So I cant sleep AGAIN. Big surprise right. We all know I have a sleeping disorder. Its totally bullshit. I refuse to take drugs to sleep however without something, I just cant sleep. Its been this way my entire life, i think im screwed ha.

Ok, so I was talking to a very dear friend who played a roll in my life early on when our band was starting, and when we left to Hawaii. She has remained in my life, thank god and she is a single mother. Dad is a deadbeat for the most part, you know the deal, you have seen it before.

It got me thinking about my parents. I am a statistic. Parents divorced when I was very young, 6 to be exact, total broken home status, cheating was involved, physical and verbal fighting the whole nine. Im not going to point fingers because I love my parents very much, however I would be lying if I said shit was perfect and that I was not traumatized by what I saw and what took place. Ill save all those details for a book one day, if I ever finish it. ha.

So, this friend of mine, we discussed love, sex without love, cause were essentially like "bros" so we talk about feelings and all that shit. We keeps it real. I said this too her when she described here "being single" and I wrote this because as you all know, I dont pull shit with you guys. Im as real as it comes. Im a very spiritually and religiously grounded person however I am also very connected with "the world" as people like to call it in church (which btw, i dont attend, not because I think its crap, but mainly because Im more down with the personal relationship verse the organized, throw your hands up in the air even if you dont feel it relationship) pros and cons to both mine and theirs, but mine works for me and I hope, for god to some degree. Not perfect, just real.

We discussed loving someone, and the act of "loving someone physically" which we can call sex, fornication or the street term, fucking. Once again, im getting gasps from people thru their computers, I can hear them and feel them as I type and its burning me up haha. Just being real, from all aspects. I like to think im really well rounded. So I told her this....

"I also know what you mean about the whole "fucking", and disconnecting from emotions aspect. When I broke up with XXXXX (thought we were gonna get married, i was a big fat puss, etc), i feel like thats all I ever did since then, even if i were in a relationship for over a year or whatever, it just felt...disconnected. Im ok with that because im always safe and everything I do is never with any malice and for that moment I share, it is filled with a sense of love and respect even if its just that moment but mainly because even if we are hooking up I need to feel a connection physical and emotional even just for that moment, but that doesnt have to carry .. with i love yous and stuff, just respect for ones being, health and heart etc. I have done something I know I wouldnt be happy to tell my parents but I have lived a life and still continue to grow in all my experiences understanding more about who I am, what is right and wrong in not only my eyes, but others and most importantly for me, gods eyes.

(for those assuming that just because I am in a band, I sleep with anything and everything like some dudes in bands do, you would be INCREDIBLY mistaking. I think I would speak for all the dudes in my bands. Pretty good dudes.)

We then went on to talking about being a single parent. I have 2 dogs and somedays, they are so hard to keep up with that I do not even know what I would do with kids... seriously ha. So i told here this...

"Im really proud of you for accomplishing what you set out to do. I know that raising your child ontop of your goals must be a tremendous task and I can only imagine how much it takes out of your body, spirit and soul but at the same time, I can only imagine how much it gives to those things as well. The yin and yang, ebb and flow of everything. life is so fucking cool. I love it."

It got me thinking...

there are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many mothers and fathers out there, single, raising children. It is incredibly inspiring and I dont know why I didnt think maybe more about this, but thats the really awesome thing about life. You will have a conversation and certain things will POP that open a new item of knowledge in your life. Almost like a video game where your like "TADA you have completed the level, you move on to the next level"

This new blessing, and gift tonight came from talking to here and then reflecting on my father and how much effort he put into bringing up to rowdy and i mean ROWDY boys! It gave me an incredible sense of happiness and joy and it inspired to be grateful towards my wonderful father even more so than I already am. The dude is my best friend. My mom is the shit too. We all had really rough times early on but now, things have seemed to just work themselves out. Its like, when your young, and they say "you will appreciate this when your older, you just cant understand this now"

Little moments like this are the reason I am glad I have sleeping disorder haha, I just said that, but yeah, its moments like this, that make very stoked to be alive and sharing in these moments and I just wanted to give all your single mothers and fathers out there tremendous love and support. What a blessing one, to be able to bring new life into the world, but even more so, to guide it and nurture it into the person it will eventually become. All because you gave a shit you know? Isnt that awesome.

Anyhow, Im off to continue writing this small book on motivation, desire and passion. I sound like the movie announcer guy right? haha. When I am done, Ill let you all know. It will be awhile for sure. All this time home has inspired me to write more music, books, paint walls, learn new recipes etc.

k, im out xo