This may sound horrible, but I feel the stress of doing nothing hitting me hard lately. I apologize to those who have so much to do that can't fit it into a week with a normal sleep schedule. And maybe I should reprase things.

There are things I want to be doing. And when those things don't come to fruition, I don't want to do anything else. I sit around and wait for these things to happen. And then they don't.

I try to fill these periods with activities that make me feel normal, make me feel worthy, make me feel fulfilled. Like cleaning, cooking, reading, listening to music that I haven't heard before.

I struggle with trying to enjoy myself. My life. I can't put my finger on it. It's somewhere between those two things. I don't hate myself, and I don't hate my life. Maybe it's just the holes and gaps that I see and feel that draw my attention. But these missing puzzle pieces have been gone for a long time or at least not a constant. It's not that I didn't know. Maybe I just didn't care. That was working very well for me. I was becoming content. Content has such negative connotations though. I was a nice blend of content, apathetic, ignorant (as in not knowing). Bad connotations again. Normal. That is what I'll leave it at.

Then. Glimmers. Mirages. Brass rings. I don't need those things. I dwell on them incessantly. They suck time and thought processes and emotion and life. I don't necessarily have a lot to spare. Especially the latterest. Since a good chunk of you, maybe all, are older than me, I feel bad for saying that. But you were here before me. You were once 23 and change. Right now I see everyday as a day closer to my death. These days need to be used to their fullest extent (not to say that I do use them that way, I'm just sayin) and not wasted on endless, looping, revolving, pointless, wearying thoughts. In a way, I have no one to blame but myself for letting my head be oversaturated. But I can't retreat further in. I can't stick my head in the sand. That would be so hipocritical right now.

Sorry for being so vague. But I haven't worked it out for myself enough to properly and unabashedly go into detail.

P.S. This is from a pessimistic view per se. I like to think of it as more of a realistic view. But that's also skewed from my bias of 'expect the worst, hope for the best'. Right now, I can't come at it from that nice side.