Demetri Martin

Swimming is a confusing sport.

Because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

created by Eric

Demetri Fans - see all 57

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goenfukyrself says:

i saw demetri live at meadow brook music festival last night. i sat in mud (fell in it twice first) for over an hour and i've never been so happy.

"if you're gonna fall...just say 'check this out!' right before it. then it looks like you meant to do it."
that advice was too little, too late.

"rice milk is confusing cos i didn't know that rice had nipples."
"i like it when an ex-girlfriend turns into an XL-girlfriend."

i recorded almost the whole thing. life is good.

posted Aug 25

Heather Lockwood says:

i had a really bad day, so i watched some of demetri's stuff on youtube, and it definitely turned my mood around.

posted Aug 3

The Hedonistic Calculus says:

demetri martin signed my boobs! it was a fantastic show, even though the asses at the ticket-company told everyone the show started like an hour later than it did...

posted Jul 20