i want to be important to someone.

i want to matter.

and twice in the past 6 months 2 boys have made me feel like i don't matter.

maybe i just don't.

i'm sorry for making it so you don't want me to matter to you.

i never meant for it to be this way.

or maybe i did. maybe i knew this was inevitable
so i decided to make it sooner rather than later.

i'm still sorry.

i like life. :)

fuck everything right now.

once again,
i can't sleep.

i may start taking tylenol pm or nyquil or benadryl at like 10:30 in order to pass out at a decent time.
or i may start drinking.
but i know if you drink, you don't get a very restful sleep, so i'm thinking the pills.....

i'm just all sorts of fucked up lately and i don't care.

alcoholic
whore
insomniac
pill popper

at least i've been sort of studying.
i miss my friends a lot.
i want my best friends to be in iowa city and i want to be able to hang out and do stupid shit.
i want to be 21.
i want to be a genius and have school come easy
i want to not feel like a slut just because sex isn't a big deal to me
i want to not feel inadequate because i wouldn't be able to handle having a job, being in mock trial and APO as well as have a job while only taking 14 hours

i want so many things
but this is what i get
this is what i have to deal with

just hoping shit happens doesn't mean it's gonna happen.

sometimes it scares me that the only time i'm really ok is when i have a drink in me.

that boy really fucked me up.

i'm awesome.

i need to not have a phone when i'm drunk.actuallyi need to not talk when i'm drunk.
i say and do rather inappropriate things. 
like talk about blowjobs and sex.
yup.i'm awesome.

not so secret anymore

if i had the guts to go to the postsecret thing here and stand up in front of everyone there and tell secrets, here's what i'd say:

you take advantage of how much i care for you. i think we both know that. but i will continue loving you. and you will continue failing to love me. it makes me hate everything every now and again.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if we got together. if we could be where the hurt stops for each other. sometimes i think that'd be nice. but of course, we can't make feelings out of nothing. and i'm sorry for that.

stop smoking please. i want to be best friends with you forever, but i'm afraid that won't happen if you don't stop smoking.

for a while i was afraid you were legitimately an alcoholic. but i'm glad you're not.

you're stupid. really. most of the time you're just stupid. i'm your friend, so i'm saying this: stop being so stupid.

you're an asshole. i like you and all, but god, you're a fucking asshole.

i never liked you. my mom didn't like you and now i don't like you. get off your high horse, please.

i don't know how you do it. i'm NEVER having children. i hope you made the right choice.

fuck you. seriously? fuck you. if i ever see you again, i'm punching you in the balls.

i miss you. can we be friends again?

come find me, please. that one night was so much fun. i'm sorry it was awkward the next morning. i'd just never really done that before. but you're nice and i randomly think about you sometimes. it'd be fun to see where things went.

i don't think people understand the extent of my fear of spiders. when i was a little girl, i was a tomboy and didn't care about spiders. in fact, at girl scout camp, we named the daddy long legs in our tent. i wasn't afraid of them one bit. until one day a few months ago, i actually was bitten by a spider. i had come to think spiders were pretty gross and whatever, but i could never understand why some people couldn't handle them at all.

it started out as what i thought was a mosquito bite. it was a little itchy, but not a big deal. then it started swelling up. i didn't think too much of it... sometimes mosquito bites can swell up. but then it hurt and was hard and hot to the touch and insanely red even though i wouldn't scratch it. i thought i randomly had an allergic reaction, but no. it was a spider bite. it lasted for a week and my forearm was swollen to twice its size.

yeah, that is why i'm deathly afraid of spiders. i would rather not get bitten by one again, thanks.

i've been thinking a lot about my impromptu trip to visit my best friend at the camp where he's a counselor and how stupid and naive it makes me feel. i took care of him when he was sick. i said i would ditch out on my other friends for him. i gave him my shoulder to cry on. i took him to the emergency room. i let him sleep on my couch. i told him he was the most important thing to me. i told him i loved him.

what has he done for me? 3 1/2 years ago, he found a ride to the hospital, 2 hours away and came to my side. he let me cry on his shoulder. he said it wasn't fair. he said i didn't deserve it.

and maybe that's when i fell in love with him. but he didn't love me the same way.

it's always been me giving 100%. i don't know if he even gave a damn sometimes.

maybe now we're even. maybe i don't owe him anymore.

but over the years, we fought like hell and every time i tried to say goodbye, he clung to me. he used the time he came to the hospital against me, always saying ,"did that mean nothing to you? did it mean anything?"

how dare he.

of course it meant something to me. my mother died and my brother was in the hospital with a broken femur. my whole life had shattered and he was there for me. of course it fucking mattered.

and every time we had a fight it was always... always my fault. i was always being irrational and stupid, getting angry for no reason. but the only time we fought was when it was so stupidly apparent that i was giving my all and he was ditching out or doing something stupid and selfish that he didnt have time for me.

i'm just now realizing that i've been so, so stupid.

he's so selfish. and it makes me so fucking angry that i have let him treat me the way he has. he's taken me for granted. i have always given all that i could to the friendship we had, and when i went to his camp, almost a 3 hour drive, and he said i should leave, i realized once and for all that he just plain doesn't care enough about me. he was worried more about what other people thought about me coming there than the actual fact that i drove 3 hours to see him on his birthday, to try and let him know how much i cared, knowing how much he missed home and missed his friends.

i've always thought that i just somehow wasn't giving enough... that he would see someday when i did something spectacular, how much i cared for him and how much i did for him, and he'd come around... that he would finally reciprocate.

but it's been 3 1/2 years since that day at the hospital and almost 7 or 8 years since our friendship started. he's not going to come around. he's not going to realize that he means the world to me. he's never going to realize that. and i have to let go.

in the past i always felt selfish because it was always my fault that i just cared too much and it wasn't worth risking our friendship and i should suck it up because he needed me. but it's so apparent that he doesn't need me anymore. i'm nothing more than someone who's always going to be there. i'm someone that he doesn't have to worry about showing that he cares. he just assumes that i care enough for the both of us. that no matter what he does, my love for him is unconditional.

but i can't keep doing this to myself. time after time, i am disappointed and heartbroken because i don't know where i stand. we don't get to talk about his feelings. i'm pretty sure a couple weeks ago when he was crying on my shoulder, confused and lonely and depressed, was the first time he has ever once told me that he loved me. and the next morning when i tried to talk to him again, it was like the night before had never happened. he was fine, back to his old self and when i tried to tell him how much it meant to me that he could open up to me like that, it didn't seem to affect him at all. it made him uncomfortable and uneasy that he was vulnerable to me. that's not how it should be between two best friends. especially when i have given him everything. especially when i have told him so many things that i haven't told other people.

i just don't have anything left to give to him. i'm drained of everything. i'm afraid if i try to give anymore to him, i'll just break. i won't have anything left of me.

ick. i just needed to get rid of that last post.

i have nothing to write here.

i wanna be done with classes and sleep forever.

the end.

i feel your hand in mine, rough and slightly dry. i look at your eyes, red, swollen, and watery. my heart is breaking for you. i've never seen you like this. the light turns green and i step on the gas, determined to get to my house. i squeeze your hand gently and tell you everything is going to be all right. do i know if it will? no, of course not. but i will do my goddamned best to make sure there's no reason for you to cry anymore. i don't want to, but i have to let go of your hand to turn at the the stoplight. we're almost home, i say. i turn again, down my street this time, into my driveway. out the door, up the steps to the door of my house. i open the door and we go inside, and i push away my dog. i lead you up to the couch and i sit down. immediately, you sit close to me, arms around me, your head resting on my chest. i'm surprised, almost taken aback. but i let you cry into me. i cry with you. i want it to go away. i don't want you to be in pain anymore. it hurts me so much to see you in so much pain. it's not something i'm accustomed to. it's not something i want to be accustomed to. all i'm thinking is, what can i do to make it better. you start to settle down a bit. my arm around you. we're just talking now. i'm trying to comfort you, but i'm just babbling, i know it. i want to stop talking. you apologize, and i'm confused. then, you burst into tears again, claiming you ruined my birthday. what a silly thought. i grab you and hug you, saying you could never have ruined my birthday. not even close. not plausible. not possible. the most ridiculous thing you've ever said. my arms are around your neck, i let go, my hands brush your neck, your ears, your cheek. as i'm telling you you're the best friend ever, i flush. somehow, in the back of my mind, the thought of kissing you appears. but quickly i push it away. this isn't my time. it's your time. we sit in silence again, holding hands, the pad of my thumb caressing the back of your hand in small circles.

"i love you."

i almost choke. i have to hold back tears and hearing those words. i quietly say i love you too.

and suddenly, i'm broken inside. something that was holding back something just broke and now i can't stop thinking about you. it's been four days and i can't stop thinking of you. every moment i have time to think, my mind goes back to you. it replays, "i love you," over and over again. it tries to think about what may have happened, had i done something different... but i know it never could've happened. i never would've done it. but now my heart is aching to hear you say those words, but it was like a fucking comet. it probably won't happen again for a long, long time.

there is a boy and i love him far too much for my own good.
anyone that tries to have my heart will have to take it from him
i gave it to him a long, long time ago
whether he knows it or not, likes it or not
i'm his.

I have been recently doing more and more research about piercings. It's becoming almost obsessive, the amount of time I've been putting into this research. However, it's pretty valid, considering I am currently thinking of getting a facial piercing.

It really is annoying how much negativity there is associated with body piercings. I just finished reading a small article or editorial, really, from a person who perceived people with body piercings as ugly, offensive, and dirty. In actuality, a person with a body piercing has to be pretty damn clean and careful in order to avoid infection and to be able to maintain and keep the piercing looking nice and attractive.

Also, the association with drug use and piercings really pisses me off. I know that many people who have piercings or tattoos are "straight edge," who don't drink, smoke, do any type of drugs, and don't participate in premarital sex. I'm not going to say that it is a majority because I really have no idea, but I know there are people out there like that.

The stigma that goes along with body modification or art is almost sickening. I can understand someone may not understand why a person would go through the pain to obtain tattoos or piercings, but to simply call it ugly or offensive is unacceptable. It may be a personal style choice, a lifestyle choice, cultural, or religious reasons that someone may have a piercing or tattoo. One of my friends has her nose pierced, which is common in India or Pakistan, which is where she is from.

Personally I want to get my lip pierced and have several ideas for a tattoo or tattoos.

I know the risks, physical, mental, and societal, that go along with the choices I'm going to make. I'm willing to get a tattoo in a discrete place - it's more of a personal thing for me, rather than showing the world what I'm all about. A tattoo is permanent. I know this. But the things I'm willing to permanently put on my skin, I'm willing to have there for the rest of my life.

One of my tattoo ideas is my initials: JLM. They're important to me because they symbolize a connection between my mom and I. We share the same initials. I plan on my child having three names that would connect us in the same way.

The second idea: The phrase, "Love thy neighbor," three times in Arabic, Latin, and Hebrew, to show a connection between the languages of the three main monotheistic religions. Equality and tolerance have always been a big deal to me, and religion is something that both fascinates me and is important to me, perhaps not in a personal, spiritual way, but in a way that I know it has shaped the person I have become, positively or negatively.

The third idea: The Human Rights Campaign's symbol of an equal sign. It is a blue square with a yellow equal sign inside it. As I said before, tolerance and equality are extremely important to me. I have never been able to understand why gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered people are "wrong" or "sinners." Not only would this equal sign represent that I am an ally, but my general passion for equal rights.

...

this is the part where i got distracted and stopped writing and didn't feel like ranting anymore... so yeah.

the only reason i am sad about father's day is because i can't celebrate mother's day.

hello!

i haven't done too much on the web with v/blogging lately. i've been busy with school and now work and then back to school. hopefully i'll make a video in the next few days and i'll be blogging right... about... now.

I got my paycheck yesterday and it was a very nice paycheck for only a week's worth of work. When my next paycheck comes for this week, I'm going to have a nice little bundle of money- which of course brings about the question: what will I buy?

Option 1.
A Nintendo Wii. I have wanted a Wii since they came out. They're fun and cool and cheaper than a lot of game consoles. They have classic Nintendo games and figures that everyone loves and grew up with. I'd be able to play Rock Band or Guitar Hero and Mario Kart, just a couple of my favorite games. However, it's a lot of money that might just be for something to distract me from school and turn me into a lazy, video game playing Asian nerd.

Option 2.
A Camcorder. I've always wanted a camcorder. They look awesome and I'm always wishing I had something to take video with that took better quality videos and was totally portable. Plus, it would be handy for making videos for youtube when I didn't want to be in my room with my laptop. However, camcorders can be really expensive, especially for higher quality ones. And do I really want to spend that much money when I can just get a digital camera? Which brings me to...

Option 3.
A new digital camera. The one I currently have is out of date and not to mention... broken. It's an Olympus Stylus 760 and I didn't even really like it when it worked. It took grainy night photos and that's an instant -50 points for me since everything exciting that happens... mostly happens at night. I need a better camera that takes much better photos. I'm thinking a new camera with 10 or 12 MP with great quality pictures. But... I've been living without a camera for 6 months now and I fail to bring my camera with because I'm always afraid I'm going to break such an expensive thing. Would it even be worth it to buy one now?

Option 4.
A Nintendo DS. Another time wasting expenditure. But it looks soooo cute and fun! And it's a cheaper alternative to the Wii... sort of. I can't really play with other people.

Option 5.
A new iPod. I desperately need a new iPod. I love the one I have, but it freezes up and doesn't play music far more often than I like. But... my friend is getting a MacBook Pro in the fall and apparently you get a free iPod touch with it. He said he wouldn't use it, so I suggested he give it to me. It's still being discussed...

Option 6.
Clothes. Let's face it... I need a new wardrobe. New jeans, new shirts, new purses, new shoes. I need it all. I've been wearing the same clothes for the past 2 to 6 years. It's time for a change. And it's way more fun to go on a huge spree and buy a bunch of little things rather than buy one big thing, right? But... I bet I could get my dad to buy me clothes since... you know... they're a bit more necessary than electronics.

Option 7.
A tattoo or piercing. Let's face it... I have wanted a cool tattoo or piercing since I was a little sophomore in high school. Probably even before that. But sophomore year was when I really started thinking about it. I have in mind what I would get for a tattoo, but not where. I have ideas for piercings too, but I have a couple options and I'm scared of what they would look like. And of course, I'm scared of permanancy and backlash when I try to get a job or how people will judge when I'm out in the world. I know I shouldn't be concerned with some of those things, but they really are going to affect me later in life, like it or not. If I get my grades up and go to law school, are law firms going to hire the nice girl in a suit or the girl with tattoos/piercings? (even if I do look damn good in a suit anway) I'm scared of what my friends will say and most importantly, what my dad will say. I've asked my best friend what he thought of me getting a tattoo and he told me not to. I'm so conflicted. I want a tattoo so, so bad, but what happens if I freak out and don't like it once it's on there forever? Tattoo removal is hella expensive and painful. Piercings... not as bad. And piercings are cheaper. But what if I decide to get my lip pierced and love it, but then have to take it out and it grows shut or chip a tooth! I can't help but worry about my teeth. They're expensive! (4 years of braces...)

Option .
Save it. This is the least fancy or exciting option. But it's probably the smartest. I'm so indecisive about all of these options, why shouldn't I save it? The money I have will be just around $700 which, trust me, is probably more than I've ever had in my bank account at one time. A little sad? Yes. I can't help it. I just like to shop too much.

I don't know... what should I get? I'm pretty keen on getting a new digital camera. That sounds awesome. I also am thinking a piercing would be sooo awesome. I don't know. I guess we'll have to see what happens. But I should get ready for work! Hopefully I'll be blogging more often if I can't bring myself to get in front of a camera soon. =P

So, my dad might come to 789. He hinted that he wanted to come and I kind of blurted out, "Well, do you want to?"

Then he said that if he went, we would have to go to Letterman. I suggested the Daily Show. Then he suggested the Colbert Report. I've decided that if my dad can get me to meet Jon Stewart or Steven Colbert, he's coming with. I've also determined that there's going to be a broadway show happening. I don't know which one or even what's playing right now, but it'll happen.

One of my life goals is to be in a tv show audience. It may happen this summer. I made a list of things I wanted to do in my life a year ago, after visiting my friend Jenna in Chicago and on the way to the bus station, we had a long talk about what we wanted to do with our lives.

I digress.

Yes, you all might get to meet my father this summer. But chances are, if he goes with, then I don't have to pay for a lot of things in NY.

Which is a plus. Since I still have yet to find a job. =|

i think that sometimes we should forget who we are. just for the night. we can pretend we are other people. who have different friends, who live different lives. if i see you across the room, let's pretend to be lovers for just one night. we can dance and laugh and drink. our hands can clasp and our lips can touch and we can do the things that lovers do. and when the sun rises, when the booze wears off and the lights cast shadows on our memories, we mustn't be embarrassed, or regretful.

it was our choice to play pretend. it was our choice to let ourselves drink a little too much and do things we may not have done if we'd been sober, if it had been another place or time. it was still our choice to do those things.

it was still our choice.

AHHHHHHH!!!! I just got off the phone with my dad and we talked about 789 and what airport I should fly into and what hotel I should stay at!! It's OFFICIAL!!!!! I'm going to 789 and my dad is totally okay with it and is going to help finance it!

CAN YOU TELL I'M EXCITED?!?!?!