So I haven't done a blog entry in awhile. To be honest, I haven't really felt like it. I have been wrestling (or "wrastling" here in South Carolina) with a few things. "Do share," you may be thinking, so I will... The next few lines are me being completely honest and vulnerable. I actually debated sharing this at the fear of being seen as a "winer". But I know you have all thought the very same thing...

Have you ever been standing on the edge of something really amazing, and it just never happened? I mean, something you have been hoping and praying for. Or maybe you don't exactly know what it will look like but you know it will be huge if it happens. You can feel it, and you know, "When THIS happens, things will be different." Yet it never comes. Well, I have been there. More than once in my life. Standing on the edge of a football scholarship in 12th grade - breaking my shoulder in the first game of the year. Helping a friend through his alcohol addiction - him running off and giving in to the addiction for the fifth time. Looking at a "for-sure" record deal - and not getting a phone call. Fighting half my life for a dream - then feeling like I am supposed to give it up... not for something bigger or better, but to walk toward uncertainty. I don't mean to sound so "woe is me" I just wanted to get the point across. I openly admit, it is a fight sometimes to push bitterness away, and let hope shine. So where is the silver lining?
I feel like this is a question we all have asked. There is something inside of each person that asks for resolve, for a pay-off. Is it pride? Is it a martyr attitude, "I have done this so I deserve _________ ." Is it a healthy or unhealthy question?

These are some of the questions I have been struggling with the past couple of weeks. And through friends and my daily devos I felt like I needed to set some core values. Kind of a corporate word phrase I know, core values. I was reading in Mark 12 and realized that Jesus had core values. When asked, "Which is the greatest commandment of all?" Jesus answered love God and love people. That got me thinking, I need to know what is truly important in my life. What things has God asked of me? To love Him and love people.

Sure I still have questions: Are these desires in my heart because He put them there? Or are they simply selfish ones? Why are talents that God has given me not even being used? Should I push for those talents and dreams or should I be still and wait? Should I wait on my leadership to hand me vision or should I hand them vision? Can you get whatever you want if you work hard enough for it or does it sometimes just not happen? Is it a cop-out to say, "God is sovereign, He will work it out" and then wait? Or like in Exodus when God told Moses to go and quit waiting; should I just do and trust God to guide my steps?

Yep, I definitely have questions, and I probably always will; however, there has been a change in me. I can not be afraid to ask God the hard questions, but who am I to demand that He answers. This is His world, I am just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

So, through this I am learning that I want to love Jesus more and love people more. That should give me plenty for now to work on.