As you get older three things happen. The first
is your memory goes, and I can't remember the
other two...
-Sir Norman Wisdom

One of the most difficult things in the world
is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs
money.
-Edgar Watson Howe

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success!
-Doug Larson

A harmful truth is always better then a useful lie!
-Eric Bolton

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a
new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work
that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-Erno Philips

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
-Robert Paul
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-Victor Borge

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
-W.C. Fields

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-Will Rogers

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-Mickey Rooney

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children,
unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
-Tim Allen

If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' -
they leave skid marks.
-Rita Rudner

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-Erica Jong

Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive.
-Elbert Hubbard

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-Wendell Johnson

In life, it's not who you know that's important, its how your wife found out.
-Joey Adams

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
-Henry Youngman

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
-Benny Hill

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