Yesterday evening I spent approximately 3 hours with a married couple that I had not had the opportunity to spend time with before. We sat in this tiny coffee shop in downtown Salem, where apparently they spent the entire summer without air conditioning. (...considering that the humidity was also at like 8-bazillion % it was a little warm...in fact I think I might have sweated off about 10 pounds...and all things considered...that was the last thing my body needed.) Through out our conversation the talk of getting together on a consistent basis came up and it was determined that Friday night would work best and probably look a bit like more people, movies, and texas-hold-em poker. (...so exciting) Afterwards, I went for a short walk around the block and upon returning to my starting point, I bumped into some of the "youngsters" hanging around outside this particular coffee shop. It was awesome...standing there listening to the tiny group of us dialogue about music, recovery from our different addictions and brokenness, and just bitch about life in general. But this whole weekend was weighed down by a heavy anchor of sadness. Saturday morning I returned the phone call of a friend who had attempted to reach me a week previous to this phone conversation. I'm not going to lie...I was actually very excited to talk to my friend. This is one of my closest confidants. I've trusted this person with so much of my life. I knew that when I called this person he was going to be out of his home environment in a different state...what I wasn't aware about was why. He proceeded to tell me that someone who was close to the both of us had passed away about 10 days before, and he had just attended the funeral. Now if that wasn't bad enough, this person also passed on some personal news unrelated to the death, that made my heart break...in fact...it has been quite a while since I have spent the majority of a day unable to stop crying. But Saturday was one of those days. And in thinking back to all that happened, the heartbreak was less about the events I was made aware of, and more because I could not be there for my friend.

This person shared with me some of what they had been doing in the past week to cope with all the turmoil of their present life, and I just desperately wanted to be there with him. It was the kind of breaking point where I would have killed for this person. And the simple fact that I couldn't was killing me. Regardless, of the ramifications of this, I would have spent the past week with this friend drinking every night...not because this is the best answer or the way to deal with problems (probably far from it), but because in this moment, this friend didn't need answers...just companionship...just community...just someone to be there for them. And sometimes you need to move through the process of mourning...and that may not be the nicest of journeys. But people are going to do it and sometimes they need someone there. (Now please understand...I am not saying that when ever something bad happens go and get absolutely plastered...in the end it'll just be worse.) I would much rather be the person there, then the person getting the phone call being told that the broken-hearted did something even worse to cope with the hurt.

I've been told that in Jewish culture there is a particular ritual practiced when a person passes away. When a member of your family would die, all of your closest relatives and friends would arrive at your house. They would all come inside and sit down. And then nobody would say anything. They would all sit in silence and wait for someone of the immediate family to speak. This was a symbol of companionship during this time. It was also an acknowledgment that speaking during this moment would make things worse. It strikes me how little our generation practices this type of community. Truly understanding and being there. It's really easy when a friend goes through something difficult to have all sorts of stupid cliché lines ready and available...things like, "everything happens for a reason" or "there is a plan" or if you're a Christian, "don't worry, God is in control." It is a lot more difficult to accept these when you are the person right smack in the middle of the clusterfuck of life. Sometimes a little snippy line just doesn't solve a damn thing...in fact most of the time it doesn't do anything accept make the person more pissed off. (...trust me...been there) Sometimes a person just wants someone else to cry with them. Which leads to an observation.

When you watch a powerful, emotional movie, in the middle of the tension of the story, nobody yells out, "don't worry...it'll be ok...just have faith...everything happens for a purpose." No. Instead we sit there and cry...or get angry...but we most definitely don't sit there and think, "oh it'll work out." (Granted...American cinema will resolve with the fairy tale endings...but in case you missed it, go back and read #7 in this blog series to discover my opinion about fairy tales...hint: IT'S NOT PLEASANT!) So here is my question...why the hell do we relate more to a fictional character's pain in a freak'n movie than our own friends' hurt in real life??? Why can we sit through a 2 hour cry-fest of drama and be like "that was so moving" and then walk out the door and look at someone who's life is falling apart and be like "don't worry, be happy!!!" And maybe that's because American cinema is again to blame...and the worldview before us. There is this assumption that if you just believe hard enough good stuff will happen...in the end it'll all be peaches 'n cream! Slight problem with that...REALITY DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!!! The truth of the matter is that a person doesn't just snap their fingers and "boom" conflict resolved. I hate to disappoint you all, but in real life, people don't get a montage and by the end of the song they have become the ultimate person who can overcome any obstacle. That just doesn't work.

If conflict were as easily resolved as just "believing there is a purpose in everything" we wouldn't have alcoholism, sexual addictions, drug abuse, cutting, gangs, and all the other little nasty habits people develop in an attempt to cope with hurt, despair and brokenness. I mean seriously...what purpose is there when a 55 year-old who is trying to really succeed at life, finally gets his dream job and then 3 days later is found on his futon having suffered a heart attack??? I'm intrigued by how people will so quickly say that there is a purpose, but they can never define or articulate what that purpose is. There is this story in the Bible where one of Jesus' close friends dies. Jesus spends 3 days traveling there and when he gets there he breaks down crying. He mourns...he doesn't just say, "hey, I'm Jesus...I've got it all together...check it out...be like me" Instead he cries...he grieves. And it is only after this that Jesus then says, "it is so that the glory of God may be shown" and then Jesus resurrects his companion. Jesus makes really clear that his purpose is to bring life. But what about the rest of us who can't just mystically bring people back from the dead? What are we suppose to do? It's not like we can shoot Jesus a text-message and be like, "bro...need a miracle irl!" We are left with the reality that this just doesn't happen. A finally observation about this story...Jesus didn't just walk around raising everybody from the dead. There are a select few stories where Jesus displays an amazing expression of love and resurrects a person. But he obviously didn't make this a regular or even frequent practice. So there are a bunch of people who knew that Jesus could raise someone from the dead, and were forced to reconcile the simple fact that he didn't do that for them.

I think that is one of the problems specifically with the worldview before us. They seemed to have really embraced this idea that "someday it will be better" "one day everything will work out." The problem is that most of us don't want someday/somewhere. We want right here/right now! We don't want to wait for a one day event that lies somewhere off in the future. We want to be healed right now...take the pain away now...take the hurt away now. Now there are two flawed thoughts with this and one is attributed to each system of thinking. First of all. The previous worldview does not place enough emphasis on the practice of journeying through the present pain. They are too inclined to sweep everything under the rug of a "great, content life" and going on hoping for that "glory day approaching." Just not a great way of thinking. Here is the problem with our generation's way of thinking. It is so focused on the present, immediate healing that it eventually just starts filling it with a bunch of shallow, lifeless, catalysts that don't solve anything in the end. This is a both/and scenario people. Both systems have very flawed thinking and both have very valid points.

Our generation must embrace the moments of grief and learn that people are going to go through a mourning process that might get ugly. But we must also learn to keep journeying through this. I've not cried for my friend today...and I may not cry for the rest of the week. But someday in the future that pain will come back, and I'll need to cry and find someway of working out this grief. But I will also need to keep moving. Immediate healing only comes through the process of moving. I can only find the purpose of the pain by continuously moving forward on the journey of life. It will be difficult. I will grieve. I will hurt. I will celebrate.

Learn to grieve.

Learn to let others grieve.

much love.