July 19, 2009

more than a conqueror...

it's sad and frustrating when a moment in life peels off the denial of your heart to reveal how wounded you really are. this isn't the victim blame game I'm talking about. it is the deeply penetrated lies that have found their way into every crevice of your life. it's not the stuff we almost brag about, hoping for sympathy. it's the hurt we hide, that we pray no one ever finds out about.

you're a middle schooler who is fat, effeminate, intellectual, poor, has a speech impediment, etc... and your life is ruled by the hate and insecurities of the school bullies. "fatty" "faggot" "queer" and "freak" are usual words used to define you. your few advocates are simply others who face the same rejection. your attempts for approval are met by roadblocks time and time again- you're just not smart enough, cool enough, rich enough, pretty enough, athletic enough... sorry. you don't make the cut. the truth of your value is hidden, and is replaced with a lie. a lie that is reaffirmed over and over again by the words and actions of those bullies. and even more affirmed by the parents and teachers who did nothing to stop it.

at times there may be abuse other other natures. actual physical abuse teaches a child that they aren't allowed boundaries. anyone who deems himself or herself above you may touch you and hurt you. the same goes for sexual abuse, boundaries are lost.. but also the wound of a sexual abuse victim will not just degrade their physical nature.. it will devalue and pollute the validity of their emotions, taking away their right to say no, and will pervert the sanctity of their innocence.

emotional abuse might be experienced when a child goes his whole adolescence without hearing "i love you" from his parent or guardian. a parent might withhold affection from a child until the child performs to their liking. this teaches a child that in order for them to receive love and approval they must meet up to certain standards.

in a particularly religious home a child might experience spiritual abuse when they are forced into a faith of fear and shame. i know that for me, i was constantly aware of my actions because i was scared of losing my salvation... but once again, this is value based on a performance scale. another form might be not having the freedom to decide for yourself, negating your ability to think and feel for yourself.

we are all human.. parents and children alike. there are no manuals for parents, telling them how to raise their children without ever causing them trauma. of course some parents are just straight up cruel. some parents should have never been allowed to have kids. we should have just wired up their legs and snipped off some parts. i have no tolerance for those who abuse kids. but, as in the case of my home, most of the time the wounds a child receives from his or her parents are often unintentional.

almost every man has a father wound. we men are designed to learn from the example of our fathers. unfortunately, when we are young we are more sensitive to the need for their approval. i remember a time that my father and i were arguing. i was in the second grade. we were standing in the driveway behind our log cabin. i forget what we were fighting about, but i do remember that at the end of the yelling he called me an idiot. the fierceness in his eyes and the tone of his voice penetrated deep. it's simple, and some may call it silly, but that moment changed for years my own perception of myself. school became harder for me after that. my confidence in my intellect was challenged.

one of my favorite authors, Robert S. McGee says this about our struggle to find our worth amidst our wounds, "Our desire to be loved and accepted is a symptom of a deeper need- the need that frequently governs our behavior and is the primary source of our emotional pain. Often unrecognized, this is our need for self-worth."

it is humbling and at times humiliating when someone else can look at you and tell that you are insecure. most of the time people can tell because of the ways in which we try to cover up and medicate our wounds. and boy do we- partying, drugs, alcoholism, shopping, sexual promiscuity, sarcasm, constant humor, always being the life of the party, workaholic lifestyles, militantly perfectionistic......... we seem to be walking defense mechanisms! it's all just so extreme. always trying to numb the pain, gain the approval, act certain ways... anything to divert the attention from the real thing that is controlling our motives- the lies that we believe subconsciously.. the lies that have dug deep, making wounds.

the only way to overcome these wounds is to replace the lies with truth. in our arrogance we often have the answers intellectually, and therefore we can still avoid feeling the pain we spend so much energy and effort covering up because when anyone comes asking we can just spout out the appropriate responses, allowing us to remain invulnerable.

the journey from the head to the heart can be the most painful, and yet the most fulfilling you'll ever have. we were intended to feel. God allows us our feelings. the good AND the bad. you can't understand or receive true love until you've known hate. you can't know true joy until you've known pain. you can't appreciate the brilliance that a moment of confidence can bring until you've been insecure. God works in all things to bring redemption. our job though is to open ourselves up to it.

another Rober McGee quote says, "your healing can only go as deep as your awareness of your need for it". the infection that is a mistaken worth takes it's roots deep, and the deeper you can cleanse, the deeper the healing.

so what is the truth? well, I'm a christian. but i will be the first to tell you that sometimes the cliche' answers don't work. it's all great to hear someone say, "you aren't alone, God is with you".. but dammit, sometimes i just want God to show up! sometimes i just want to experience an intervention from my god that will truly redeem my pain. the problem with this mentality? who am i to demand from the One who created me? the beautiful part? the part that does truly begin to bring redemption? he loves us enough to show us truth, even when we don't deserve it.

your value is equal to that of a life. YOU are worth dying for. YOU are worth loving. YOU are worth believing in. YOU are worth a risk. YOU are of the intellect that God intended for you. YOU are beautiful because you are made in the very image of your CREATOR. YOU are not a mistake. YOU are lovable. YOU are worth remembering. YOU are not alone. YOU are a precious son or daughter of a creator who has not just seen every tear and heard every moment of anger and disappointment, but he experienced it with you. He too mourns the fallenness and brokenness of this world. and ya know what? he's God, so if he wanted to snap his fingers and fix it all, he could. but at the end of the day, "he loves us enough to give us the independence we demand" (William P. Young, The Shack). and it's true. we each want the freedom to make our choices, to commit our sin, to judge and hate and gossip and backstab and to have our arrogance... it was for that freedom that Christ died. and it is with that same heart of love that God walks beside us, feeling our pain, validating our thoughts and experiences.

as we wait for god to bring redemption, to heal our woundedness, the best thing we can do is to learn to be vulnerable. honesty is paramount. we are all fucked up. the best thing we can do is be honest, allowing friends and family to come beside us and help us walk in truth. i am blessed by having people around me who allow me to grow and change at the pace God leads me at.

i pray that you who are reading this may gain from it a peace, knowing that you are not alone in your struggles, that our God is big enough to handle our questions, fear, anger, doubt, and even our rebellion. be honest. be vulnerable. come alongside me and all the other wounded folk who are tired of feeling broken.. let's encourage and love each other while we wait on the Lord. Let's provide safe places for each of us to fall apart, as God puts the pieces back together.. as we uncover the TRUTH about who we are and what God has in store for us.

It's going to be ok. one day at a time. one lie conquered at a time.

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July 19, 2009

all there is...

"Trust, and then verify.." Ronald Reagan

I recently had a new but instantly dear friend offer my boyfriend and I some advice. She said, "Keep love simple"... but then she followed up with "If only our feelings would always let it be so!"

I wish at times I could crawl inside my head and scratch away the memories of lies and rejection. This would make trust so much easier. I know that for me, in my short 22 years, I have seen my fair share of false truths, just like everyone else. Now, in my current status in life, I look around me and I notice that the people who I trust, the minority in my life, are all people who have been constant. I know that this is probably a "no duh" statement... but i wish it weren't. I wish a man's word could still be his bond. I wish our yes' were still our yes' and our no's our no's. I wish that communication was still pure enough to never have to question motives. Honestly, I just wish we all could know each other the way I believe we were intended to.

I think it's sad that our world has become so corrupt that friends and dateables can come and go, all without ever having invested enough to trust them...

I must say I consider myself blessed. I am in a relationship that, although it developed from friendship to courtship quickly, is taking it's time to develop a deep trust. Anything worth having is worth time, and as in any relationship, it's all about communication. It's an exchange of the "I" mentality for the "we". It is understanding that I am no longer an island.. what I do effects someone else. I am somewhat responsible for guarding not just the love found, but the heart I am loving. I must learn that my needs are not necessarily the needs of my partner, and I must seek to find theirs out while communicating my own. Every single action must be mutual, and from a sincere interest in perseverance.. not based on manipulation or cohersion.. and here-in lies a root problem in most relationships..

We enter into relationships, I myself have been guilty of this, where all you can think about is your own needs. We manipulate others, twist words, and fabricate feelings all so we can ensure our heart's survival. We want to FEEL love, but we won't take the risk. We're scared of being hurt, but ultimately we end up just using the other person, and feeling used, and the pain we sought to avoid hits us right between the eyes. Why?

We don't trust! It's like we've tied a fishing line to our heart, cast it out to sea, and when a fish that's pretty enough, popular enough, and together enough takes a bite, instead of releasing it, we reel it back in! Now, I know that was a lot of commas, but that's what we do. And it's not fair to either of the "fishes" involved. I think most of us like the thought of love, but fear it's actual cost. And it will cost us.

I look at it like this, my man knows my insecurities and he knows that trust is a slower process for me. I tend to test the fabric of a relationship at each level the relationship finds itself in. While I don't doubt for a minute how he FEELS about me, the item being tested is not the feelings of love, but rather the amount of labor and the caliber of labor being invested. Love is beyond feelings (that which we don't choose), it is a verb.. therefore it is an action.. a deliberate choice. It is important for two people who want to see love grow to be equally invested.

What tends to happen is one will put a little out there, and then wait to see the other respond. At this point in the trust process our expectations can be a big problem. Sometimes, after we put forward an investment in our relationships, we then expect an immediate return. We have to (I have to) remember that our lover may be different.. He or she may need time. I've come to a place where I am much more satisfied by the fewer but more GENUINE acts of love, than a fabricated plethora. I have to CHOOSE to trust that when I make an investment, big or small, whether it's noticeable to him or it's just an inward choice, I am also choosing to let him reciprocate at his own pace. And the risk involved is worth it, because he is worth it. Fortunately for me, the grace is returned... and as long as we communicate about these things, impatience and dissatisfaction is less likely to creep in, but when it does, we talk about it.

It's ultimately a question of purpose and identity. Are we after feelings, or are we after commitment? Are we willing to NOT lose our own identity in another person, and at the same time embrace the individual identity of the other? We must be first ok with ourselves, and then we must give our partner the freedom to be themselves. If you choose to love someone, you're choosing to respect and cherish all aspects of them.. You see, within the realm of pure, free love I believe imperfections are blotted out. "Two become one".. this phrase found in biblical scripture is a good way to put it. It's not one conforming to the other. It's not one Lording over the other one. It's a mutual and communicated compromise. It's action. It's verbage. It's love.

I consider myself a new Christian. I was born and raised in the church, but it's only been in the last few months of my life that I've begun to really see who God is. If you don't believe, please keep reading. I'm not gonna preach. I am though, going to throw in a different perspective.

My mister and I dove into our relationship because we had a mutual hunger for truth. We both want a relationship with God. I have found in the last month that my ability to trust is truly being put through the fire. It is being refined and I am seeing the benefits, but it is hard. In order for me to trust my partner, I have to trust myself, and in order to trust myself I have to trust God. I have to believe that God is who He says He is. I have to believe that what he says about me is true. He says I am valuable. He says I am desirable. He says I am important, and that the ideas and questions he put in my head are valid. He says that how I feel, though not always based on truth, is always valid. He assures me that I am lovable. If I believe these things, then I have a standard by which to hold my relationship. I am charged by God to shine light on these truths in my partner's life. To constantly reaffirm these truths for my partner, because these are the truths that the world will try to break down. These actions of affirmation are acts of love.. it is proactively fighting for love against the the misbeliefs that creep into our hearts that will destroy love. It is a choice to do this but ultimately it's an act of love that will allow each of us to be strong in the Lord individually, allowing us to be strong together.

At the end of the day, love is simple. I choose, not how I feel, but how I love. I choose to trust. I choose to communicate. I choose to serve. I choose to take the risk... because at the end of the day, that's all there is. Love.

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