caused joy, the memories still can and do.

This is different. There is no body to bury. The flesh that once was one is now two again, and there is nothing left of that body but a scar on my finger.

When old age or disease, or accident takes a person, we call it Natural Causes. We blame bad luck, or hard living, or God's wrath, or God's mercy.

When one person takes another's life we call it murder. When someone takes their own, we call it suicide.

What do we call it when the violent death of one once whole is done by part of the one, leaving two parts again separate?

Divorce.

There is a scar on my finger.

And the missing part of my life is not just an echo, a memory.

I lied about the scar not hurting. It pains me every time I see or hear about the one who caused it. The joyful memories, the absent echoes cannot drown out the tearing, ripping of one flesh into two. It does fade, after a moment. Sometimes it's not so bad. Sometimes it's more than I can bear.

It leaves a scar on my heart.

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Advice I am taking

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can
walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring
about you, coming to see you, staying attached to
you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it
might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would
have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make
them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it
just means that their part in the story is over. And
you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so
that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you
something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the
tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's
not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I
know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it
to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need
it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't
belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
>
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and
revenge.....
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or
addiction......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets
your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel
better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to
take you to a new level in Him......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken
relationship.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even
try to help themselves......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so
used to handling yourself and God is saying "take
your hands off of it," then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then.
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"

Deut. 31:8 -The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

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A little email wisdom

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, & the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand & touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can' t have them

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting & just be more careful about who you trust next time around..

12. Make yourself a better person & know who you are before you try & know someone else & expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

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A conversation with my parents

It's funny how you start really figuring out how all the peices fit together. In the process of trying to save my marriage, I've learned a great deal about why I've been depressed for so long, and how that depression contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, my relationship with my kids, and my connection with God.

One of the things that I had to face was the voice that told me I deserved to be miserable, because happiness was something other people had. People like me don't get to be happy. I never follow through on things. I'm not really good at anything. I don't finish what I start. I don't live up to my potential.

I told this to my parents, as part of telling them about my marriage falling apart. They were pretty much clueless as to how bad it is, and for how long. I said this to my Mom and Dad, and my Mom looked at me and said, "We really beat that into you, didn't we?". I had to say, "Yes. Yes you did. But you didn't know any different. You didn't know how to get out of me what I had inside."

It was a good talk. It has brought about a different perspective for me, part of my journey. The next part of this journey is a talk I need to have with my oldest son. I channeled a lot of my parents into his life, and it shows in some of his choices. But he's half my age right now. I need to ask his forgiveness for the things I spoke into his life, that sound exactly like the things my parents spoke into mine, that set me up to tell myself lies for the last 30+ years.

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Innefective Fund-Raising Campaigns

Dogfight for a Cure
Jersey City Bachelor Auction To Raise Chlamydia Awareness
Tats for Tots
The March of Counterfeit Subway Tokens
We Don't Have A Problem And We Sure As Hell Don't Need Your Damn Money Gala Ball & Silent Auction
PeTA and Hamas Pita-and-Hummus Dinner
Tree of Syringes
Everybody Get K-Fed: A Tribute Album To Fight World Hunger
PTSD Father-Son Fun Shoot
The Genital Warts Memorial Quilt
Rock Against Xenu
Enemas for a Cause
Pledge Drive For Ron McDonald's House, No, Not The Ronald McDonald House, Just This Guy Named Ron McDonald, Whose House Needs Some Work
First Annual $500,000 By 4:00 PM Or We Start Killing Hostages Telethon
Take-a-Penny, Leave-a-Penny

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