Wednesday night I remember praying at church with everyone that I wish God would break my pride before my pride broke me.

It's such a dangerous thing to ask of a God who hates pride and is more than willing to grant this sort of request. After 10-years of knowing God, it still astounds me how he works.

I guess you could say that pride has been the root to a lot of my issues in my life. It's pride that keeps me from repentance, its pride that keeps me from authentic relationships; it's what pride that puts me in positions of compromise and temptation.

This week has been tough. It's been very up and down emotionally; a lot of stresses at work all while a lot of amazing things are going on within Lighthouse and Great Adventure.

My good friend Ali from Dubuque, who is a fellow leader at Lighthouse (a college ministry) called me at work Thursday afternoon and had asked me to take her place praying in a separate room while Benji spoke. I kind of bucked at this request; it was a very strange request. I mean I love to pray, but I don't pray all the time. At some points I don't even like to pray, I go days, weeks even with out praying a single word. It's only those times when I'm asked to within the context of a bible study or the like to I ever really pray anymore. I hesitantly said yes and a couple students and I joined together outside of the meeting area to intercede for Benji as he addressed a hundred or so college students.

I remember saying as we came together that this should only take about 10-minutes and then we were going to go back in. I can't explain to you what God began to do in my heart during this time of prayer. These poor freshmen from a conservative bible college were probably a little taken aback at the fervency of what was said. God began to speak to me to not only intercede for Benji for specific things but to also to intercede on behalf of specific students that I didn't know about certain issues going on in their life.

I guess all this surprised me. I mean after all I'm not a prayer. I've always admired those who can go into 3, 5, 10 hour long prayer meetings, I never thought I could, but lately I've had this huge burden to pray.

After Lighthouse several students and I went to Perkins to have pie and coffee; an important weekly tradition that has been a huge catalyst in building community within Lighthouse. We had this amazing conversation about philosophy and moral truth. And God was glorified through our dialogue. I had the opportunity to speak into students lives, and they taught me things that made an impact in the depths of my soul.

I came home tonight to spend the weekend with my mom as my Dad is gone the next couple of days. We were sitting on the living room watching an interview with Singer/Song writer Michael Buble on some news channel. My mom shared with me that she ran into the wife of someone that I looked up to greatly during my high-school years. I guess this women, whom I have not spoken to since I was 19 (over 5 years ago) asked really negative and patronizing questions about how I was doing. My mom didn't understand this because she didn't know to what capacity I knew her husband. Really my communication dropped off with him after I left town for the first time. Really he doesn't even know me anymore. So for him or her to say anything negative about me, to my own mother no less was upsetting and disappointing.

Things like that bother me a lot. I don't like when people are angry at me, or have negative feelings towards me. It drives me crazy even, it keeps me awake at night and it plays in my mind over and over again.

I went out side and walked around a bit at watched the sun go down over my moms tomato plants and sat and stewed and finally decided to pray. I gave it to God and I forgave this women.

I've never done that before, I've never forgiven someone with out really confronting them at least once.

I walked back inside and sat back down and began watching the interview with artist Michael Buble, and I swear that God used something Michael Buble said to teach me something.

Buble said that one night he was performing at American Idol a couple years ago, right before he became known and popular. He said that he was so nervous and freaking out due to how much publicity was involved. He said that after he got done performing the entire audience went crazy applause.

Everyone except one person, Simon Cowel.

"He just sat there in disapproval," Buble said. "Shaking his head with his arms folded" and he never forgot that. He said that kept him awake at night and it hurt, a lot.

He shared that if he performs to 10,000 people, and he sees one person not enjoying themselves, it doesn't matter that 9,999 other people had a a great time and enjoyed his singing, that one person can affect his life for days.

After He said that I remember God telling me that it truly doesn't matter what the one thinks, that let the fruit of my life speak for itself.

I guess this is another way of God slowly starting to break my pride down. The prideful side of me wants to e-mail someone, call someone, and gossip about this person and receive validation that she was in the wrong and that they had no valid reason to say such things.

I guess God is calling me to something else. Though e-mailing and gossip feels good it only puffs me up more.

Somewhere in Mark, Jesus talks about being honored every where except his hometown. I think that is true. The most discouraging things I hear come from where I group up, and by those who are closest to me.

Erwin McManus one time said in a sermon one time that it is those closest to us, which almost don't allow us to change. They always remember the old you, and they constantly remind you of who you once were.

I have changed and grown so much since high-school, a lot of people can attest to this. A lot of growth, the majority of it actually has occurred in the past year I think, though a several month stint of pure hell.

I am still growing, I am still learning what "dieing to myself" means. I am still learning how to carry my cross. I am still trying to discover what it means to Follow Christ. I am still trying to figure what my life is going to look like and what I am going to be doing in three years.

I want God to take my pride away because it is my pride that keeps me from change. The very change needed to live a life that not only God desires, but a life that I actually like. I am terrified of losing my pride because I don't know what all I will have to give up. What ever it is, what ever the cost, I know I would rather have nothing to do with God, than to go back to the place I once was