THE U.S. PATENT & TRADEMARK OFFICE
Taking the intellectual out of intellectual property

Before they are bad inventions, they are bad patents.  But how do patents make the quantum leap from a bong-circle aside to a production line in Qingdao?

By U.S. law, to qualify for a design patent, an invention must have some usefulness, be novel, and be nonobvious.  Determining just how much you fit these criteria lies entirely in the hands of the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office (USPTO).

So what kind inventions are actually awarded with patent protection from the USPTO?  Check out below for some of the more crazy ones I could find.  Keep in mind: these inventions were actually awarded.  If you click on the patent's title, you can actually read the full United States patent.

From the legal desk: The first three of these patents were originally featured in the Crazy Patents section of FreePatentsOnline.com and are not my discoveries.  The rest are mine and result from a well-spent lunch break.

KISSING SHIELD (AND METHOD OF USE THEREOF)

Finally kiss your prostitute good-night!

US Patent Number: 5,787,895
Inventor: Deloris Gray Wood
Date of Patent: 04 August 1998
Favorite quotes:

The kiss is one of the first forms of affection that we display to another.  It seems only natural that we should start at a fundamental level and teach "safe kissing" before we teach "safe sex".

A kissing shield is for casual kissing.  It can be used especially by a politician who kisses babies.

APPARATUS FOR FACILITATING THE BIRTH OF A CHILD BY CENTRIFUGAL FORCE

In the year 2000...

US Patent Number: 3,216,423
Inventors: George B. & Charlotte E. Blonksky
Date of Patent: 15 January 1963
Favorite quote:

It is known that due to natural anatomical conditions, the fetus needs the application of considerable propelling force to enable it to push aside the constricting vaginal walls. With more primitive peoples, nature provides all the necessary equipment and power to have a normal and quick delivery.  This is not the case, however, with more civilized women.

METHOD OF SHARED EROTIC EXPERIENCE (AND FACILITIES FOR SAME)


The EPCOT of carnal pleasure

US Patent Number: 7,086,998 B2
Inventors: Vince & Liz Bugliosi
Date of Patent: 19 October 2004
Favorite quotes:

In making love or masturbating while watching [adult-oriented prerecorded videocassettes or digital videodiscs], these couples or individuals are, in a disconnected way, participating in sex with the persons on the small screen, although those persons are not physically present.

In big cities... young people well into their twenties often still live at home with their parents, but need a private place to go for watching adult entertainment and having sex.

MALE EXERCISE DEVICE

Add your most important muscle to the exercise routine.

US Patent Number: 6,805,663 B1
Inventor: Alfred Dana, III
Date of Patent: 08 August 2006
Favorite quote:

Start out light with one or two balls to warm up.

RELIGIOUS LAMP WITH FLUID FLOW

Spews our Lord's holy blood on the half-hour!

US Patent Number: 7,118,242 B1
Inventor: Joyce Yulee
Date of Patent: 10 October 2006
Favorite quote:

The applicant has found a need for more interactive displays of Jesus being crucified on the cross.

DOG WASTE CATCHER & HOLDER

No more waiting for it to hit the ground

US Patent Number: 7,090,268 B2
Inventor: Setsuko Borman (that explains the anime dog)
Date of Patent: 15 August 2006
Favorite quote:

Dogs tend to excrete.

HUMAN WASTE MANAGEMENT SUIT

The Chernobyl port-o-potty

US Patent Number: 6,920,646 B2
Inventors: Caleb Clark Crye, Gregg M. Thompson, Eric Owen Fehlberg
Date of Patent: 26 July 2005

USER-OPERATED APPARATUS FOR KICKING THE USER'S OWN BUTTOCKS

If I invented this, I would kick my own ass

US Patent Number: 6,293,874 B1
Inventor: Joe W. Armstrong
Date of Patent: 25 September 2001
Note: This applicant notes that his design is an improvement on U.S. Patent Number 920,837, "a device disclosed for the lifting and spanking of the user for secret society initiation ceremonies."  That patent, awarded May 4, 1909, is in turn an improvement from an even earlier fraternity hazing patent dating to July 31, 1900.  Do I hear "new pledge project"?

Get your learn on:

Look up U.S. Patents straight from the source, the US Patent and Trademark Office

Read about an "ANTIGRAVITY SPACE VEHICLE" patent awarded in 2005.
See the actual patent

Check out more of FreePatentsOnline.com's precompiled "Crazy Patents". 
Registration required (free).

Peruse Wikipedia's extensive Patent law category