Ian 2.0

Ian 1.0 is now obsolete. There were several bugs in the system that created a "sub-par"
product. The new Ian 2.0 will not repeatedly crash and result in a need for a "system restart." The new Ian 2.0 will not require patches. The new Ian 2.0 will be able to run two miles without vomiting. The new Ian 2.0 is expected to be able to lift its own body weight without breaking a sweat. The new Ian 2.0 will have a much more user-friendly interface and feature increased visual sophistication. The new Ian 2.0 will not suffer problems with body-fat, complexion flaws, or spelling errors. The new Ian 2.0 will be equipped with the latest technology. The new Ian 2.0 will feature a revamped priority matrix and a significant increase in attention span. The new Ian 2.0 will be free of ADD. I repeat: the new Ian 2.0 will be free of ADD. The new Ian 2.0 will not be held prisoner by petty issues such as laziness and jealousy. The new Ian 2.0 will be less empathetic towards the plight of strangers, and more empathetic toward interpersonal relationships. Ian 2.0 will not lose arguments with friends, colleagues, and competitors. Ian 2.0 will always occupy the moral high ground. The new Ian 2.0 will still utilize the vegetarian patch for Ian 1.12. The new Ian 2.0 will have an increased desire for knowledge. The new Ian 2.0 will read important books without zoning out for several pages at a time. The new Ian 2.0 will not be bogged down by useless information. The new Ian 2.0 will show a phenomenal propensity for information. The new Ian 2.0 will be well versed and educated in several previously unconsidered disciplines. The new Ian 2.0 will show marked improvement in the following areas: mental math, grammar, and logic. The new Ian 2.0 will feature a higher credit rating, net income, and overall net worth. The new Ian 2.0 will unveil a groundbreaking algorithm that increases the rate of "theory to action" tendencies by several thousand percent. The new Ian 2.0 will be free of mental, physical, and metaphysical crutches. The new Ian 2.0 will showcase a decrease in self-consciousness, and an increase in self-awareness. Determination will be a key feature. Ian 2.0 will not spend ninety-percent of his time wondering to do with the other ten-percent. Ian 2.0 will be more and less selfish, depending on the circumstances of the current situation. Ian 2.0 will be worth far more than the sum of his parts, his salt, and his weight in gold. Ian 2.0 will be able to prepare a wide variety of tasty, nourishing, and nutritious meals. Ian 2.0 will always do the dishes. Ian 2.0 will have a lower heart-rate and higher metabolism. Ian 2.0 will sleep more, and dream less. Ian 2.0 will learn to write with his left hand, think with his right brain, and get up happily on either side of the bed. Ian 2.0 will be an empowered, informed, and involved citizen. Ian 2.0 will be a registered driver. Ian 2.0 will not be distracted by flickering boxes, loud noises, or shiny objects. Ian 2.0 will learn to admit his deficiencies and use them to his advantage, rather than as an excuse. Ian 2.0 will feature heightened decision making skills, and not become caught in the annoying vacillation loops that plagued Ian 1.0. The new Ian 2.0 will be able to accurately separate its laundry and run the proper temperature settings on its washing machine. Ian 2.0 will feature 20-20 vision, and improved manual dexterity. Ian 2.0 will be able to keep rhythm, dance, and sing on key. Ian 2.0 will have more memory capacity that will enable him to remember more birthdays, due-dates, and anniversaries. Ian 2.0 will have less memory banks being used on statistics from sporting events that occurred in the early 1990s. The new Ian 2.0 will be funnier and less drunk, at parties. The new Ian will feature sharper wit, and a severe reduction in self-deprecation and sarcasm. The new Ian will be far more cynical but far less bitter. The new Ian 2.0 will not be content with the status-quo.

The new Ian 2.0 will released sometime in late 2007 or early 2008. We are now accepting pre-orders.