Google Shares for: February 13, 2009

Google Shares for: February 13, 2009

Google Shares for: February 13, 2009

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Google Shares for: February 11, 2009

Google Shares for: February 11, 2009

Google Shares for: February 11, 2009

Colonoscopy

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald on the subject of Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all ...

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there? so she will quit telling everyone that I have Cranial Rectal Inversion & Optarectalosus'

Humpday Hilarities

Google Shares for: February 9, 2009

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!! At the end, choose 10 people (or more) to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

IN YOUR SENIOR YEAR DID YOU...

1. Did you date someone from your school? Nope.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? Nope.

3. Did you car pool to school? Nope.

4. What kind of car did you have? A Chrysler 5th Avenue (aka "the tank")

5. What kind of car do you have now? A Hyundai Santa Fe

6. Its Friday night...where are you now? At home or out with my girlfriends.

7. It is Friday night...where were you then? Most likely at the football game.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? Cashier at Dairy Queen.

9. What kind of job do you do now? Web designer for UAB.

10. Were you a party animal? Not really.

11. Were you considered a flirt? Nope.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Not during my senior year, no. I was more into sports by then.

13. Were you a nerd? LOL, yeah pretty much.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled? Nope.

15. Can you sing the fight song? Yep, LOL!

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)? Mrs. Dawkins, Mrs. Dunn, Mrs. Wallace, Mr. Bradford, and Mr. Parker

17. Where did you sit during lunch? In the lunchroom with my friends.

18. What was your school's full name? Corner High School

19. When did you graduate? 1993

20. What was your school mascot? Yellow Jacket

21. If you could go back and do it again,what would you do? Study more!

22. Did you have fun at Prom? Not really, my Junior Prom was a lot more fun.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? That's a big 'no' there.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? Certainly!

25. Do you still talk to people from school? A couple, yeah.

26. School Colors? Black and gold.

27. What celebrities came from your high school? None that I know of ...

Senior Year in High School ... BACK in the Day!

Google Shares for: February 10, 2009

The FoxNews snippet was quick but highlighted the band's journey as well as well as featured my personal childhood heavy metal heroes, Metallica. It seems James Hetfield gave them the guitar off his back after their latest show in New Jersey.

While this is a great story, Acrassicauda is not the only band struggling for the freedom to pursue heavy metal dreams. Remember a while back when I highlighted a story about Brutal Impact, a heavy metal band from Iraq going through similar struggles? These are the two we've heard of so far ... so how many more are out there?

Here's a vid of Hetfield presenting the guitar:

OK, Metallica ... you've done some really assholish things over the past few years, but that was just freakin' sweet! Just for that, I created a new category for any 'good' posts that I write about you -- "Ok, maybe they're not so bad" LOL!

Seriously though, rock on, guys. Rock on!

For the love of metal

Wander with me a while

Google Shares for: February 8, 2009

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Comments: - Though I don't agree with some of his views, I really enjoyed meeting him and wish him luck!

Comments: - YAY!! Sunny's famous again!

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Comments: - God, I hope they don't screw up this movie.

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Comments: - *gasp!* Love love LOVE!!!!

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Google Shares for: February 6, 2009

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as ...

PINO MORE

This one I got from Daily Jokes:

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Humpday Hilarities