Empty communication
sleepless lives
buttons connecting
with wires intervening
we lie.
we cheat.
we steal.
uncontrolled meetings
any time, any place
if my right hand fell off
and time ceased
id be alone
id be unhappy
id be unsettled
but i crave that
if my phone were celibate
if i were afraid of heights
if my feet didn't have wheels
or my heart actually cared
if i loved myself
if i didn't hate the sound of your name in my ears
if my mouth didn't taste bitter when I saw you
its when your voice scratches my eardrums
and i can't breathe when your holding me
that your breathing patterns make me gag
so your neediness is out of control
and i don't understand the words from your mouth
and your laugh makes my skin cringe
your ignorance makes my brain hurt
sometimes I dream about giving up
settling down...
but i think id hate myself for that
if the right one came along...
well i doubt that too
id probably just date his evil twin
until i lost interest in him too
i hate your attitude
that you don't care that i have no feelings
but you continue to pour your feelings into me
don't you have enough self esteem to realize
we can pretend all day
but i'm getting old
i'm tired of this game
ive got other things to think about now
like how i hate the sound of my own voice
or how i feel like i sold out when i have to be fake every morning at sunrise when thats what time i normally sleep
how when i catch the reflection of my polished hair and makeup I feel like I sold my soul to the corporation.
When did I "grow up"?
and how am I more in debt now with an adult job than before when I winged it.
I love that I'm making people proud... and I love not sitting at a desk... and I love to travel...
but I feel the need now more than ever to please... to be everywhere at every time and every beckoned call.
Could I possibly ever be truly happy and if I were than would I feel unsettled?
I find comfort in misery... it's unusual I think... but thats when I write... and when I write I feel a peace...
It's an uneasy peace... but I feel comfort in that feeling.
If I were to be one day unattainable...
if my right hand were to mysteriously fall off...
if i were to just disappear into the sky...
if maybe i married a stranger in italy and never came back...

maybe i'll flip it and find my comfort in the now...
i love how soft your skin is...
i love when you don't even realize that your smiling when i kiss you
how excited you are with the littlest effort i put in
i've been on both sides... i understand
i love the constant attention
the need that you have for my attention
i love morning messages, evening messages
i love having you on call 24/7
I love that you are everywhere at anytime i need
i'm trying to be a lady about this
i don't even make you pay most of the time
i think maybe I actually do feel guilt
doubtful but its a nice thought anyways.
how is it that when i stopped caring that you care.
when I cared he didn't care.
maybe you feel like you can make me settle down.
you realize I don't want to be barefoot and pregnant in that ugly kitchen?
I don't even want to be pregnant and barefoot in a pretty kitchen either.
that's your dream... not mine.
I'm not sure what mine is... but I'm pretty sure you aren't in it.
You will do for now... that is until you talk again.