It's funny how you start really figuring out how all the peices fit together. In the process of trying to save my marriage, I've learned a great deal about why I've been depressed for so long, and how that depression contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, my relationship with my kids, and my connection with God.

One of the things that I had to face was the voice that told me I deserved to be miserable, because happiness was something other people had. People like me don't get to be happy. I never follow through on things. I'm not really good at anything. I don't finish what I start. I don't live up to my potential.

I told this to my parents, as part of telling them about my marriage falling apart. They were pretty much clueless as to how bad it is, and for how long. I said this to my Mom and Dad, and my Mom looked at me and said, "We really beat that into you, didn't we?". I had to say, "Yes. Yes you did. But you didn't know any different. You didn't know how to get out of me what I had inside."

It was a good talk. It has brought about a different perspective for me, part of my journey. The next part of this journey is a talk I need to have with my oldest son. I channeled a lot of my parents into his life, and it shows in some of his choices. But he's half my age right now. I need to ask his forgiveness for the things I spoke into his life, that sound exactly like the things my parents spoke into mine, that set me up to tell myself lies for the last 30+ years.