jem

6

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 19:53:41 -0700

NYE08

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:14:44 -0700

54959_3020

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:02:54 -0700

MmmmCrab...

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 11:54:52 -0700

meg

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 15:30:30 -0700

The world can be a very big place
So be yourself don't feel out of place
Love your man and love him twice
Go to Hollywood and pay the price

Oh go to Hollywood

And don't be a star, it's such a drag
Take care of yourself, don't begin to lag
It's a hard life to live, so live it well
I'll be your friend and not in pretend

I know you girl
In all situations

showtime

Thu, 31 May 2007 13:45:45 -0700

NightOfPoorDecisionMaking

Thu, 31 May 2007 13:44:21 -0700

malibu

Thu, 31 May 2007 13:44:19 -0700

bestthingaboutthewestcoast

Thu, 31 May 2007 13:44:10 -0700

Win a Date with Yours Truly

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 15:00:10 -0700

There is a fantastic new dating show on Kansas City local station, KSMO TV. It's called Not My Type and the set up is one contestant and 4 potential daters. The producers' goal is to find 4 people "you'd never meet in real life," i.e. people who are very opposite from the main contestant. This is both a recipe for disaster and a golden ticket for hilarity. I could only catch the last few minutes of last night's show where they interviewed last week's "winners" about their date. It was Jessica "I absolutely hate cocky guys" and Ryan "I'm the ultimate cocky ass wipe." She looked thrilled to be back on television with the d-bag. They assured the host they "had fun" and would certainly "remain friends." Read: we hate each other- this show is the worst thing that's ever happened to my social life. It was marvelous. Needless to say, I've signed up to become a contestant. It probably took a good 2 hours out of my work day to compose my stellar application. Some questions were easy; What kind of food do you hate? (bad food) What would you say is your absolute best feature? (my entire facial region is pretty nicely put together) Others were a bit more time consuming; Why do you want to be on Not My Type? (how do you explain that you want to be a local celebrity without saying "I want to be a local celebrity?") Describe your ideal mate. (Thankfully I've already penned a blog on this topic) There were also about 15 questions insuring that I am not a complete creep, stalker or felon. I found this, while irritating to fill out, somewhat comforting. Then I had to submit a head shot. I feel this is what will insure my selection if my witty application falls into the hands of someone who can't appreciate my intelligent sarcasm and charm. So all in all, I'm pretty excited to be on TV. I encourage any KC Metro guys to also fill out an app in hopes of being chosen for my episode. (http://www.myksmotv.com/yourcity/6706867.html) I look forward to sifting through your faults and embarrassing you on television. Since the goal of the show is to pair me with someone I'll most likely despise, all of those with the following characteristics are encouraged to apply: boring, college drop-outs, country music fans, golfers, NASCAR enthusiasts, ignorant idiots, bad spellers, meat heads, tribal tattoo lovers, salesmen, dog lovers, men over 30, misogynists, Thomas Kinkaid fans, vegetarians, guys with bad jeans, and Republicans. I can't wait!

Haiti

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 01:03:33 -0700

forecast for this week: weather: 98 degrees with 90% humidity and 110 degree heat index sleeping conditions: bednets, no a/c, roosters, bunk beds sustenance: strictly bottled water, mangoes, beans, sugar cane travel: unpaved roads, motorbikes, walking language: broken french, broken english, completely mysterious creole attire: tennis shoes, cotton skirts, tanks, sports bras goal: do not get malaria, teach haitians the meaning of the word "budget," try not to be a miserable bitch the whole time and have some fun biggest fears: marriage proposals, diarrhea, boredom saving graces: haitian rum, lindsey, internet access see y'all on friday the 13th! Well, after this I should think nothing of falling down stairs -- Alice in Wonderland

one? two? twenty-five?

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:37:39 -0700

Tuesday is girls night. We go to a new bar every week- or at least start at a new bar every week. We began at a jazz club downtown, the Phoenix. Music was excellent, atmosphere was so-so. I'll probably never go back, but I'm glad I went. I need to venture more. So even though we were adventurous for traveling downtown we ended up at Harpo's for quarter draws... never a good idea. We had lost a few ladies on the way so it was just three of us... the perfect number for some serious gut-spilling. I, obviously, would never bring it up but we began talking about past relationship (go figure, girly, I know). I stand by the claim that I have the best pity story, which I tell with appropriate "fuck off" nonchalance. Irrelevant... so someone brings up the age old question, "so what's your number?" F that! well, when I'm not drinking.... So I listen to the two of them tell their stories. One of a puritan and one of a whore. I managed to change the subject before revealing my own but now I'm thinking- who really even cares? Does it matter how many people I've slept with? Does that make me a better or worse person? Am I required to submit my "number" to anyone who asks? even if I plan on sleeping with them? I mean, it's always going to be embarrassing unless the two of you have the same number (within a 2 point margin). If my number is low, does that mean I'm unexperienced, naive and boring? If it's high am I unworthy of a serious relationship? If you need to ask anything, shouldn't you be asking if I get tested regularly? Someone who's slept with 3 people could be just as dirty as someone who's slept with 15! Just depends who you choose to sleep with. Shouldn't you ask how good someone is in bed? Just to make sure it's worth upping your number. Can you ask to see the goods beforehand? Why waste? (but seriously, size doesn't matter....) Am I contemplating because I'm ashamed? guilty? pathetic? embarrassed? Eh, who knows. All I know is I'm not telling. And that doesn't make me a bad person.

Cleveland Invades KC

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 13:17:31 -0700

My family is coming into town today. For some god forsaken reason they decided to drive from Cleveland to Kansas City instead of flying- that's about 12 hours. I'm really pumped because 12 hours in a car always leaves people in a good mood. To top it off I'm cranky because I thought it would be a fantastic idea to make "Awesome Thursday" (which actually took place on Wednesday this week) last until 1:45am. I'm sleepy. I don't know what I'm going to do with my parents and little brother all weekend- and I have no idea how long they're staying. And I just saw all of them in March- which might sound like a long time for some people but I think every 6 months is right on target. I'm excited to see my brother though, he's pretty funny- and I mean funny strange not funny haha. And my Dad is coming prepared to clean my entire apartment top to bottom. Quote: "Well we're going to have to take all the furniture out of your room so I get get the baseboards." Nice. I'm glad I'll be at work while this is going on tomorrow. Oh yeah, and my mom is bringing me tomato couscous from the westside market. yum. Ok, now I'm feeling better about it. thank you "dear diary" =)

Exactly Why You Shouldn't Get Married

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 14:45:42 -0700

I believe the Arctic Monkeys know where I'm comin' from: Fluorescent Adolescence You used to get it in your fishnets Now you only get it in your night dress Discarded all the naughty nights for niceness Landed in a very common crisis Everything's in order in a black hole Nothing seems as pretty as the pastel That Bloody Mary's lacking her Tabasco Remember when you used to be a rascal? Oh the boy's a slag The best you ever had Is just a memory and those dreams Weren't as daft as they seem Flicking through a little book of sex tips Remember when the boys were all electric? Now when she's told she's gonna get it I'm guessing that she'd rather just forget it Clingin' 'til I'm gettin' sentimental Said she wasn't going but she went still Likes just a minute to be gentle Was it a Mecca dobber or a betting pencil? Falling about You took a left off last laugh lane You were just sounding it out You're not coming back again. Other than sexual stagnation I witness, on a weekly basis, why people should not get married. Or at least not without abandoning the naivetè of monogamy. Just two days ago one of the sleaziest guys I know married his virginal 22 year old bride. I wonder how he'll explain it to her when she gets the clap. "Sorry honey, couldn't wait for you so I've been hitting on/sleeping with anyone who'll look at me. But now I'm all yours! Pinky swear!" Congrats you kids! An "open relationship" is looking better and better... I've recently been accused of being "jaded," so maybe it's just me. But I think I'm just a realist. And I believe in love! But I think it's much harder to find and keep than all these idealistic 24 year old running to the altar do. My take is, marry your best friend because that's the strongest kind of love and if the Arctic Monkeys are right and your sex life dies at "I do" at least you'll have a partner you still like to be around while clothed. And then you can become swingers, baby! ~toujour l'amour~ An addendum per reader request: Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide. The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?" The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Jem's truly outrageous ideal Faux

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 14:57:20 -0700

In no particular order: 1. Good hair (faux-hawk preferred) 2. Tattooed/Pierced (guyliner optional) 3. Looks underage (don't worry, I'm like liquor store-I always ID!) 4. College educated (independently wealthy can be substituted for actual course work) 5. Able to finance my drinking habit 6. Can handle my irritatingly obsessive relationship with my best friend 7. Sexually adventurous- we're talking watches porn for pointers 8. Borderline stalking me 9. Tote hilar! 10. A delightful mix of "starving artist," "rocker," and "corporate suit" Bonus points for: glasses, geeky computer skills, severe emotional baggage (matching, obvi) and a fondness for tequila See Pics

StL Luv

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 11:56:41 -0700

I have a friend getting married Saturday in Peoria, IL so Friday night I'm stopping in StLouis to stay with some friends and pick them up before heading to the world headquarters of Caterpillar, Inc. Is it horrible that I'm more excited to go out in StL than see my good friend get married?? As soon as I get in, around 6, I'm going to see my old hair stylist (does anyone know a decent stylist under the age of 40 in kc!?), going to eat at 609 where they have crab and lobster eggrolls I salivate over in my dreams, and then bar hop down the Loop with my long lost stl bffs! How I miss the Loop! darts at Blueberry Hill, shows at Ciceros and the Pageant, shopping at Ziezo and Rag-o-Rama, wine at Brandt's, and bad decision making at the D Lounge! sigh It's everything I wished Westport was! St Louis is far from my ideal city but I still miss it sometimes. It reminds me of college and old friends and working at Starbucks, being young and irresponsible! mardi gras and concerts at the arch, nights at the casino until 6 in the morning, trips to the east side at 7pm on Sundays! bowling at Moolah, hating/loving Pin-Up, breaking into swimming pools on "school nights." I miss sunday night dinner and wine with my favorite foursome which always led to the therapeutic heart to hearts that happen far too infrequently these days. Oh yeah, and 6 years ago when I moved to St. Louis I would have never thought I'd ever say it but, I really miss the pizza too. =( I suppose the wedding will be fun as well. I mean, I've always wanted to see Peoria!! And the bride has been plugging a "tequila wave." Not sure what that is, but sounds like the kind of wedding I want to be a part of. Pictures to follow, I'm sure. Plus weddings make people feel in love- and that's always fun! I love love!

Proust Questionaire

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 16:01:59 -0700

*Your most marked characteristic? Realism, hedonism, autonomy *The quality you most like in a man? Wit, loyalty, creativity *The quality you most like in a woman? Wit, genuineness, independence *What do you most value in your friends? Wit, punctuality, perceptiveness *What is your principle defect? my weakness for material possessions- expensive ones *What is your favorite occupation? sitting outside with a good friend, good food or a good book; laughing; listening to music *What is your dream of happiness? to be in love, to love my job, to feel safe, secure, proud and accomplished *What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes? to contribute to a world filled with violence, ignorance and environmental irresponsibility *What would you like to be? in love, a good dancer, 5'10" *In what country would you like to live? this one *What is your favorite color? some shade of all of them *What is your favorite flower? Poppy *What is your favorite bird? *Who are your favorite prose writers? John Irving, Kurt Vonnegut, Albert Camus *Who are your favorite poets? Edna St. Vincent Millay *Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Henry deTamble *Who are your favorite heroines of fiction? Scarlett O'Hara *Who are your favorite composers? *Who are your favorite painters? Ingres, Modigliani, Fischl, Degas, Caravaggio, Klimpt *Who are your heroes in real life? anyone who is content with the life they've made for themselves *Who are your favorite heroines of history? Cleopatra *What are your favorite names? James, Maureen, Megan and Sean *What is it you most dislike? boredom, anxiousness *What historical figures do you most despise? *What event in military history do you most admire? Pacifism *What reform do you most admire? public education reform in the US- esp anything against No Child Left Behind *What natural gift would you most like to possess? humility *How would you like to die? without fear *What is your present state of mind? I've wistfully got on my rose colored glasses *What faults do you feel most tolerant of? vanity, daydreaming, social climbing *What is your motto? My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends-- It gives a lovely light!

Buy Some Good Karma

Thu, 31 May 2007 14:10:20 -0700

Wine tasting and Haitian folk art exhibition tomorrow night to benefit Healthy Mothers- Healthy Babies Foundation and Maison de Naissance, a birthing home in rural Haiti. Come check out some art and drink some wine with us- because you know that's what you'll be doing anyway. June First Friday June 1, 2007 7:00-10:00pm Art's Incubator in the Crossroads Kansas City 115 West 18th Street, KCMO Flights of 6 wines: $20 Maternal and newborn mortality rates in Haiti are the highest in the western hemisphere and among the highest in the world. Mothers and babies die because of the restrictions of poverty. Most deliveries must occur at home without the benefits of prenatal care, education, or a trained birth attendant. Hospitals are far away, ill equipped, and costly. Maison de Naissance is a maternity center designed as a birthing home. Our mission is to provide preferential care for mothers and babies in extreme poverty in Haiti. The services of a modern maternity center are offered in the hospitality of a safe, culturally appropriate, welcoming, and friendly home - a house of birth - Maison de Naissance (www.maisondenaissance.org)