These are indeed difficult times! A while ago I weaned myself away …

These are indeed difficult times! A while ago I weaned myself away from my fine fountain pen and beauteous bottled ink and turned to that modern Mata Hari, the electronic computing device. having realised that such devices come neither leather-bound nor tooled in gold leaf I decided to follow Adam's example and take a bite from an Apple. Truth to tell it served me well for some years but recently it started stuttering and stumbling and I was forced to take it to the local computer Workhouse. After a week ,it saw the error of it's ways and rejoined the fold in considerably better health than before. It's disappearance from The Major's household had caused considerable uproar. I am not a drinking man - unless you count endless gallons of tea - but had I counted that amongst my vices, a stroll into a Gin Palace might have been some recompense for my suffering. This Victorian magic lantern slide illustrates my state of mind upon rejoining the internet and receiving a deluge of 400 or so emails.

Had I been letterbox been swamped by 400 ink penned letters I would have suspected a foolish prank and my postman would now be recovering from a hernia. Perhaps I don't really need all this information? Perhaps a return to the days of the horse-backed courier would make irregular contact all the more welcome whilst also providing ample supplies of manure for the Nation's gardens? At the very least people could try to soften the bitter pill of communication overload by added a modicum of wit to their prattlings. In 1843 following a considerable tussle, General Sir Charles Napier quelled an uprising in, and captured the (then) Indian province of Sind. Using a telegram he rattled off a message to the well educated, latin speaking chaps at the Foreign Office in London which consisted of ...

I AM NOT AMUSED! Let us begin by propelling that old chestnut about …

I AM NOT AMUSED!

Let us begin by propelling that old chestnut about Queen Victoria being "...not amused" into the Jules Verne stratosphere. Apparently Her Maj had a splendid sense of humour and frankly, after having nine children, you'd have needed it. By all accounts she was rather racy. The Times commented upon one of her portraits thus:

'The Queen's bosom has been deliciously handled and has been brought out by the artist in full rotundity'. Quite...