Jansen

Home is where the hatred is.

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:43:47 -0800

Johnny is grounded. He's depressed and oppressed. It is time for his liberation.

Rollercoaster

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 21:56:26 -0800

Today was an interesting day. It started with two dreams. One of them a (beyond) normal passive dream. The other dream was a lucid one. It was a longer one at that. Yet, it was more liberating than the past one. It involved me turning into my favorite animal, a wolf. Other things happened, but I will not go into detail about those things. I will say it was my most liberating lucid dream yet.

I do not know why, but real life just threw me off today. At least at school. I felt depressed for reasons I try to ignore. Some days those issues just tend to flare up. It is a challenge put forth that I must overcome in order to become stronger.

I make it home and have a relaxed night of work and my other goals. I watch the film "Waking Life" and my mind is stimulated and blown. A wonderful film that pertains exactly to my currently adapted lucid dreaming skills. These skills will only improve over time and I will continue it. I have had success after only a week of gaining interest.

Overall it was one of the most expansive days I have had in a while.

Stone

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 18:45:07 -0800

She stands there. He looks over and notices that she is alone. His heart beats rapidly. It feels like a hammer rattling in his chest. "Should I or should I not?" The question goes through his head as centuries pass. He turns again and she is still alone. He steps forward. The soles of his shoes become cinder blocks. Each step increases the weight. Gravity pulls and the winds push him. She looks over and smiles. He pushes further, but the Gods have answered, and that answer is "no". Another man meets her. Our man freezes. All of the forces stop and grey begins to take his body from the leg up. The other man takes the girl's hand and they walk away smiling. Our man is now a statue. Cracks run throughout his body. Through those cracks black liquid leaks. The shattering of his body can be heard for miles.

Side to Side

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 21:12:18 -0800

I love the way you move from side to side.
Can't you see me?
I'm standing there.
A wallflower without a word.

Notice me there.
Turn around and see who I am.

Did I scare you?
I didn't because you were somewhere else.
It's never real.
I'm real.
Standing right here waiting for you.

Come on over.
Don't be shy.
I'm sick and tired of putting the effort.
Chasing you around day by night.
It's never fun.

Just wait until I get my gun
And then we can have some real fun.
Don't be shy.
The mess won't be too much
To clean up after wards.

Bang.

The school year

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:56 -0800

The new school year started off rough, but it is getting better. When I first arrived at Lee I felt like shit. All I wanted was to be back at BR High. I couldn't stop comparing the two schools. There is no point in doing that. We all know Baton Rouge High is better than Lee. Lee surprisingly met my expectations. The kids, the building, and the classes are exactly like I imagined they would be. I am still not sure if I want to re-apply to BR High or not.

I want to go back because of the environment, people, and the free dress. That is all understandable until you get to the work part. The work alone is a reason not to go back. I am not saying I wouldn't do as well. I would fare much better then I did my freshmen year. Another thing that bothers me is I don't feel right in the class of 2010 at Lee. I feel my real class is BR High 2010. That alone is something that makes me want to go back. Well, everything is starting to get better. I feel I am really starting to get used to Lee. I only hope it gets better.

Regret

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:55 -0800

If there is one thing I hate, it's regret. I try to avoid it, but it keeps biting me in the ass every time I let my guard down. It isn't completely useless. I manage to take advantage of it to better myself. Even when I do that it manages to come around head on. What I hate is that I feel regret for the simplest of things. From not opening a door for someone or just not saying hi when I feel I should have. A good friend knows exactly what I mean by that.

It seems that right when I started to come out of my shell I crawled back in. At one point in time I didn't get that normal dose like I'm used to getting. Now it's feels like it has come back in full force. The only thing I can do now is push forward and prevent it as much as possible. It's easier said than done.

"White Music"

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:55 -0800

I hate hearing the term "White Music". The only real "White Music" is the crap made by white supremacists and Nazi punks. The term is most often directed towards rock music by ignorant folk. It's ironic and sickening to see a person of African-American descent call it that. I say this because African-Americans MADE rock music! This is pure fact! It was the "white man" that took it to the mainstream. Rock was never designated to a certain race. The same goes with Hip-Hop and Rap. Rap and Hip-Hop weren't made for blacks, we just happened to be the main audience. That goes with rock music. It wasn't intended for whites, they just happened to become the main audience. Think hard before you make such a bold statement.

Falling.

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:54 -0800

Hands gripping me
I've been through this before
Falling again
Falling again
Staring at me with those eyes
It's never-ending list
Falling again
Falling again
It finds my name
I hit the concrete
I fell again
I fell again

Night Owl.

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:54 -0800

The sun comes down
The endless nights with her
She hated the sun
A quiet night owl
Nocturnal
She hated noise
Only silence moved her
Reading always
Always engaged
Smiling whenever I spoke
Laughing at my jokes
Always listening
The only one that listened

Life is not fair

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:53 -0800

Life is not fair. It just isn't. We all go through pain. That's just life. We may try to avoid it, but you can't avoid it. The thing about this saying is that we all find out one way or another. It's safe to say we find out when life hits us the most: those dreadful teen years. If you survive them, give yourself a reward because it's a bitch. There is more than one experience we all can look back on in hate and regret. I can go on for hours about things I didn't/don't find fair. I won't waste my time. Things will never be fair. If they were than what's the purpose of living? It would just be some black, white, and communist world. You can't make it fair, but you can take advantage of it. Feeling a little depressed or sad? Find out why. Is it something you can change? Change it. Is it something you can't change? Figure out some way to understand it and move on. It's hard, but it's like that for everyone. It's hard for me too. I can go on and on with advice I picked up from the years, but my life isn't perfect and never will be. I hate it when people make it out to be that way. I am not an angel. I'm not perfect. My family life isn't perfect nor is anyones' else. I am not "the" nice guy, at least not anymore. I still have my tendencies, but I'm doing a damn good job of getting rid of them. I am still a good person. The only thing you can do is take the frustration in stride and work through it. Find a good outlet to let it all out. It can be music, a sport, video games, or anything else that may be constructive and doesn't harm anyone/anything. We're only human. Try to adapt and make life better. Enjoy it as much as possible. You might not be here tomorrow. I'm still trying, but I realize that it's worth it. Live your life.

My room

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:53 -0800

Imagining myself as another man
Relating to songs I can't relate to
The feeling of love I so desperately want
The pleasure of another man
The life

Counting the number of spots on the ceiling
Sitting in the same damn chair in the same damn position
Understanding
Realizing
It's all because of me

I am the product of nothing but myself
A problem with the solution but still in need of more scratch work

I'm the victim of my own work
Nothing is to blame but me

Look up...look up
I've forgotten that the sky is blue

The question...

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:52 -0800

The question is, can I understand, not deny, and live with these feelings? Can I live without suffering and with peace of mind? That is a hard thing to stomach. I ask myself and wonder. Why do I feel this way? I ask myself if there could be some way for me to change these feelings. It is so easy for me to change other feelings. What makes this any different?

Many conclusions can be drawn. If there is anything that can be said, I should NOT feel shame for them. The circumstances may be unfortunate, but I am only human. They all know it now. I'm even teased for them. At least it boiled over.

The last thing I want is for the feelings I have to destroy.

No one deserves that burden. I don't deserve that burden. There is a lot that I don't deserve, but life is unfair. I'm going to smile, tend the scars, and keep a positive mental attitude through all of it. My life is in too much of a good standing for me to complain.

In My Eyes

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:51 -0800

I have noticed a habit I dislike. This habit involves me taking my failures that involve people personally. Specifically it has been about a girl or two. I notice that when thoughts of their lives arise I feel unpleasant. It is because of insecurities of my own. It is pathetic when I get sad hearing about the happiness of a girl I wanted. I can understand the reasoning behind it. There are many of them.

I entitled these girls. I entitled them to give me happiness. I went through all of the typical emotional turmoil over them. I did not have the balls to say to even say "hi", to one of them in person. So I felt depressed, really, depressed over them. The role of victim was played and I blame the entire world. My insecurities tell me that if I can't be happy with them, they can't be happy! It is false and I'm better than that.

It is understood that they play no significant part of my life. They are friends, but only a margin from acquaintances. I don't even see them on a monthly basis. Why should I care about their personal lives? It is a waste of time for me to put all of that garbage in my head. Everything happens for a reason. I never got with them, but the emotional struggles I went through alerted me of problems I had. It is immature to dislike them in any way unless they personally inflict harm to myself.

I now remain neutral to them. I do not dislike myself. I am not going to rely on a woman for making me happy. I choose to be happy. No pity, hate, or entitlement. Just growth and happiness. It is such an easy concept, but it took a lot for me to come around to it. I am happier now than I have ever been and it is only getting better.

Summer Babe [Winter Version]

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:51 -0800

Sometimes it is best never to hold high expectations. At the very end of my sophomore year I already had my summer planned out. I called it my own "Revolution Summer". It was going to be a summer that would change my entire life. When school started I would walk through the front like an angel visiting from heaven. The main force of it all: a summer romance. That and meeting 20 plus lifelong friends. It would be just like one of those optimistic independent films.

None of that happened. Was I disappointed? No, because I still grew and it was still nice. I started working my first job and I enjoyed it. It was physically exhausting, but overall it was a good experience. My co-workers are amazing and I gained experience in communicating with people who were not my age, but as equal as I on a status level. I actually shot a film that I have become more satisfied with over time. The music thing did not quite work out until the end of the break.

It was more of a growing experience than what I had in mind. I came back to school the same way I would have if the things I dreamed of did happen. I learned that not everything goes the way you imagined it to, but that is not always a bad thing. That can be an even better thing.

I laugh at myself about what I had in mind.

The school year

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:51 -0800

Regret

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:50 -0800

this blog comes with meaning

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:50 -0800

I appreciate my past summer, but I did not at first. I was way too unrealistic, but at the time I was oblivious to that. When the summer started I barely got any hours at work on account that I was a new employee. There was plenty of free time for me to be insecure with my thoughts. The thoughts that went through my head were why the hell none of my fantasies were happening. My home felt like a prison. I spent ninety-percent of my time sitting where I am now doing practically nothing. I did not become productive until the end of the break when I began to work more.

The problem was that I compared my life to the appearance of life for others. I did this almost exclusively to the last girl I became infatuated with. She seemed to have a bolstering social life that some would only dream of. Regardless of whether this is true or not, it does not matter. Thinking like that is a waste of time. Life is different for every single human being. There are things that work for some and things that do not work for others. There are things that one needs and things that one does not.

Towards the end of summer I just stopped caring. I realized even more now that I do not need all of that to be happy. I am happy and content with what I have now. Being desperate and forcing myself to any of that would not get me anywhere. And you know what? I can guarantee that no one cares about my social life. I only have a couple of friends that occasionally give me offers to social engagements.

When it was something I cared about, I relied on others. I can not expect other people to take me by the hand and give me what I want. I have two legs of my own I can use to have those things. I can have "that" social life, but I do not care to. It is more of an effort thing. I have to save my energy for things and people that actually matter.

"White Music"

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:50 -0800

No Shame

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:50 -0800

People should not feel shame for the art and media you like. If it does not harm anyone or yourself, then shame is nothing to be deserved. I used to feel insecure about listening to rock music. Back in middle school when I first started listening to music I had a painted image of what I should be listening to. I am black, so obviously I felt that I was supposed to be listening to rap, r&b, hip-hop, and anything related. So, when I started to get into Sum 41, I did not know what to feel at first. The music excited me. I fell in love with Gorillaz then, but they felt "accepted". Sum 41 felt no where near that.

I never force myself to listen to hip-hop. Yet, I actually have favorites in that area too. Regardless it does not matter. Even if I listened to zero hip-hop/rap artists, I should feel no shame for loving my rock music and other bands. I notice that people tend to read that from me now anyway. I don't even wear band shirts the majority of the time, but people, no matter what background they have, are not surprised when they find out I listen to rock music. Bullshit assumptions come with that, but I'll leave that for another day.

It is now not about rock music in general, but I get shit because of the bands I listen to. If someone likes a band they should not deny it or feel shamed. It should not matter whether they listen to bands that are more respected or not. I can tell a bunch of guys I listen to Sum 41 and they might laugh. If they do I could easily say I also love Black Flag and they might shut up. It should not matter whether I listen to Black Flag or not, so I would not lay down that point unless they asked me too.

If you can not respect me because of that, you can go elsewhere. I will not disrespect my own beloved music because the masses think of them lowly.

Falling.

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:44:50 -0800