Bored to Death ∞

“How long has John been in there?”

“I dunno, I’m on marijuana minutes.”

Brilliant.

Steven Seagal: Lawman ∞

Awesome.

The Wise ∞

“This type of man who is devoted to the study of wisdom is always most unlucky in everything, and particularly when it comes to procreating children; I imagine this is because Nature wants to ensure that the evils of wisdom shall not spread further throughout mankind.”

“Ask a wise man to dinner and he’ll upset everyone by his gloomy silence or tiresome questions. Invite him to a dance and you’ll have a camel prancing about. Haul him off to a public entertainment and his face will be enough to spoil the people’s entertainment.”

-Desiderius Erasmus

I don’t know about you but I could certainly give Buzz Killington a run for his money.

You Never Go Full Retard ∞

Al and Bud Bundy ∞

In Rites of Passage, Al, for some obscure and largely forgotten reason, feels it’s time to bond with his son, Bud, and take the hapless nerd to the Nudie Bar. This sort of escapade is a rarity in the series, as the two spend little time together under more normal circumstances. That being said, the trip was a memorable one. After leaving the club, Bud asks what he should tell his mother when she demands to know where he’s been all night. Al’s response is perfect: “Well, son, you’re a man now. When your mother asks you where you were, you do what your supposed to do. You look her right in the eye and tell her we were stuck in traffic.” While completely dishonest, he does cover a fairly common issue with his straightforward answer.

Source

Home I’ll Never Be ∞

ARK ∞

The Wolfman ∞

The Wolfman hits theatres on February 12. Watch the trailer over at Spill.

Image via IMDB.

914 ∞

Got back last night from spending my weekend at my sisters place. Mum left with a huge stash of Booze, Porn & chocolate cake, I came away with awesome memories of playing Streets of Rage, Golden Axe & Alien Storm on their PS3 and sexy ass Samsung TV; I smell like farm cat though.

Looking back it seems that my mother is far kewler then I.

Doug Stanhope Says ∞

“They say if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish…. then he’s gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn’t have any money. So he’s got to get a job and get into the social security system and pay taxes, and now you’re gonna audit the poor cocksucker, cuz’ he’s not really good with math. So he’ll pull the IRS van up to your house, and he’ll take all your shit. He’ll take your black velvet Elvis and your Batman toothbrush, and your penis pump, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one, cuz’ you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn’t even cook the fish cuz’ you needed a permit for an open flame. Then the health department is going to start asking you a lot of questions about where are you going to dump the scales and the guts. ‘This is not a sanitary environment’, and ladies and gentlemen if you get sick of it all at the end of the day… not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again John Ashcroft you weird bible addict, can’t even handle your own drug. You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it. [audience member]: Hey, don’t hold back! [Doug]: You got an argument? [am] No, keep goin’!..The only true freedom you find, is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked, and then you are free to float around the system.“

“The word addiction is used far too liberally in our society and I shy away from it. If I have any addiction, it would be nicotine. I would say alcohol is more of a compulsive habit for me. I have used different narcotics for roughly 20 years and I have always used them socially, sporadically and usually sparingly. I use cocaine occasionally and sometimes medicinally – before a third show Saturday, a bump of coke can make the difference between a strong performance and just phoning it in – and I’ve never developed any type of habit, never craved it the next day. I will use hallucinogens a few times a year as well, always in a safe environment. So far as an “early grave,” I’m more concerned with quality of life. No sense in having a mint condition classic car if you’re afraid to take it out of the garage. I look as sadly at people awash in hand-sanitizer and surgical maks in elevators as they might see me when I’m pouring booze down my head on stage.”

“Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you’ve never met– all of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever… if you’re American you’ll go “Fuck the French! Fuck the French, if we hadn’t have saved their ass in two World Wars, they’d be speakin’ German right now!” And you go, “Oh, was that us?” Was that me and you, Tommy, we saved the French? Jesus! I know I blacked out a little after that fourth shot of Jägermeister last night, but I don’t remember… I know we were going through the Wendy’s drive-thru to get one of them “Freschetta” sandwiches that looked so alluring on the commercial, but then we ordered it and realized we had no money, and we had to ditch out before the second window, and those douchebags in line behind us with the bass music probably got our order and we laughed about that. But I don’t remember savin’ the French. At all! I went through the last ten calls on my cell phone and there’s nothin’–incoming or outgoing–to the French, lookin’ for muscle on a project! I checked my pants, there’s no mud stains on the knees from when we were garroting Krauts in the trenches at Verdun. I think “we” didn’t do anything but watch sports bloopers while we got hammered. I think “we” should shut the fuck up!“

One can always rely on words said by others when you are neither smart or eloquent enough, or simply apathetic to how shit the world has become.

The Crooked Tree ∞

“My kids are starting to notice I’m a little different from the other dads. “Why don’t you have a straight job like everyone else?” they asked me the other day. I told them this story: In the forest, there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. Every day, the straight tree would say to the crooked tree, “Look at me…I’m tall, and I’m straight, and I’m handsome. Look at you…you’re all crooked and bent over. No one wants to look at you.” And they grew up in that forest together. And then one day the loggers came, and they saw the crooked tree and the straight tree, and they said, “Just cut the straight trees and leave the rest.” So the loggers turned all the straight trees into lumber and toothpicks and paper. And the crooked tree is still there, growing stronger and stranger every day.”

— Tom Waits

Shit, its always something ∞

Boy do I feel like a bit of a cunt, I’ve just spent the past hour looking for virus’s/trojans/adware to come to the conclusion that I didn’t have one. I knew this day was coming but it doesn’t make it any easier, its a sad sad day. My Revoltec Lightboard Compact has finally gone & done what I have been fearing for a while now, gone insane.

I’m now stuck using this damn ancient Packard Bell keyboard. The clicking of the keys is just a sad reminder of what was. Why are good small keyboards with the ‘Ctrl’ key in the right place so hard to find. Fucking [Fn] key.

The Rebel Sell ∞

It looks like I have found something new to read, The Rebel Sell. Well, when I finally get around to finish reading How to Live with a Huge Penis. Oh & the 3 Chuck Palahniuk books I have left of course.

TED: Michael Pritchard Turns Filthy Water Drinkable ∞

TED: Michael Pritchard Turns Filthy Water Drinkable ∞

Alaska ∞

Alaska, originally uploaded by Bil Brown ☠ Photographer.

Just plain lovely.

Fantastic Mr. Fox ∞

Garfi-I Said “NO!!!” ∞

Garfi-I Said "NO!!!", originally uploaded by E.L.A (Away).

One of the most evil looking cats I’ve ever seen. More photo’s of this evil genius found here.