well folks, in order to break the monotony of my recent emo-licious posts, i thought i might regale you with a useful listing of what gaytheologian does on a pseudo-date so you can make sure NEVER to do the same. (pseudo date: not a real one of course; when it has been this long of a dry spell, flirting at the deli counter can become a date) this is loosely inspired by my own pseudo-date this past weekend; apparently gaytheologian has lost all semblance of "game." here you go:

Secrets to Sabotaging a Date, Even Though It Isn't REALLY a Date

1. show up late. forget to apologize.

2. chain-smoke camel turkish silvers all night long. make sure to blow smoke in his face, especially if he is allergic or just really hates it.

3. ask really obvious and/or personal questions. actually one could ask "anything" provided the question is embarrassing or makes him uncomfortable.

4. try to hint at your desire to hang out. realize you are not very good at hinting or doing anything subtly. try even harder, making yourself look like more of a moron than you did before.

5. bust out your loudest, most horrifying laugh every time you find something funny. make sure it looks like you are pretending to laugh even though you really ARE laughing so as to make him second-guess his humor skills. and while you are here, give an extra chortle for the situation in which you have placed yourself; you deserve a good laugh.

6. have lots of drinks. drink just enough to get to the point where you are really touchy-feely and cannot control most motor functions. repeat.

7. wear jeans and a t-shirt for months; then realize his fashion sense makes you look like a straight man, and not in the "oh you would NEVER have guessed he was straight" way.

8. whine and complain as much as possible about totally unimportant things. make sure not to let him complain about anything without giving him a hard time. the more you complain, the more convinced he will be that you really ARE a lot of fun.

9. make absolutely sure the person understands that you are MUCH more interested in them than they are in you. tell him how hot he is; say it so much it makes him nervous. make sure to mention marriage, pets, children or any other issue that you think demonstrates your desire to put the old lock and chain on him.

10. talk for 3 or 4 hours, making sure you remain the primary topic of conversation. only pause to use the restroom or drink your beer, and make sure he knows to get you another beer while you are gone. allow the other person to interject a thought only every 17 minutes and 34 seconds. as the story of your life unfolds, allow the gap between such interjections to be significantly diminished. decisively cut him off when the talks. especially when he has already asked you to let him finish talking. most importantly, be terribly opinionated and unflexible and make sure you always win the argument so he can never feel like his words matter. repeat. repeat. repeat....

next week, a new guide: what do you do if all of the above has failed and somehow the person calls you the next day anyway? find out how the master does it...

peace

gaytheologian