moving on.

hey world.

i've used this blog for the past year and a half to help figure out my life. and when i've needed it, it's been the most amazing thing for me. seriously. it's helped me figure out a lot of who i am, where i want to be, and what i want to do.

but as you can see, i've kinda been updating less and less often... and i'm running out of things to say. my life's actually been pretty hectic, the drama's still there, but i've just run out of new things to say here. rather, i don't need to say them here, i'm comfortable and content dealing with them on my own.

i'm not saying i won't ever be back... but this may be the last time you hear from me in a while. i've got to deal with a lot of this shit on my own, and live my life. now that i'm out and exploring it, gotta do it to the fullest.

if you ever did take the time and read this blog. seriously, thanks.

thanks a lot.

nyz

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into you.

hm.

steve's over. again. i'm looking at him in my bed as we speak.

i like deyo.

steve's hot.

i don't really know who to choose, where to go. they both have benefits and setbacks.

but right now.... i'm going to get steve. i want it.

nyz.

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surprises.

ok so here's my life as of late. because it seems like in a few days, every aspect of my life was rocked to it's core.

my fraternity got caught by nationals for hazing violations. which is very, very bad news. could mean we lose our charter, absolutely means no pledge classes. who knows what the house is in for in the coming months. i think we have a lot to worry about. but its times like these where we come together as a brotherhood. i'm not trying to speculate anymore beyond that... but it just sucks and it makes me feel bad for neglecting this house as much as i have.

also.

steve finally told me that he has feelings for me. after a fucking year of drama and after me telling him i like someone else. FINALLY. i really don't know what to do at this point, i like them both, i dont know where to go from here. i've had steve over since then, i've talked to deyo this week as well. i don't really know what to do. on one hand, deyo and i are soo similar and have so much in common. but with steve... its like opposites attract. i cant really see myself without steve, especially now that he has these feelings i've been waiting for him to have. i cant turn my back on steve when we never had a shot at something real, and i cant turn my back on deyo when he's been really good to me. so i don't really know what's going to happen in the future. we'll see.

i also lost a dancer. i'm currently scrambling for another one. we'll see.

i'm really too drained to talk about any of this anymore.

nyz

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twisted.

this weekend was weird.

fun, but weird.

i really really like this guy, and i proved that to myself this weekend. i don't know how i feel about that. it really scares me. literally every night, i just kept thinking about him. it bothers me... because i don't exactly know what i'm getting myself into, and it's always a battle of not coming on too strong, not knowing what the other person thinks, holding back. it's strange. he's so not my type. he's actually, really, REALLY not my type. but there is something about him that is more intriguing than any other guy i've ever liked. girl, even. and its an extreme turn-on.

we'll see where it goes. i don't like waiting for someone. i don't like continuously thinking about them, wondering if they're thinking about me.... mehhhh it sucks.

nyz.

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cycle.

long time no talk, virb.

i've learned a few things since i last posted. one of those things is that a lot of what i post isn't always going to be the truth. i try for it to be. but things change.

steve and i have hooked up twice. and i dont regret it. when it comes to him, i'm able to separate any sort of feeling from just having a good time. so there's that. garritano and i have decided to just be friends. so there's that. and i'm moving on from both of those people.... hopefully i can be good friends with the both of them and that will be that. i trust in my friendship with garritano enough to know that we will definitely be close friends. steve and i... well, we'll always have that weird thing that we have. i wouldn't even really address it as a friendship, its.... whatever.

but it's november, the month i always fear because something strange always happens every month during it. i start to like someone or i have a tragic falling out with someone i do like. sometimes both. so now that i've come out, i kinda am extremely nervous to see where life will take me now.

one thing i did decide is that i'm going to stop blabbing to my friends about my love life. at least for a while. the reason being that the more i talk about it i feel like the more important and more dramatic it becomes... and thats not what i need it to be. i need to play it a lot cooler and roll with whatever happens.

who knows. i'm talking to guys now... not so much girls.... but who knows what will happen.

who knows.

nyz

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wildlife.

i cant really understand things sometimes.

i know that you can't help who you're attracted to. i get that. because i can't help but like nick. at the same time, i can't understand how he doesn't like me. i just don't understand. and it's frustrating waiting for him to figure himself out, even though i promised that i would. i just don't really know how to read him or the situation or where its going or whether i should just continue to get my hopes up about it.

other than that, life has been wild... what can i say. i just want the whole nick thing to be figured out. and i don't really want to wait until November for life to come around. steve and i are done for good, and i'm realizing that i wasn't doing it for nick but i was doing it for myself. so we'll see where that decision gets me.

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free.

i laugh because you think i'm still the same person i was before the summer. it amuses me, honestly. the childish games, the going out of your way to invade my space. i dont need you anymore- maybe, yeah, at one point in my life, you were what i needed, but now? not at all. i'm so happy with my life, and it sucks that you can't be a part of that, but at the end of the day, the drama is done and over with and too old and pointless to bring up. i'm so beyond and so moved on from whatever happened one year ago that i don't really care. i honestly wish you the best happiness... but i'm just so done limiting myself to you. i'm freeing myself from this, i'm freeing myself from trying to escape and always coming back around to you. it happens too many times and i've been letting go for the past seven weeks. now's the time where i finally just... go.

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meh.

i feel alive this morning, like i need to get on my personal bandwagon and get that shit going. today's gonna be a great, great day. i realize that when i don't get the sleep i need is when life fails. meh.

anyway. just to vent and get it out of the way.... tried to text steve monday. no response. which is cool. whatever.

nyz

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decided.

wow.

stayed in last night and i feel great this morning. i think i just needed a night off to stay in and relax. tonight is my workshop... and then heaven & hell 3!

solange "i decided" randomly came on just now and it's exactly how i feel about my life.

"i was a little different,
i didn't do what the fast girls do
studied my rhythm,
and you could speed me up when you want to, oooh
they were too cool to run my race
you kept the pace with a smile on your face...
then i knew it was you."

i know i'm a good guy. and i'm tired of playing the game other people's way. random hookups just aren't fulfilling to me. i deserve someone great, and i deserve a great match, not just a great hookup. so i'm going to stop being what i consider a slut. i won't mess around just to say i can. i know who i am and i know what i want, and yeah, college is fun and i've had my share of fun... but in the large part, i don't need to go around and go through those motions. i shouldn't get caught up like i have been. just live life, have a good time. but take it easy.

other than that... i feel good. i can't decide whether or not jason or steve is the more awkward friend, but i think i've decided just to be done with them both. i understand that me and jason can never go back to the way that we were before, and the reason is not because of just one of us, it's both our faults and the person in between us. and i'm making the conscious effort to not hold it against him, but at the same time, i can't pretend to be his boy anymore. so until he decides to talk to me... and at this point, if he did try to talk to me, i would just brush it off. to be honest, it's a mix of a) me not caring what he has to say, and b) knowing that whatever he had to say would do nothing but upset me thoroughly. so in that regard... it's best for us to just let it go.

steve... meh. we see each other in public and ignore each other. we have different lives now. it's really not that serious anymore. do i care TO have him in my life, sure, i'd like to anyway. but do i care IF he's in my life? everyday that answer is a stronger and stronger "no." i've learned how to stand on my own. and i'm living a life now that i've really always wanted to live. am i fully there yet, no way, but i am thankful that the whole situation with steve got me to a point where i'm happy in my own skin.

it's a rare time of happiness. could i be happier? not really. i know that my life at this point is void of drama and full of exploration. which i much prefer. i feel like time has slowed down and i get to really sit down and figure things out. or just go along for the ride without fearing the drama.

i have the janet jackson workshop i'm teaching tonight! i'm nervous because the choreo is so out there that i don't know how people are going to receive it.... i love it obviously... we'll see!

later folks

nyz

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beyond.

today i was feeling sexy as hell so i choreo'd janet jackson's "feedback" today. it's really pushing my artistry to a new level because its stuff that a year ago i would never have dreamed of coming up with. it's sexy, fierce, edgy, rough... i love how i feel when i do it! haha wicked cool, can't wait to teach it tomorrow.

as for the rest of my life... it's extremely interesting. there hasn't been any drama. none. after not talking to someone for five weeks, you kinda realize that you never really needed them in your life in the first place. i honestly can't even imagine what it would have been like having steve in my life this semestser. i really can't, just because i'm so... beyond it all, i really am. i don't need him, i did for that period in my life, which is great because it really helped me develop, but now, i'm over that whole situation.

while there's been no drama, there's certainly been what i like to call "interesting developments".... lol. i've been bringing guys home, which is freeking WEIRD. its strange because i still feel like a straight guy even when i go out with gay guys and i'm realizing there's pretty much nothing that's going to take me away from having straight (or at the least, straight-acting) friends and living a mostly straight lifestyle, not even a boyfriend.

it's just strange because i'm not unattracted to girls... but i'm so much more attractive to guys, i think. girls see me as another guy. guys really find me to be cute. and i mean... what environment would YOU choose? so much more fun when you can be chased instead of doing the chasing yourself.

that's all for now... workshop tonight, party tonight. SLEEPING ALONE! lol... i hope.

nyz

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capture.

i feel so good right now. i'm actually kind of just getting out of the mood of "lovestoned/i think she knows"... i choreographed today in the dark, and it was awesome. i was so proud of myself. i AM so proud of myself... it's exactly the mood i wanted to be captured, and i legit have been putting everything into it, so i'm really happy about it and i can just hope for the best right now... because i could always just not get the piece. it's so moody and i've had so many ideas and concepts for the piece that i honestly couldn't be happier. its gonna be so insane.

i'm playing britney spears "anticipating" right now... don't know why it's just like what i need to hear. i realize that that's just what i need to do sometimes. sometimes i have just stop chasing and just be happy about what's coming for me soon, even though i don't even know what that is just yet. i'm happily anticipating the rest of this semester. i don't exactly know what's in store, but i'm happy. i'm very happy. even after last night, which was kind of weird, i look back on the history of the past year, and all i can be is so grateful and extremely happy that it's gotten me to the point where i am right now.

i know that i'm a rollercoaster, but life is a rollercoaster. and as much as sometimes i hate the ride, the ride is all that i have. so right now, i couldn't be happier about that. tonight i dont want to deal with boys or girls, i wanna just be me.

my mood is right, it's on, it's on tonight...

nyz

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forgiveness.

i'm going to do right now what i've been saying i've done and what i've needed to do for a while now. i always say things, but once i make it real by publishing it, it is out there and it will be truth.

steve.

i forgive you.

you've done a lot of fucked up shit to me. you have never treated me like a real friend. you've never done anything i've asked of you, and i've never asked you for much. you've blatantly hurt my feeling and then you've blatantly tried to hurt my feelings. again, and again, and again. and i've fallen back into you so many times, and i finally decided to cut you out of my life because i just could not handle our friendship- or what we called a "friendship".

but you know what? i have to move on. i can't hold so much animosity in my heart anymore. i've legitimately despised you... but i can't anymore, man. i just can't. i'm legitimately forgiving you for everything that's occured in the past year of my life. i forgive it all. i have to. i can't wish the worst upon you anymore, i can't desire to see you fail anymore, i can't make you want me. i just can't. and now is where i stop trying. i totally forgive you, i wish you the best in everything, i truly do, and i hope that you're happy in your life, and i hope that you come to terms with who you are. i hope you realize that i never meant any harm, but i can't help it if you don't. i just need to be happy on my own, and i can't do that holding the negative feelings for you that i do.

like i said, i forgive you. all the negative energy, all the hatred... i'm just done. maybe will talk again, i hope we do, but if we don't... i'll accept that. but i'm done trying to hate you... all the mistakes we've made, all the times you tried to hurt me... i forgive you.

nyz

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wanted.

i annoy myself sometimes. i want to be wanted by someone so badly... and it's not that i'm not wanted, i'm just never wanted by people that i want myself... i can't stand that... i've just been single for so long and while it's great, i know i'm an attached type of person. mehhh.

that's really actually all i wanted to say. i just have to keep reminding myself sometimes to just scale back and try not to force things into existence. after that, life's good.

nyz.

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reassurance.

i'm determined to make this a happy post.

i love that i have this blog here to look at past moments in my life and be proud that i went through them. i get to look at the drama and my life and just say to myself "wow, i never thought i'd be strong enough to beat that..." and somehow miraculously i do. as shitty as i've felt at times about this semester, it's been honestly fantastic not having drama in my life. i feel a lot more easygoing and a lot more carefree... a lot more "whatever happens, happens." i'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants when it comes to this life... i'm simply actively not caring very much what people think of me or who knows what about me. because at the end of the day, like asher roth would say, "my good friends is all i need."

and its the last year! and its the last chance for sooo many opportunities in life that i can't waste complying with other people. it's time for me to FINALLY do me. i'm so much more comfortable in my own skin... i'm not necessarily the most confident in my life at this point, i'm a wee bit apprehensive, but i've never been braver and i've never been stronger. and that is what is making me happy.

till then, peace out...

nyz

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flirt.

i wish that nick would just like me. like... i do enjoy playing along with him, it's fun and silly, and it's like flirting with absolutely no pressure at all. which is nice. it gives me an outlet for my flirtual frustrations, even if i still end up in bed alone at night. of course its going to frustrate me at times. but i mean... what can i do. I like someone and they're willing to let me like them. so why not play?

sigh. boys suck. i'm gonna stick it out for however much longer i can, because im still in an exploration mode, kinda. BUT GODDAMMIT HE'S SO FUCKING CUTE!!!!! i hate it, i hate him, i hate myself for liking him, i hate him for being so attractive, I HATE HIM FOR BEING SO FUCKING CUTE! gee whiz...

meh. one day at a time, best advice i could have ever recieved for this particular situation. goddammit i wish you could just make people say and do everything that you wanted them to. alas, that is not life's way. for now, i will just keep on playing the game, and we will see what happens.

well i am sitting across right now from longtime straight crush james and let me just say... it is awesome. he is a dreamboat! haha i'm ridiculous. but ohhh my life. nick is gorgeous and i have a huge crush on him and he knows it. so i'll play along until i find someone that may like me back. then we'll see what happens. if he just winds up wanting my attention just to have it, then hell, i'll play along for a little while longer.

that is all for now. i've been studying for this test that i'm absolutely going to bomb tomorrow. and let's not even get started on the other test i also have tomorrow.... mehhhh life is gonna get interesting. at least after everything i get to have dinner with nick :)

later

nyz

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chasing.

mehhh....

i'm in such a confusing place right now. i feel like i'm forcing too many things in my life. i feel like i'm forcing love, or forcing myself to like someone, or someone to like me. i feel like i really should be letting life happen instead of trying to make it happen, but at the same time, i've never been a passive person and i can't afford to be. my identity as a person is probably what's the most confusing thing in my life, and since i don't have that decided for myself yet, what i do about it is even more troublesome.

also. its pretty much a safe bet that i'm going to see steve tonight. i'm going out with my friend marx and he's steve's little, and he told me steve would be coming with us. so i mean... its whatever. i'm not afraid of steve, and we don't have to talk. so it's all good.

that's all for now. i hate being so confused, but i'm glad that it's gotten to this point where i'm comfortable exploring.

nyz.

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sabotage.

so this is my life lately.

i've spent this semester so far turning down every hookup i've been offered. i turned down samora, veena, steve, rachel, sami, and joe- after i did hook up with him once. i don't know what i've exactly been waiting for, but i am definitely holding out, for reasons unknown. no hookup situation has ever seemed right to me, and it's just been wrong for me to indulge in something that's going to get me nowhere. i do not know what it is that i want right now, and until then, i need to just relax and float.

the weird thing is, even though i wouldn't have done it, i was still trying to talk to joe last night. maybe its just because i wanted someone to want me... who knows.

i literally have gone four weeks without talking to steve. its strange. i see him out in public and i dont approach him, and he doesn't approach me. we exchange glares. that's it.

thats all for now. people are being retarded. later.

nyz.

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independence.

so this weekend i'm gonna try and not talk to nick. not ignore, because if he texts me, i'll totally respond... but in order to not get my hopes up about the situation and sort of not be as involved as i unfortunately already am.

i also removed my "interested in" on my facebook profile. its something that i decided i needed to do for myself. sooo yeah. two more classes and then this weekend commences. and i'm playing everything cool.

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losing.

sooooooooo.

my life? kinda in shambles.

i'm not talking to one of my best friends. the guy i like likes another guy who tried to hook up with me. i feel alone. i feel just so disconnected from the world today. i feel like i don't know my place, or where i am and where the hell i'm even going. i was so determined to go out and explore who i am but it seems like doors are just closing in my face and i can't handle where to go from here.

frustrating.

i feel like i had this amazing sense of self and now i'm losing it, because i keep trying to find myself in other people. its frustrating because i completely go from being so content being on my own to being so desperate to find someone else. its so aggravating. i dont know if i want a guy or a girl, i dont know if i even want a relationship, i just dont know the position i've put myself in, let alone where to go from here.

sigh. i've just gotta figure out a way... to get through this.

nyz.

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withdrawal.

so its been about 4 days since i've decided not to talk to steve. it's completely strange, being strong enough to completely just turn my back on someone. i look forward to the friends that i do have, and i absolutely can't believe how lucky and fortunate i am to have them in my life. on a friends level, i don't think i've ever been happier with my friends in my life. yeah dana bugs the shit out of me sometimes, but you take the good with the bad. especially andrew, though, its been surprising. very interesting talking with your straight friend about a gay hookup. but andrew is extremely cool about it, and it makes me appreciate him that much more as a friend, seriously. the last person i really am worried about telling other than aarthi is jay, just because i honestly don't know how he'll react to it.

but when it comes to steve, i have to admit that the withdrawal is getting tough. its really just because we left on such shaky ground and i still have things i would like to say to him but i can't. but sometimes silence speaks so much more than anything else... and i think that me not bending is showing him in a way that he's never seen before that i mean business. i'm not the kid that i was a year ago, and he's not just going to get what he wants out of me and then just ignore me for anything else. i'm willing to be there for him if he needs me, but i can't go through the drama that i've been going through with him anymore.

unless he decides to rationally have a conversation with me, i'm simply done with it.

other than that, senior year is going extremely well. gotta love this life.

later

nyz

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